[AU] these are not the parts and poems of the body only, but of the soul

[from_the_outside]

They've all entered a kind of tense détente after the ill-advised dinner party. Tony throws himself into work, Sharon and Pepper mostly avoid each other, and Steve, Vision, and Nat continue with oversight duties.

And the thing is... Tony's working it out. 

Not a removal, exactly, but he's getting close, he'd told them, to at least blocking the commands. It's not perfect and it's not a permanent solution, but it's a step in the right direction. It's also a step in the direction of Tony needing to test the words on Bucky himself, and so Sharon and Steve are on extra high alert, keeping an eye out for any indication that Bucky's retreating into himself again. Sharon's mostly moved into the room they share in Steve's apartment for that very reason, though she still isn't wholly comfortable with being in Steve's space all the time.

He's away today, working with Sam and Rhodey on a veteran's outreach program, so it's Sharon who walks with Bucky through the halls of the compound towards Tony's rooms. "It's you and Vision with Tony today," she tells him, and glances across the distance they're careful to maintain when not alone behind closed doors.

"How are you feeling about everything?"

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

He stops, searching her face, confusion and dismay in his own shadowed, suddenly-uncertain glance.

"I w--" he tries, and chokes on the word. Bucky shakes his head, furious at the limitation, and stubbornly tries again. "I need you to believe me, Sharon. I don't -- I don't want," he manages, as cold sweat breaks out on his temples. "For you to have any doubts. About me. About how I feel, about you."

[from_the_outside]

He struggles against the conditioning, stubborn and distraught, and it hurts like she's been shot. "Baby," she says, gripping his hand, coaxing him to look at her. "Bucky, it's okay. Really, I promise."

She lifts her free hand to cup his cheek, holding his gaze with her own steady one. "Listen to me. I believe you. Okay? I trust you. Remember?"

That lazy afternoon in the bed in her borrowed apartment, their quiet voices whispering to each other. "I know you're in this right with me. I know how much you care."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I do. I do care, Sharon. So much. I do. But you asked," he counters, even as he tips his head very slightly into her touch. "'Long enough ago,' you said. As if I'd - as if I could--"

He closes his eyes and is silent for several seconds.

"I'm always going to have history with Natasha," he says, finally. "She's always going to be important to me. I loved her once. If we're being honest, in some ways I still do."

He opens his eyes again and holds her gaze. "But it's not the same now. What we were to each other - it's changed. For both of us."

He draws a shuddering breath. "But I don't know how to make you know that."

[from_the_outside]

The real answer, of course, is that he can't, not really. She can choose to believe him or not, and isn't that the founding choice in every relationship?

Maybe if she were a better, less selfish person, she would set him free to see if there's anything left of those old feelings left to spark. But she's not better. She's selfish. She wants him for herself.

And she thinks if she tried, it would only hurt him terribly anyway. "I believe you," she whispers, and brings his hand to her chest, over her heart. "It's okay, Bucky. I believe you. Just be mine, the way I'm all yours. That's all I want."

[nerves_of_ice]

He presses his hand flat against her, feeling the beat of her pulse beneath his fingers, and leans in to kiss her.

"I am," he murmurs, when it breaks. "Yours, I mean."

[from_the_outside]

She leans her forehead against his. "That's all I want," she murmurs, again.

Maybe it's too much. Maybe it'll all prove to be impossible. But what part of this hasn't been impossible. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry. I trust you, completely."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I'd rather you ask than wonder," he tells her, without hesitation. "I'd rather you be sure."

[from_the_outside]

"I'm sure," she promises.

"I was sure of you before, baby. I just thought we should talk about it."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Okay." He still doesn't know exactly why she thought that, but maybe it doesn't matter. He runs his hand up over her shoulder, drawing his thumb back and forth over her collarbone at the base of her neck.

"Do we need to talk about it more?"

[from_the_outside]

Sharon shakes her head at him with a small smile.

"No," she murmurs. "I'm good. You?"

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky nods.

"Do you want to go see if there's a market?"

He sounds a little wistful.

[from_the_outside]

She smiles at that, then leans in and kisses him once more. "Definitely," she promises and stands up, holding out her hand to him.

"Come on. We've got the whole day ahead of us."

[nerves_of_ice]

He puts his hand in hers as he rises, and squeezes her fingers, smiling.

"The whole day?" he teases. "What will we do with it all?"

[from_the_outside]

"Whatever we feel like," she promises, and grins at him.

"As long as 'whatever we feel like' involves getting some food at some point."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Did you skip breakfast again?" he asks, as they wander out of the park and back along the main street.

[from_the_outside]

"Hey," she says. "Coffee counts."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky gives a deep sigh and rolls his eyes upward.

[from_the_outside]

"There it is," she says, laughing. "That patent-pending 'dealing with Sharon Carter' sigh. Come on, that road is blocked off and I think I see some stalls. Let's find a snack."

There is, in fact, a farmer's market taking up the side street she coaxes him towards: there are stalls of every kind, from fresh cheese and honey to fruits and vegetables to handmade soaps and beautifully made wooden cutting boards. There's even a few street musicians set up throughout, playing songs and smiling as appreciative shoppers leave a dollar or two in their guitar cases.

[nerves_of_ice]

He draws her to a stop at the edge of the market as he looks over the stalls, then makes a beeline for one near the end that sells fresh-baked baguettes, rolls, and loaves of bread. "Hi," Bucky says, smiling cheerfully at the grandmotherly-looking woman who runs the stall. "I have a problem that I'm really hoping you can help me with."

[from_the_outside]

"Oh, dear," says the older woman, smiling back at him as Sharon suppresses a smile of her own. Forget the arm, that smile of his should be registered as a deadly weapon.

"We can't have problems on a day as nice as today. What can I do for you?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"I just found out," he confides, lowering his voice a little and leaning the slightest bit forward as if he's sharing a secret, "that my companion didn't eat breakfast this morning. I'm hoping to coax her with some of that delicious-looking bread of yours. Anything you'd recommend?"

[from_the_outside]

"Oh, yes," says the woman, who looks like she'd like to snatch him up and put him in her pocket for a granddaughter. It's all Sharon can do not to roll her eyes at his ridiculousness. "Do you have a sweet tooth, dear?"

"The usual amount of one," Sharon admits, and the woman beams at her, then selects a few soft, golden, oblong rolls. "Pain au lait chocolat," she says, slipping several into a white paper bag and offering them out. "Wonderful with coffee."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Perfect." Bucky beams a delighted smile at her as he takes the bag and trades her the right amount of cash for it, without haggling - not for this.

"And I bet, out of all the places that are selling coffee here, that you've got a favorite, right?"

[from_the_outside]

"As it happens, I do," the woman says, delighted to be asked. She leans over the counter and points to a stall a few yards away.

"Over there. They're new in town, but they roast their own coffee and it's divine. Get the café au lait if you like your coffee light; their milk is fresh from the dairy a few miles away."

[nerves_of_ice]

He looks where she's pointing, then back to her with a quick grin. "Thanks. I'm new in town too. But if you're here every week, hopefully I'll see you again."