[ WWII AU ] a ghost story

[from_the_outside]

It's been almost two years since she's been home, and little by little, the grief has gotten easier to live with.

It hasn't gone away. But she's able to focus on her job, watch movies, chat with friends, sleep most nights. She still dreams about him, but the dreams are tinged with wistful longing and only sometimes does she wake up with tears on her cheeks. She can't have his picture out in this apartment, Kate's apartment, but it's safe in the mountain house, along with his last letter to her, and she has a scan on her phone to look at when the long day is over and she's in bed, the stars from the lamp he'd given her filling her dark room.

Steve has helped, more than she could ever explain, and she hopes she's helped him in return. Aside from a few deeply classified missions here and there, they haven't worked together all that much, but she still sees him almost every day. In the halls, she's undercover as his mild-mannered neighbor, Kate, but in her secure apartment they can talk over anything, everything.

And it works. Every day is a little easier. They lean on each other when they need to, and they spend hours remembering and reminiscing about Bucky, talking shop, chatting about how Steve's fitting into the future. It's nice. She still misses Bucky, an ache that never really goes away, but they can both breathe through it, work through it, live through it.

She's on her way up from the basement laundry machines when she hears a familiar step in the hall, and has to smile to herself – first her own, then Kate's sweeter, more open one. "Hey, neighbor."

Comments

[from_the_outside]

"I should have been there." Some key has turned in some lock somewhere, all the grief that's been welling up in her since he took off his mask and she realized who he was bubbling up under her breastbone. "I should have forced my way onto that mission. I could have changed it, I--"

Everything hurts, and it isn't just because she's still bruised and battered from Rumlow, from the buildings coming down. From him. "I just got you back."

[nerves_of_ice]

If asked, he'd never be able to explain why he does it or how he knows that it might be something she'd want, but a deeper, older part of him is certain enough that he's able to act. Bucky shifts, gathering her in an embrace and holding her close.

"It's not your fault. It's not," he swears, low but intense. "It never was. None of what happened was your fault, Sharon."

[from_the_outside]

Her arms come up around him, her fingers fisting in his shirt with as much desperation as if he were trying to walk away from her right now instead of holding her. She presses her face against his shoulder and tries to build the wall back up. "I could have stopped it and I didn't," she whispers. "That makes it my fault. I can't do it again, Bucky, please."

[nerves_of_ice]

He curls the fingers of his right hand over her shoulder, cradling her to him, drawing small circles with his thumb as he tries to think how to soothe her. "It's not your fault," he repeats.

"It's not. I know - I can understand why you think that, but it's not. Not yours, not Steve's. But okay. Okay. We'll figure out another way. I won't go scout it alone."

[from_the_outside]

She breathes out a shuddering sigh, but doesn't let go. The fear that when she opens her eyes he'll be gone again, a dream vanishing into thin air, hasn't stopped gnawing on her since he first stepped out of the woods the day before. "Okay."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Leave this for now?" he suggests, a little hesitantly - they do need to do something about it, but there's no reason a day's going to make any great difference. Not right now, although they should act soon to take the greatest advantage of HYDRA's current confusion.

He doesn't loosen his embrace.

"Sounds like we need to see what'll happen with Tony first, anyway."

[from_the_outside]

"No." She doesn't let him go, but there's no give to her voice, either; it's stubbornly certain. "I can do this. We need to start planning out options."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I know you can." He doesn't move.

[from_the_outside]

She doesn't say anything, just breathes for a moment.

Finally, she speaks again, in a low murmur. "You hugged me first, this time."

[nerves_of_ice]

He makes a low sound of assent and waits to see where she’s going with that.

[from_the_outside]

It's just an observation, and, as far as she's concerned, not one that requires follow up. He hasn't been the one to reach for her so far; he reached for her now. It's interesting.

The problem now, of course, is that she doesn't want to let him go.

[nerves_of_ice]

Apparently nowhere, and after a few seconds’ wait he decides not to pursue it. Bucky runs his right hand up and down her back.

[from_the_outside]

After a moment, she forces her fingers to uncurl, her hands to unclench, and pulls back enough to look up at him. Her eyes are red, but dry.

"Maps and satellite imaging," she says. "And then we decide the approach and any necessary recon. We'll need to determine if they've managed to augment any other humans with the staff since you were there."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Most died,” he says, quietly. “It’s why they decided not to risk me - the asset. I don’t know if any survived, or how many.”

He sets his hands at her waist, leaving her room to step back when she wants.

[from_the_outside]

"Yeah, about that."

She looks back up at him, dark eyes steady and solemn. "You said part of that mission, the one for Howard, was extraction. So what did you bring back? Was it the serum?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He was still before, but now he's frozen, every muscle locked tight as he stares down at her with panic visible in the depths of his glance.

[from_the_outside]

Well, she seems to have an answer to her question. "Hey."

She puts her hands back on his chest, her voice low and calm. "Breathe, Bucky. We'll figure it out. Whatever happened, we'll figure it out."

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head, although he's not sure whether he's denying that they can or the question itself. The very thought drives him to answer after all.

"It was." His voice sounds rough in his own ears. "Five doses."

[from_the_outside]

Five doses. But the world would have noticed another five super soldiers, or even another five Winter Soldiers.

Still, it's real work to keep her voice level and calm. "Did they work?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Not completely.” He can’t look at her, so he looks down and past her shoulder, into empty space.

“It made them strong, but it drove them insane.”

[from_the_outside]

Strong but insane sounds much too much like the Red Skull for her comfort. He's not looking at her, but he's answering her questions, and he hasn't frozen up again, so Sharon doesn't try to force his glance back to meet hers. Her voice is steady as she probes further.

"Are they still a threat?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Not right now.” It’s all he can offer.

He doesn’t - is there anyone left who knows? Who’d dare reactivating them even after what happened, now that he’s escaped?

[from_the_outside]

"Okay," she murmurs. It isn't, not by a long shot, but she can't press much more on this. "Okay, Bucky. Then we have some time to figure out what to do about them."

Maybe not much time, but some. She'll take it.

[nerves_of_ice]

His reply is nearly inaudible in how quiet it is, but every word is clear. "They can't be controlled. Not like me."

[from_the_outside]

She wants to tell him you won't be more much longer, but she has no idea how long it might take to remove the controls from his mind. The only thing she knows for sure is that even bringing it up will only be painful to him. "Then we'll deal with them some other way."