[ WWII AU ] a ghost story

[from_the_outside]

It's been almost two years since she's been home, and little by little, the grief has gotten easier to live with.

It hasn't gone away. But she's able to focus on her job, watch movies, chat with friends, sleep most nights. She still dreams about him, but the dreams are tinged with wistful longing and only sometimes does she wake up with tears on her cheeks. She can't have his picture out in this apartment, Kate's apartment, but it's safe in the mountain house, along with his last letter to her, and she has a scan on her phone to look at when the long day is over and she's in bed, the stars from the lamp he'd given her filling her dark room.

Steve has helped, more than she could ever explain, and she hopes she's helped him in return. Aside from a few deeply classified missions here and there, they haven't worked together all that much, but she still sees him almost every day. In the halls, she's undercover as his mild-mannered neighbor, Kate, but in her secure apartment they can talk over anything, everything.

And it works. Every day is a little easier. They lean on each other when they need to, and they spend hours remembering and reminiscing about Bucky, talking shop, chatting about how Steve's fitting into the future. It's nice. She still misses Bucky, an ache that never really goes away, but they can both breathe through it, work through it, live through it.

She's on her way up from the basement laundry machines when she hears a familiar step in the hall, and has to smile to herself – first her own, then Kate's sweeter, more open one. "Hey, neighbor."

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

He looks up at her, meeting her eyes with a bleak but determined gaze.

"I don't doubt that. Or you. Ever."

[from_the_outside]

"Good." She smiles over at him, small but warm.

"We promised we'd keep an eye out for each other, when I got back. For you. And we have."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I thought the two of you were together. Before I ... before Steve woke me up." He says it as a matter of fact, as though it were the only thing that made sense.

"I'd have been happy for you. If you were. Just so you know."

[from_the_outside]

It's not exactly a huge surprise, and she doesn't think it would be to Steve, either. And... she'd be a liar if she said she'd never thought about it. Even Nat had thought there was something there, and she's got almost as good an eye as Clint.

Sharon shakes her head, her ponytail flipping against the back of her neck. "I know you would have," she murmurs. "But we weren't. We aren't. I do love him, Bucky, but it's never been like that with us. He's been my best friend for these last two years, ever since I got back. We needed each other."

[nerves_of_ice]

"He's a good one." He finishes the last swallow of coffee in his mug and sets it on the counter, uncertain what else to do with it. "I'm glad you had each other. That you weren't alone. Either of you."

[from_the_outside]

"He's the best," she agrees. "But he wasn't you."

And maybe Bucky isn't that man anymore, either, but none of them have any idea what might happen with him now that he isn't regularly getting his brain scrambled or being forced into cryostasis. She doesn't know if they can ever be what they were to each other again, but those feelings never died, they were just lying dormant without him.

[nerves_of_ice]

He absorbs that in silence for a few seconds. Finally, very low - so low as to be barely audible, he says:

"I don't know what to do."

[from_the_outside]

She shakes her head again, breathing out long and rushed.

"Neither do I."

[nerves_of_ice]

Maybe no one would know. Who could? There's no manual for this, no mission objective, no set of orders to follow.

Bucky makes himself draw a deep breath and lets it out slowly, then takes the next mental step toward a new, uncertain future.

"You said you wanted to go for a walk?"

[from_the_outside]

"Yeah."

She gets up with her coffee, goes to rummage in a drawer for some paper and a pencil. "We can leave Steve a note."

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods. "Do you need to eat something first?"

[from_the_outside]

"When we get back." She's fallen out of regular mealtimes since coming back to her own time, but the coffee will be enough for now. "Do you need some breakfast?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head. "When we get back," he echoes, and cranes his neck a little to watch her write.

[from_the_outside]

She shifts so he can see clearly — Steve, went for a walk with B. Back by 9, waffles in the freezer — then sets the note by the coffee pot and puts her mug in the sink.

"Let me just get my sneakers on and we can get going."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Okay." As she moves away from sink he steps in, bringing his own mug with him. Bucky reaches for dish soap and cloth and starts to wash up their mugs while she's finding her shoes.

[from_the_outside]

"Thanks," she calls over her shoulder, as she tugs on socks and shoes and slips her phone into her pocket. She waits for him to finish, then smiles.

"Ready?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Ready." He makes note of the time as he moves to her side. They'd better not be back late, or Steve'll worry. He thinks. Probably.

After a moment, he thinks to ask, "Where are we going?"

[from_the_outside]

"Around the property," she tells him, leading him out the door and into the cool bright morning. The air smells so fresh, here.

"There are these old caves I used to prowl around when I was a kid... I used to pretend there was treasure hidden there."

[nerves_of_ice]

He frowns hard at that, fighting to tease out a muzzy recollection from the glass-sharp shards of his memory.

"You told me about that once. Didn't you? Your... your father was involved somehow? Maybe?"

[from_the_outside]

She looks over at him, tucking back the strands of her hair that tug loose from her ponytail in the breeze. "Yeah. I wasn't sure if you'd remember. Pirate maps and treasure."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I might not have, without you mentioning it. It's all--" He gestures at his temple with his right hand.

"-- mixed up in there. Hard to untangle. But there are... threads, I guess. Trails to follow. I don't know if that makes any sense."

[from_the_outside]

"It does, I think."

Even with everything, it's beyond sweet to be able to walk with him into the woods around the house. "Considering everything. But that's good, Bucky. We can work with threads."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I'm sorry I can't tell you. How to fix it. How to fix me." He glances over at her. "I would if I could. If I knew how."

[from_the_outside]

"I know, baby."

It comes slipping off her tongue just like it did last night, easy and thoughtless. "We'll figure it out. Steve and I are gonna help you, however we can."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I know." He says it very softly, almost inaudible. About that he has no doubt; if he stays, if he lets them, they'll break themselves trying to repair him.

Bucky keeps easy pace beside her and lets the whirlwind of confusion and more in his mind just wash through him.