[oom] I'm right here beside you

[from_the_outside]

 Sleep is a joke.

It's not just the intel that she stays up sifting through, blue light straining her eyes; it's not just the coffee she drinks, trying to keep her brain sharp and her thoughts on track. 

It's time.

Minutes that slip away, that she can't get back. Hours that tick ponderously past. She lies alone in her bed and can't close her eyes because if she does, if she sleeps, it's another night gone, another night closer to the day Bucky goes back under and –

So she stays up and works. 

It means that when she waits for him in the morning to come find her before they meet with T'Challa and the others, her skin is pale and translucent and she has that sick feeling of an all-nighter, fatigue poisons running rampant through her bloodstream – but she has a list of observations from her analysis, and two mugs of coffee kept warm on the credenza: one pale with milk and sugar, the other black and as strong as her little coffee maker could handle.

Comments

[from_the_outside]

"I promise."

Her voice is a whisper as her hands go to his head. "I promise."

[nerves_of_ice]

A shudder runs through him, and he pulls her close again.

[from_the_outside]

She shifts as close as she can that isn't right into his lap and holds him tight, pressing her cheek and face against his hair, spreading her fingers wide and protective over the back of his head, feeling as though she might drown in this relief.

[nerves_of_ice]

Shivers pass through his body intermittently. He waits them out before he speaks again.

"Well. This changes a few things."

[from_the_outside]

She huffs a breath.

"Is it changing that 'I'm supposed to go under' to 'I will go under'?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Caught that, did you?" He doesn't sound surprised.

"Maybe. Probably. If it works out."

[from_the_outside]

"You should know by now," she says, lightly, pulling back enough to look at him, "I pay pretty close attention to you."

Her mouth quirks a little ruefully. "I know. And we'll do everything we can to make sure it works out."

Dry: "And not only because T'Challa will be all over me if you decide to wait."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I mean, I do, but you still manage to surprise me."

Bucky shakes his head. "I'll explain to T'Challa if it comes to it. Don't worry."

[from_the_outside]

"That is very sweetly optimistic of you," she says, still dry, though her mouth is beginning to twitch.

"But hopefully nobody will have to explain because it will all go according to plan, you'll go under and get better, the op will go smoothly, and I won't have to spend the next month getting T'Challa to like me again."

[nerves_of_ice]

"He'll understand, if it comes to it," he says, and leaves it at that.

"But we'll see. The call with Fury tomorrow should be interesting."

[from_the_outside]

Sharon's expression says what she thinks of Bucky's statement, but she doesn't argue it.

"Yeah," she says. "About that. What alternatives were you and T'Challa discussing, exactly?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He shifts his arm, coaxing her to settle beside him - or trying - and sighs. "I'm not one of them, in case that's what you were thinking," he says.

[from_the_outside]

"I hope not," she says, but she allows him to direct her down next to him, and shifts her weight to sit on her hip. "Pretty sure you would recognize the argument that would lead to and try to avoid it. But if T'Challa's going to try to offer up something to keep me off the hook, I'd like to know about it."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Well, in my current state, he might not see me as high-value enough for anything but turning me over to the authorities," he says, dryly. "No point in that."

Bucky continues, quickly, "T'Challa's thinking to offer some intel from the War Dogs' network, or if Fury's looking for more physical assistance, some of the Dora to help out with a situation or two."

[from_the_outside]

She looks a little skeptical, but nods. "Intel might work," she says. "Make it a direct trade: intel for intel. He's not sending us any personnel. He might settle for something else he can use."

The Dora...she shakes her head. The Dora aren't spies, they're not operatives; they're warriors. Fury wouldn't be able to use them for anything but a straight fight, and that's not Fury's style.

But she keeps her thoughts to herself and only says again, after a moment: "It might work."

[nerves_of_ice]

One corner of his mouth quirks up, a little wryly.

"The intel might, anyway," is all he says.

[from_the_outside]

"Not that I wouldn't pay good money to see Nick Fury faced with a couple Dora," she says, dry, "but that's gonna be a hard sell."

[nerves_of_ice]

His smile flashes. "I would too, honestly."

Bucky shakes his head. "But no. It's a different method from how he operates, I think. You'd know better than I would."

[from_the_outside]

"Fury works from the shadows," she says. "The only soldier he ever worked with directly was Steve, and Steve was a special case, but Fury used him for special forces missions, precision strikes. The Dora use spears, they fight with honor, they aren't spies."

She leans forward to find her cup of wine, but finds she's not interested in sipping at it; just turns it around and around on the blanket. "Whatever he needs Agent 13 for, it's not something you can throw a couple Dora at."

[nerves_of_ice]

He sets his hand gently on her arm. "It still doesn't mean he gets you."

[from_the_outside]

She gives him a flicker of a smile and nods, then lifts her cup to take a deep swallow of the wine. It's full night now, and when the cup is empty she puts it down and tips her head back to look up at the stars as the battery-powered candles glow around them on the blanket.

[nerves_of_ice]

She doesn't believe him. She thinks it's inevitable, he realizes; that there's no way around it, and she's preparing herself to deal with it. With Fury.

He doesn't argue with her. She's done so much to try to make this a nice night. He's not going to let Fury's ghost spoil it.

(Nor is he going to stand by and just let it happen if it comes down to it, but they'll see how tomorrow goes.)

Instead, he stays quiet for a bit, watching her watch the sky above them. Eventually, he murmurs, "Are you warm enough?"

[from_the_outside]

"Mm."

She rolls her head to look over at him. "It's a little cool."

Not bad. But enough that she might get the other throw, eventually. "We could go inside, but it's a beautiful night."

Like almost every night has been, here. But she doesn't think she'll ever get used to it.

[nerves_of_ice]

"It is," he says, but he's looking at her, not the world around them. "Beautiful, I mean."

Bucky smiles, and starts to get to his feet. "Let me go get the other blanket."

[from_the_outside]

She follows him up with her eyes, tipping her head back to smile at him. "Okay."

But she doesn't just sit there while he's up; she shifts and begins collecting and re-capping the containers of food, tucking them back away into the pack before refilling his cup and hers with the wine.