[ WWII AU ] a ghost story

[from_the_outside]

It's been almost two years since she's been home, and little by little, the grief has gotten easier to live with.

It hasn't gone away. But she's able to focus on her job, watch movies, chat with friends, sleep most nights. She still dreams about him, but the dreams are tinged with wistful longing and only sometimes does she wake up with tears on her cheeks. She can't have his picture out in this apartment, Kate's apartment, but it's safe in the mountain house, along with his last letter to her, and she has a scan on her phone to look at when the long day is over and she's in bed, the stars from the lamp he'd given her filling her dark room.

Steve has helped, more than she could ever explain, and she hopes she's helped him in return. Aside from a few deeply classified missions here and there, they haven't worked together all that much, but she still sees him almost every day. In the halls, she's undercover as his mild-mannered neighbor, Kate, but in her secure apartment they can talk over anything, everything.

And it works. Every day is a little easier. They lean on each other when they need to, and they spend hours remembering and reminiscing about Bucky, talking shop, chatting about how Steve's fitting into the future. It's nice. She still misses Bucky, an ache that never really goes away, but they can both breathe through it, work through it, live through it.

She's on her way up from the basement laundry machines when she hears a familiar step in the hall, and has to smile to herself – first her own, then Kate's sweeter, more open one. "Hey, neighbor."

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

"How many?" Steve wants to know.

Bucky shakes his head. "Lots. I-- I know, at least all the ones I've seen, and I, I think I know where to find them. How to find them. But I have to pull it out of my head. I will. I will. I will, I swear, I--"

[from_the_outside]

"Bucky." This time, she goes to him, puts a hand on his arm, waiting for him to look at her. "It's okay. Don't try to force it. We need time to plan and regroup, anyway. And then we'll start looking."

[nerves_of_ice]

He glances down at her, his eyes dark, but he goes quiet and doesn’t protest.

He’s not sure what else to say, anyway. Not yet, although an idea is beginning to form.

[from_the_outside]

She looks back over at Steve, who's finally starting to relax a little again. Neither of them have managed to fully accept what Bucky told them, she thinks; Howard was their friend. It's like they've lost him all over again. "When do you have to check in with the other Avengers?"

Steve shakes his head. "I should do it soon. Especially with Fury going under the radar."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Where are they?" Intel is good. Intel will be useful, and maybe talking about his friends, his new team, will help Steve settle.

[from_the_outside]

"Scattered, for the time being," Steve tells him. "A few in New York, Nat's in DC, the others... I don't know. Well, Thor's back on Asgard."

Thor. Still weird, Sharon thinks.

[nerves_of_ice]

“Would it be better if you went back to New York to check in?”

He’s careful to keep the question mild and unconcerned, and doesn’t let himself examine anything he might be feeling.

[from_the_outside]

"At some point, probably." Steve gives his best friend a steady look. "But not today."

Sharon leans back against the island, crossing her arms over her chest. "You should give them a call, at least," she points out. "I know Tony's been busy, but even he must have noticed all this."

[nerves_of_ice]

He doesn't flinch as much at Tony's name. Now that the secret's out, he's able to hide it better.

Bucky decides not to think about that, and focuses instead on Sharon's point. "She's right. You don't want them to worry about you. We'll be fine."

That might be a lie, but he's not sure.

[from_the_outside]

Steve glances from him to Sharon, who nods. "It'll be fine," she promises. "Just... don't let them trace your location, maybe. For the time being."

[nerves_of_ice]

He gives Sharon an appraising look at that, then turns a slightly dubious one on Steve. "Do you know how to prevent that?"

[from_the_outside]

"Uh — " Steve rubs at the back of his neck. "Well — "

Sharon shakes her head at him and pushes off the island. "I've got a burner you can use," she tells him. "I'll set it up for you. Even Tony will have a tough time pinging your location."

[nerves_of_ice]

He doesn’t laugh any more, isn’t sure when he last did, but for just a moment he wants to. “Good think you’ve got her looking out for you.”

[from_the_outside]

"No kidding." Steve looks over at her, and she smiles back at him, and she thinks they're both thinking the same thing: that she's been looking out for him and he's been looking out for her for a while now.

"Right back at you, Rogers," she murmurs, before her smile turns wry. "I'll go grab that phone."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky goes back to drinking coffee. He takes a moment to consider the coffee maker and decides they might need another pot.

It gives him something to do, at any rate, that isn’t thinking or dealing with anything else.

“Refills?” he asks.

[from_the_outside]

"Sure," Steve says, as Sharon heads off to some other part of the house. It could be almost anywhere — this place is still alarmingly large to him, even after seeing the way Tony lives.

Tony. How's he gonna tell him? How on earth is he going to find a way to make any of this okay? It had been bad enough, waking up and finding Howard was gone, too, but this...

He huffs out a breath without realizing it, then gets up and goes to the cupboard to take out some boxes of cold cereal. "You guys eat anything yet?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He pours Steve’s mug full and claims the one Sharon had left behind to fill it as well before topping off his own. Bucky considers her mug, searches out sugar and cinnamon and milk from where he’d watched her get them earlier, and sets them out for her when she gets back.

As he starts making a fresh pot, he says, “Not yet.” After a second and a glance at Steve’s collection of cereal, he adds, hesitantly, “There are eggs.”

[from_the_outside]

Steve chuckles at that, shaking one of the boxes of cereal.

"This not up to your standards?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“It’s fine,” he hastens to assure. “I just thought if you wanted something…more.”

Given his standards run to functional high-protein rations to maintain optimal operational levels, cereal’s not ideal, but he doesn’t think Steve wants to hear that.

[from_the_outside]

Steve glances at the cereal box, then shrugs and sets it down, searching around for a pan. "May as well. Sharon never eats enough for breakfast, anyway."

[nerves_of_ice]

Did he know that? He’s not sure. It sounds right, but not as though it’s a recollection. Bucky dwells on that for a few moments, trying to figure it out, while he gets out the eggs and sets them beside the stove.

“You two eat breakfast together a lot?” he asks, trying to put the pieces together.

[from_the_outside]

Steve looks up at him, then flushes, the tips of his ears turning pink. "Not like that," he hastens to say. "She stayed with me for a little while right after... right after she got back. And I've been here with her a couple of times. I..."

He trails off, then sighs, turns to face Bucky more fully, his blue eyes grave and sincere. "When she came back, I promised myself I'd watch out for her, take care of her, for you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's good. That you have each other," Bucky tells him, with absolute sincerity. "I wanted that for you, if it went wrong."

Turns out he's able to talk about past wants, past needs, without triggering the programming by trying to override it in the present. He makes a mental note of that as he continues, "So. It's good, Steve. It is."

[from_the_outside]

"It has been," Steve agrees. The friendship he has with Sharon is different than the one he has — had — has with Bucky, but it had gotten them both through some tough times. "For both of us, I think."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Yeah.” He nods, eyes Steve’s handling of the pan, and considers if he should try to take it over himself or not before concluding Steve might be more likely to come up with something more than merely functional.

“I think she thinks so too. Which you probably already know.”