[oom] I'm right here beside you

[from_the_outside]

 Sleep is a joke.

It's not just the intel that she stays up sifting through, blue light straining her eyes; it's not just the coffee she drinks, trying to keep her brain sharp and her thoughts on track. 

It's time.

Minutes that slip away, that she can't get back. Hours that tick ponderously past. She lies alone in her bed and can't close her eyes because if she does, if she sleeps, it's another night gone, another night closer to the day Bucky goes back under and –

So she stays up and works. 

It means that when she waits for him in the morning to come find her before they meet with T'Challa and the others, her skin is pale and translucent and she has that sick feeling of an all-nighter, fatigue poisons running rampant through her bloodstream – but she has a list of observations from her analysis, and two mugs of coffee kept warm on the credenza: one pale with milk and sugar, the other black and as strong as her little coffee maker could handle.

Comments

[from_the_outside]

There's that wry press of her mouth that's not quite a smile again. "Probably not for that, anyway," she agrees.

As for the rest... "My guess is he's working an op that's eventually going to require going somewhere he can't. Like you said: I'm good with identities. He sent me undercover plenty of times in the old days, it would make sense if that's what he wants me for again. Old school spy stuff was never Hill's strong suit."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Just because that's what he wants doesn't mean that's what he gets," Bucky tells her.

[from_the_outside]

"You're right," she says, simply. "But he's pretty good at getting what he wants. Especially when he knows which buttons to push."

And he does.

He might even know about this one, or guess it. If he knows Bucky's here. If he stops to think about why Sharon is. She might know if he manipulates her, but that doesn't mean it won't work.

[nerves_of_ice]

His gaze narrows at that, and he comes to join her at the table. Bucky sets aside his coffee and reaches for one of her hands instead.

"So let's figure out what buttons he might try to push so we can find a way around them."

[from_the_outside]

Part of her wants to argue, to say it's fine, but he says we and it's been a long time since she approached a problem like Fury with a partner, so she threads their fingers loosely together and gives him a tired half-smile.

"He's good with emotion," she says. "Not just the positive ones, although he certainly knows the value of making people feel like they're making a difference, being the hero. He's not above mining guilt and shame and fear, or taking a tragedy and changing the story to fit whatever narrative he needs."

And she's got plenty of guilt and shame and fear to mine. "And he knows me, knows my background, knows my psychological profile. Hell, he's already started pushing buttons. You heard him: I'm useful, someone he can trust."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Yeah, I heard him," Bucky tells her, his grip tightening a little as his voice flattens. "He didn't just call you useful. He called you a useful asset."

He makes himself draw a slow breath before he continues, forcing himself to stay calm, to keep anger locked down deep inside, buried in ice.

"But you're a free agent, Sharon. He doesn't get to use you. Not now, not ever. Assistance is one thing. That's different."

[from_the_outside]

"Hey."

She squeezes his hand, watching that look in his eyes flash before he ruthlessly shoves it back down. "Don't let him get under your skin, too."

Her thumb moves soothingly over the back of his hand as she watches him. "That's what he does," she tells him. "He pushes the right buttons, it's my idea. My choice. He knows he can't order me to take an assignment anymore, but if he comes across something he knows I couldn't resist, or finds the right leverage to use on me?"

She shakes her head. "I'm not saying he's going to try to control me like a puppet. But he's right. I am a useful asset to him. And the thing is, he knows I'd help if he asked. If I could. He'd just rather we owe him than the other way around."

[nerves_of_ice]

He's quiet for some time, thinking. Finally, he says,

"It's not going to surprise you to hear me say that choice matters." One corner of his mouth quirks up in a wry expression that's not quite a smile. "So when it comes to trading favors with a guy like Fury, maybe the trick is to be the one making the choice about what to give -- or refuse."

[from_the_outside]

"That, I think we can manage," she tells him. "He's in no position to make ultimatums, and that's not his style anyway. Unless he comes up with something we can't say no to, we've got a degree of flexibility here."

And she can say no to a lot. "And he wouldn't want to risk me getting caught and arrested." Not out of sentimentality, though she believes her cares about her, in whatever compartment he allows himself to care about individuals.

It would take a valuable chess piece off the board. "That's to our advantage, too."

[nerves_of_ice]

"That's good, because I don't find that an acceptable risk, either," he tells her. As he speaks, he turns his hand under hers and holds her fingers lightly in his.

"Now. Tell me why you're so worried about letting him know I'm here."

[from_the_outside]

It's her turn to give him a wry look. "Where should I start?"

