[ WWII AU ] a ghost story

[from_the_outside]

It's been almost two years since she's been home, and little by little, the grief has gotten easier to live with.

It hasn't gone away. But she's able to focus on her job, watch movies, chat with friends, sleep most nights. She still dreams about him, but the dreams are tinged with wistful longing and only sometimes does she wake up with tears on her cheeks. She can't have his picture out in this apartment, Kate's apartment, but it's safe in the mountain house, along with his last letter to her, and she has a scan on her phone to look at when the long day is over and she's in bed, the stars from the lamp he'd given her filling her dark room.

Steve has helped, more than she could ever explain, and she hopes she's helped him in return. Aside from a few deeply classified missions here and there, they haven't worked together all that much, but she still sees him almost every day. In the halls, she's undercover as his mild-mannered neighbor, Kate, but in her secure apartment they can talk over anything, everything.

And it works. Every day is a little easier. They lean on each other when they need to, and they spend hours remembering and reminiscing about Bucky, talking shop, chatting about how Steve's fitting into the future. It's nice. She still misses Bucky, an ache that never really goes away, but they can both breathe through it, work through it, live through it.

She's on her way up from the basement laundry machines when she hears a familiar step in the hall, and has to smile to herself – first her own, then Kate's sweeter, more open one. "Hey, neighbor."

Comments

[from_the_outside]

Things really are different; how different, she's not sure she'll know for a long while yet, but it's clear they are, just from the simple fact that they're in each other's arms but not tangled up in each other so close it's impossible to tell where one ends and the other begins.

Her throat works as she looks up at him. "I want to kiss you again," she murmurs. "Is that okay?"

For her to want it? For her to do it? Even she's not sure exactly what she's asking.

[nerves_of_ice]

Is he supposed to say no? He's not sure. Bucky nods anyway, affirming, and bends his head a little to encourage her.

[from_the_outside]

She leans up, lashes lowering as her glance falls to his mouth, but pauses a breath away, ruthlessly pulling herself back, desperate to keep from hurting him. "Would you be able to tell me 'no'?"

Weapons don't want things. They'd done their best to shock want and need out of him, and she has no idea if he even can want her anymore, the way he used to.

[nerves_of_ice]

"I don't know," he admits, barely audible. "But I--"

He swallows, trying to find the right words, to not fuck this up, to not cause her any more pain.

"--I know what it feels like to not want something. And that isn't - I'm not - you're not pushing me into anything," he settles on. "I can't-- I can't say, I can't ask, not without, like you saw, but -- "

[from_the_outside]

"Good enough," she murmurs, and pushes up the rest of the way, pressing her lips sweetly to his. Her whole body aches with it, with pure longing, though she tries to keep herself from pushing too hard.

[nerves_of_ice]

His right hand tightens a little on hers as she kisses him, and as he kisses her back his left arm wraps carefully around her waist, drawing her closer against him.

[from_the_outside]

She makes a small sound, sore and wanting, and lets go of his hand to wind her arms around his neck and press herself fully against him, chest to chest and belly to belly, her heart beating wildly like a bird trapped against her ribs.

[nerves_of_ice]

He kisses her again, slow and sweet, and wraps his right arm around her as well, holding her close.

After a moment and another kiss, he carefully runs his right hand up her back and threads his fingers into her hair, cradling the back of her neck.

[from_the_outside]

A shiver runs through her at the feeling of his fingers in her hair, running up her back, and she slips her own up the back of his neck into the long, silky threads of his hair, gripping lightly the way he used to love.

[nerves_of_ice]

He gasps against her mouth at the sensation that rips through him, and his next kiss is far less controlled than before.

[from_the_outside]

Maybe not everything's gone. He reacts just like he ever did, slipping the leash just a little on his self-control, and she presses her attack, deepening the kiss and tightening her fingers in his hair. There aren't any chaperones here; there's no worry anyone will interrupt them. She kisses him like it's her last chance; maybe it is.

[nerves_of_ice]

A low groan sounds deep in his chest as she tangles herself with him and he begins to drown in her, and as he does he pulls her to him, needing to feel her, wanting more of her as desire surges --

--and as it does a flash of pain follows, arcing up his spine in punishment and he jerks back, slamming himself hard against the tree he'd been leaning against before.

[from_the_outside]

"Bucky!" One second, she's lost in a wild surge of passion and desire, and the next he's ripping himself from her like someone jerked him away, and Sharon lets go like he's a burning coal, horrified, reaching for him before she snatches her hands back, afraid to hurt him any further.

One hand covers her mouth, the other fists in the air, trying to keep from touching him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's not your fault. It's not." He reaches up to take her hand between his, trying to uncurl her fingers. His breathing is ragged.

"You didn't do anything wrong. It was me. It was - I did - it was me. Not your fault."

[from_the_outside]

"I started it." She lets him uncurl her fingers, her own gentle, just barely letting her fingertips brush his palm.

"I don't want to hurt you, Bucky. I don't want... I don't want touching me to hurt you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's not your fault," he insists. That much, he's clear on. It's not her behavior or her wants that caused the backlash. It was what he wanted, for himself, enough to act on.

"I think... I think it's going to take time. For me to - to figure how to work around it. There were, were things I did before, to, to stretch the limits. I just ... I'll have to find new things. New ways. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Sharon."

[from_the_outside]

She curls her fingers around his, light, her pulse still hammering in her ears, in her chest. "How can I help?"

If wanting her will only cause him pain... can she help?

[nerves_of_ice]

"Be patient with me." It's a mere whisper, half prayer and half plea.

Bucky swallows hard against the tightness in his throat and tries to explain what he's slowly beginning to work out from tangled memories and new experience both. "It's - from what I can tell. Could tell, before, too. They didn't - didn't care what I thought. They knew - they knew they'd erase that between missions anyway. Or what I felt. That didn't matter to them either. Only-- only what I did."

[from_the_outside]

"As long as you need." She promises it, vows it. "Whatever you need, Bucky."

As for what she needs... going after HYDRA will be a good start. The ones she comes across might not be the ones who did this to him, but that's a distinction she doesn't care too much about making.

[nerves_of_ice]

Very gently, he squeezes her hand, then bows his head and presses an equally gentle kiss to her fingers before letting go - albeit reluctantly.

[from_the_outside]

She lets her hand come back to her side and steps back, though her eyes never leave him.

"It's okay, Bucky," she murmurs. "One day, we'll figure out how to get around it, or how to break it. And I'll be right here."

[nerves_of_ice]

Distress flickers in his glance at the way she removes herself from his proximity, although he swiftly controls his reaction.

"It's not your fault," he says again. "It's not anything you did that caused it. You can -- you can act. It's only when I - I tried to."

[from_the_outside]

The look in his eyes stabs into her just like any knife, and she steps closer again, reflexive, wanting to soothe. "It's not fair," she murmurs. "I don't want it to hurt you if you want me."

[nerves_of_ice]

“They didn’t care about fair. Only compliance.”

He reaches slowly to brush a lock of hair back from her shoulder.

[from_the_outside]

"I know."

She takes a breath as he brushes her hair back over her shoulder and gives him a wry smile. "I guess I'll have to do the wanting for both of us until we figure out a way around it."