[AU] these are not the parts and poems of the body only, but of the soul

[from_the_outside]

They've all entered a kind of tense détente after the ill-advised dinner party. Tony throws himself into work, Sharon and Pepper mostly avoid each other, and Steve, Vision, and Nat continue with oversight duties.

And the thing is... Tony's working it out. 

Not a removal, exactly, but he's getting close, he'd told them, to at least blocking the commands. It's not perfect and it's not a permanent solution, but it's a step in the right direction. It's also a step in the direction of Tony needing to test the words on Bucky himself, and so Sharon and Steve are on extra high alert, keeping an eye out for any indication that Bucky's retreating into himself again. Sharon's mostly moved into the room they share in Steve's apartment for that very reason, though she still isn't wholly comfortable with being in Steve's space all the time.

He's away today, working with Sam and Rhodey on a veteran's outreach program, so it's Sharon who walks with Bucky through the halls of the compound towards Tony's rooms. "It's you and Vision with Tony today," she tells him, and glances across the distance they're careful to maintain when not alone behind closed doors.

"How are you feeling about everything?"

Comments

[from_the_outside]

"Not really." She smiles as he comes to open the door and help her out, then shoulders her bag and locks the convertible.

"It's a weekend, so maybe there'll be a farmer's market or something that we can check out."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Maybe," he says, and it's obvious from his expression that he likes that idea. "We should swing by a cash machine first."

[from_the_outside]

"I think I saw one by the bookstore before," she says, and holds out her hand to him with a smile.

"Come on, let's see what we can see."

[nerves_of_ice]

He laces his fingers with hers and keeps easy pace at her side as they make their way to the bookstore, where Sharon's memory proves accurate. Bucky inserts the same slim black card he'd used before, and pulls a couple of hundred in mixed bills from fives through twenties.

[from_the_outside]

Her mouth twitches, slightly, at the sight of the black card.

"James Rushman, huh?" she says, arch. "Any relation to Natalie?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"A long time ago," he confirms. "But the identity's still a good one. My half of it, anyway. I suspect she made some tweaks to hers over time."

[from_the_outside]

"Mm."

His fingers are still laced with hers and she squeezes them, a little. "A long time ago, huh?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Mm-hm." He runs his thumb lightly over the inside of her wrist. "In Paris, for a while. Among other things."

[from_the_outside]

"I remember you said you liked Paris," she murmurs.

His touch is soothing along the inside of her wrist, but she still glances at him and has to ask. "Long enough ago?"

She knows more details now than she had in Greece, but even then she'd known enough to make an educated guess. And she and Nat might have talked it over and made sure they're fine, but she hasn't talked to him about it yet.

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky turns to look at her, utterly startled.

"What?"

[from_the_outside]

She makes a face back at him. "Come on," she says.

"Just wondering if there's anything, you know... lingering."

[nerves_of_ice]

Very quietly, he asks, "Do you really think I could be with you, the way we are, while thinking of someone else?"

[from_the_outside]

"No."

At the tone of his voice, she draws to a halt and tugs at his hand to get him to face her. "But I know feelings can be complicated. Especially old ones."

[nerves_of_ice]

If they're going to talk about this, and it looks like they are, he doesn't want to do it standing beside the road, in public. Bucky glances around and spots a small town park, with a statue in the middle of some grass and bordered by trees with benches under them.

He turns his hand in hers to grasp hold, firmly. "Come on," he says, and leads her after him to the far side of the little park, as far away from the street as he can get.

He takes one end of the bench and waits for her to sit down on the other before he asks, "Where is this coming from?"

[from_the_outside]

She sits down next to him and shifts on the bench so she's facing him. "I don't know," she says, honestly. "I guess it was just a surprise when I heard Nat's cover identity. I'd known it before, I guess I'd just forgotten."

She smiles, very slightly. "And you've got to admit, she's a pretty hard act to follow."

And Sharon Carter, who had spent her whole professional life trying to stay out of her aunt's shadow, isn't all that good at living underneath anyone else's.

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's not like that," he insists. "There's no following. You're different people."

Bucky studies her face. "How much did she tell you? How much do you want to know?"

[from_the_outside]

Sharon holds up her free hand and shakes her head. "I don't need to know anything," she says. "Nat told me enough. I don't want to pry into your past, baby. And it's not like I don't have exes of my own."

She pauses, and makes a face. "Not that any of them were any good. And I'm not in a situation where I see them almost every day."

[nerves_of_ice]

"You're not prying," he insists. "And it's not the same as it was then. We're different people now."

[from_the_outside]

She laces their fingers together and lifts his hand to her lips, pressing a kiss to his knuckles.

"Okay," she says, simple. "Fair enough."

[nerves_of_ice]

He can't tell if she believes him or not, if she trusts him or not, but he desperately needs her to. He doesn't want her to think that he's hiding anything from her.

"A long time ago," he starts, simply, "Natalia Alianovna reminded me what it was to be human. And they punished us both for that, in different ways."

[from_the_outside]

She'd meant for him to know it was okay and that he doesn't need to get into it, but then he does anyway and she's not actually sure a hard act to follow is accurate.

Maybe it's more like impossible than hard. How do you move on from the one who made you feel human again?

She's suddenly sure she doesn't want him to go on, just as sure that if he needs her to hear this, she'll have to listen. "You don't need to," she says, quiet. "Really."

[nerves_of_ice]

He stops, searching her face, confusion and dismay in his own shadowed, suddenly-uncertain glance.

"I w--" he tries, and chokes on the word. Bucky shakes his head, furious at the limitation, and stubbornly tries again. "I need you to believe me, Sharon. I don't -- I don't want," he manages, as cold sweat breaks out on his temples. "For you to have any doubts. About me. About how I feel, about you."

[from_the_outside]

He struggles against the conditioning, stubborn and distraught, and it hurts like she's been shot. "Baby," she says, gripping his hand, coaxing him to look at her. "Bucky, it's okay. Really, I promise."

She lifts her free hand to cup his cheek, holding his gaze with her own steady one. "Listen to me. I believe you. Okay? I trust you. Remember?"

That lazy afternoon in the bed in her borrowed apartment, their quiet voices whispering to each other. "I know you're in this right with me. I know how much you care."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I do. I do care, Sharon. So much. I do. But you asked," he counters, even as he tips his head very slightly into her touch. "'Long enough ago,' you said. As if I'd - as if I could--"

He closes his eyes and is silent for several seconds.

"I'm always going to have history with Natasha," he says, finally. "She's always going to be important to me. I loved her once. If we're being honest, in some ways I still do."

He opens his eyes again and holds her gaze. "But it's not the same now. What we were to each other - it's changed. For both of us."

He draws a shuddering breath. "But I don't know how to make you know that."

[from_the_outside]

The real answer, of course, is that he can't, not really. She can choose to believe him or not, and isn't that the founding choice in every relationship?

Maybe if she were a better, less selfish person, she would set him free to see if there's anything left of those old feelings left to spark. But she's not better. She's selfish. She wants him for herself.

And she thinks if she tried, it would only hurt him terribly anyway. "I believe you," she whispers, and brings his hand to her chest, over her heart. "It's okay, Bucky. I believe you. Just be mine, the way I'm all yours. That's all I want."