She runs the pad of her thumb over the joint of his. Her hand looks delicate, but she knows it isn't. Knows exactly what she can do with it. What she would do, if she had to. "I need you to be safe. And if Fury knows about you, you aren't."

[nerves_of_ice]

He doesn't argue with her, doesn't tell her not to worry about him; he knows perfectly well that'd be as useless as her telling him not to worry about her. Instead, he takes a different angle.

"I'm safer here than I've been anywhere since before the war," he points out, very quietly. "Is Fury likely to risk setting T'Challa up as an enemy just to get at me?"

[from_the_outside]

She shakes her head. "No."

The look she turns on him is troubled, but the depth of feeling behind it is fiercely protective. "That's not Fury's play. He uses emotion," she reminds him. "The positive ones, too."

His hand is warm under hers; her fingers tighten slightly. "T'Challa won't let anyone take you. But if Fury finds out about...this...us. You're a good way to get to me. And I'm a good way to get to you."

And Fury wouldn't hesitate to use it.

[nerves_of_ice]

He absorbs that for a long moment.

"If he tries to use me against you I'm going to have to take back my promise not to shoot him," he observes, before he holds her gaze.

"Sharon, you can't let him. You can't. If he tried that, and it worked... do you know what that would do to me?"

It might not do any good to ask, especially as he knows the lengths to which he himself would be willing to go -- but he has to try.

[from_the_outside]

"The same thing it would do to me if it worked on you, probably," she says, quiet, but she leans forward and brings her other hand to the back of his. "But Bucky, I can't, I can't be the reason someone gets to you. Not again."

Her voice does a weird thing on that word, again, and she shakes her head like she might be able to shake it off. "Like you said, he's smart. And he knows me. It wouldn't be hard for him to put the pieces together once he confirms you're here, too.

"Who knows if it'll even come to any of this, but...he deals in information. And he's very good at finding the things that people can't say 'no' to."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Sharon." He says it softly, very softly, as he draws the tip of one finger across the inside of her wrist, trying to soothe without pulling away. "You won't. It's okay."

"There's one way. Whatever he asks for, if it's not acceptable, we offer him something else he'll want more." Something darkens about his expression, but his tone stays level. "There're a lot of secrets he doesn't know."

[from_the_outside]

"He'd take it," she says, wry. "God, he'd love knowing he's already in our heads."

This is how good he is. One phone call, and he's letting them do all the work for him.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Yeah, he'd be smug about it. So he doesn't get to know."

He pulls his hand free and reaches up to cradle the side of her face.

"It's okay. And it'll be okay."

[from_the_outside]

She nods, though she's unconvinced, and so, she thinks, is he. But she turns her face to press a kiss into his palm, slides his hand down until it's warm at the crook of her neck.

"Hopefully he won't try to call in any favors until after you wake back up," she says, still wry. "But he certainly has a knack for terrible timing."

[nerves_of_ice]

He slides his thumb lightly up and down along the side of her neck as he tells her, "If he tries, he'll have to wait."

Bucky hesitates for a long moment, then adds, quietly, "The alternate plan won't work now, you realize. You can't go in with anyone who's identifiable as Wakandan."

[from_the_outside]

"I know," she says, just as softly, and reaches to brush her fingertips over his chest.

"T'Challa can still run back-up. If he has to come out of hiding to fight, things will have gone so far south it wouldn't matter if our cover's blown. But I'll need someone else visible to go in with. Or do it alone, which wouldn't be ideal. For a lot of reasons."

[nerves_of_ice]

He visibly struggles with himself for a long moment before he admits, "I want it to be me. And I know it's not a good idea. It paints a different kind of target on your back."

[from_the_outside]

"I'm not worried about that," she says, "I worry about the target on you. If you're seen outside Wakanda...the whole world is looking for you. And these people wouldn't hesitate to turn you in and try to make a deal for themselves out of it."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Like I said," he drawls, apparently untroubled by the extent of the manhunt. He's had time to get used to it. "It paints a different kind of target on your back."

"Some people would think you had me under your control - most, probably. That'd impress some of them, scare others. But some would try to use it against you, threatening to turn me in. And yeah, some would try to cut a deal. No matter what, you end up with too many people looking your way for someone who's trying to stay off the radar and infiltrate a setup like this. Too high profile. Too visible."

He lets that hang in the air between them for a second.

"So I know it's a bad idea. It can't be me. No matter how much I want it to be. But it's got to be someone. Someone good."

[from_the_outside]

"Everyone I know who'd be willing is too high profile."

Steve, Sam, Nat, Clint – the whole world knows their faces.

She leans her head on one hand and toys with her mug with the other. "Everyone I used to work with would be dutybound to turn me in. I've got nothing."