[ WWII AU ] a ghost story

[from_the_outside]

It's been almost two years since she's been home, and little by little, the grief has gotten easier to live with.

It hasn't gone away. But she's able to focus on her job, watch movies, chat with friends, sleep most nights. She still dreams about him, but the dreams are tinged with wistful longing and only sometimes does she wake up with tears on her cheeks. She can't have his picture out in this apartment, Kate's apartment, but it's safe in the mountain house, along with his last letter to her, and she has a scan on her phone to look at when the long day is over and she's in bed, the stars from the lamp he'd given her filling her dark room.

Steve has helped, more than she could ever explain, and she hopes she's helped him in return. Aside from a few deeply classified missions here and there, they haven't worked together all that much, but she still sees him almost every day. In the halls, she's undercover as his mild-mannered neighbor, Kate, but in her secure apartment they can talk over anything, everything.

And it works. Every day is a little easier. They lean on each other when they need to, and they spend hours remembering and reminiscing about Bucky, talking shop, chatting about how Steve's fitting into the future. It's nice. She still misses Bucky, an ache that never really goes away, but they can both breathe through it, work through it, live through it.

She's on her way up from the basement laundry machines when she hears a familiar step in the hall, and has to smile to herself – first her own, then Kate's sweeter, more open one. "Hey, neighbor."

Comments

[from_the_outside]

"When we get back." She's fallen out of regular mealtimes since coming back to her own time, but the coffee will be enough for now. "Do you need some breakfast?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head. "When we get back," he echoes, and cranes his neck a little to watch her write.

[from_the_outside]

She shifts so he can see clearly — Steve, went for a walk with B. Back by 9, waffles in the freezer — then sets the note by the coffee pot and puts her mug in the sink.

"Let me just get my sneakers on and we can get going."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Okay." As she moves away from sink he steps in, bringing his own mug with him. Bucky reaches for dish soap and cloth and starts to wash up their mugs while she's finding her shoes.

[from_the_outside]

"Thanks," she calls over her shoulder, as she tugs on socks and shoes and slips her phone into her pocket. She waits for him to finish, then smiles.

"Ready?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Ready." He makes note of the time as he moves to her side. They'd better not be back late, or Steve'll worry. He thinks. Probably.

After a moment, he thinks to ask, "Where are we going?"

[from_the_outside]

"Around the property," she tells him, leading him out the door and into the cool bright morning. The air smells so fresh, here.

"There are these old caves I used to prowl around when I was a kid... I used to pretend there was treasure hidden there."

[nerves_of_ice]

He frowns hard at that, fighting to tease out a muzzy recollection from the glass-sharp shards of his memory.

"You told me about that once. Didn't you? Your... your father was involved somehow? Maybe?"

[from_the_outside]

She looks over at him, tucking back the strands of her hair that tug loose from her ponytail in the breeze. "Yeah. I wasn't sure if you'd remember. Pirate maps and treasure."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I might not have, without you mentioning it. It's all--" He gestures at his temple with his right hand.

"-- mixed up in there. Hard to untangle. But there are... threads, I guess. Trails to follow. I don't know if that makes any sense."

[from_the_outside]

"It does, I think."

Even with everything, it's beyond sweet to be able to walk with him into the woods around the house. "Considering everything. But that's good, Bucky. We can work with threads."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I'm sorry I can't tell you. How to fix it. How to fix me." He glances over at her. "I would if I could. If I knew how."

[from_the_outside]

"I know, baby."

It comes slipping off her tongue just like it did last night, easy and thoughtless. "We'll figure it out. Steve and I are gonna help you, however we can."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I know." He says it very softly, almost inaudible. About that he has no doubt; if he stays, if he lets them, they'll break themselves trying to repair him.

Bucky keeps easy pace beside her and lets the whirlwind of confusion and more in his mind just wash through him.

[from_the_outside]

They walk for a while, quiet, in the woods, before she looks up at the dappled light through the leaves. "I always liked it here," she murmurs.

"And when you and I would go for walks around the camp, sometimes I could almost imagine we were here instead."

[nerves_of_ice]

"You must have missed it." She's right; it's a nice place. Peaceful. "I'm glad you're here now."

In more than one way, although he probably shouldn't be.

[from_the_outside]

"Yeah, I did. And I would have missed it a lot if I'd never come back."

She looks back over at him, taking in the profile she's missed so much. His hair is so long now, but she can remember the way it used to be, brushed over his forehead in that little wave. "But I was happy anyway, with you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I should have listened to you. When you warned me." He picks his way carefully over the landscape, moving in near silence through long habit.

[from_the_outside]

Sharon shakes her head, frowning at him. "You did listen," she points out. "We talked it all over, Bucky. None of this is your fault."

[nerves_of_ice]

He gives a very small shrug. It's somehow evident that he's not sure she's right about that, although he doesn't say anything.

[from_the_outside]

All she can think of now is that letter he wrote, how she'd cried after reading it, all those promises to try and come back to her. "I know you did everything you could. I know how hard you tried. I read your letter."

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods. "Peggy saved it for you, you said." He scans the area around them for threats, automatically, then glances over at her.

"I apologized. In hers."

[from_the_outside]

"Apologized?"

As if there were anything he needed to apologize for, to them. "What for?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Not coming back," he says. "Breaking your heart. Hurting Steve. I knew you'd both be devastated."

He'd known it the way he'd known the sun would rise in the east. "So I apologized. Asked her to look out for you two. And then she lost you both."

[from_the_outside]

"You didn't do that to her. You didn't do that to any of us." He's determined to hold onto the guilt, and she's just as determined to pry it out of his hands.

"Bucky, we lost you. You didn't leave us."