[oom] when you're weary, feeling small

[from_the_outside]

The problem with getting a full night's sleep at Milliways is that the night is still only just tilting toward dawn when she goes out the door and back to her room in the Citadel. Sharon showers and changes, her head full of everything the place had packed into her night, which feels more dreamlike now than the dream she'd woken from afterwards.

It's not, though. And that's a problem she's going to have to face head on.

The stars are just beginning to wink out as she makes her way back down to the hut by the lake. She takes a moment to make sure the goats are still sleeping and comfortable, then goes to the spot at the side of the hut where they so often sit and watch the sunrise, drawing her knees up and looping her arms loosely around them.

She's pretty sure Bucky will be up and out soon. No need to wake him up beforehand.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

"Pretty quiet," he agrees. Something's wrong, he's sure of it. She doesn't seem defensive, or angry, but almost vulnerable. He tamps down hard on his urge to get up and go to her, for now, given the way she's got her arms crossed protectively in front of her.

"You said you had nightmares?"

[from_the_outside]

"Mm."

Would it help to explain the nightmares in question? Sorry I was an ass to your friend, Bucky, but in my defense I had bad dreams is a pretty thin excuse, but at the time it felt real and immediate and absolutely necessary. "I had some pretty wild dreams at the bar, too," she says, putting a pin in it for now.

The kettle begins a low whistle and she turns to pour steaming water slowly into the French press. "Better ones, but still very intense."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Will you tell me about it?" Either. Both. Any.

[from_the_outside]

She doesn't answer right away, focusing instead on carefully stirring the grounds and water to make sure it'll brew right before setting the cap and filter back on and turning around once more. "Sure."

What was it about her talk with Wei Wuxian that left her feeling so sore and shaken? It wasn't just the insinuation that the goats were more important, she thinks, but the rest is all just a confused swirl in her head and chest. And did she really talk with Aunt Peggy's ghost, or was that just her subconscious telling her that despite everything she's still feeling uncertain of her place in his life?

"The nightmare was vague: I knew something terrible had happened, something happened to you, but I couldn't find you anywhere. I couldn't help, I couldn't stop it, I just kept searching and searching in a panic until I woke up."

She still doesn't want to think too hard about it, honestly. She can remember waking up in a cold sweat easily enough. "The other dream was about Aunt Peggy."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Oh, baby," he murmurs. Now he does get up, and crosses over to her, watching for any sign she might want to pull back as he sets a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Come here?"

[from_the_outside]

She goes, because for better or worse she's a satellite caught in his orbit and it was bad enough waking up without him. Her arms go around his middle and she presses to his chest, setting her head against his shoulder as she breathes him in.

"Should have just come down here, even though it was late, instead of sleeping in my room," she murmurs.

[nerves_of_ice]

He rests the prototype arm around her waist, and runs his other hand up and down her back in long, slow strokes. "You're always welcome. No matter what time. You know that, right?"

[from_the_outside]

You know that, right?

She knows she wouldn't have even thought to question it yesterday. Today, she's not so sure. "I'm here a lot," she murmurs. "You might want a night to yourself now and then."

In a normal time, if they were normal people in a normal situation, they wouldn't have gone from... whatever they were to practically living together. It wouldn't be odd at all if she wasn't so entangled in his life and living situation.

[nerves_of_ice]

"You might, too." He keeps up the gentle, soothing pressure. "I know that. Doesn't change what I just said."

[from_the_outside]

"I didn't want to wake you up."

The timer goes off and she's almost grateful for it, extricates herself gently from his arms and goes to slowly, slowly press the plunger down. While she does, she takes a moment to steel herself, then says: "Baby, I'm sorry. I fucked up while I was there and got into an argument with your friend. I feel terrible about it."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky blinks. He hadn't been expecting that.

First things first, he figures, and asks, "Are you okay?"

[from_the_outside]

"It wasn't that bad of an argument," she says, a little wry. "No physical altercations."

She pours the coffee and hands him his mug, then stirs the milk and sugar into hers.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Well, I should hope not," he says, mildly. "Or else you'd be in the cells there and I'd be sitting outside the door most of the time."

His tone has the ring of certainty... and experience. Bucky takes a sip of coffee, watching her over the edge of the mug.

[from_the_outside]

Her eyebrows edge upward. "Sounds like you've spent some time in the Milliways clink," she says. "Do I want to know?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"I have, and I'll tell you about it if you want, but why don't we come back to that."

His tone is as steady as his gaze, but it's very, very gentle. "Sharon. Are you okay?"

[from_the_outside]

She holds her coffee in one hand and scrubs over her face with the other. "I'm upset about it," she admits.

"I didn't realize I'd offended him until it was too late, and then trying to smooth it over just seemed to make things worse." She makes a face at herself, but behind her self-effacement lurks a hint of real frustration and hurt.

"The classic Sharon Carter charm strikes again."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Wait, him?" He sounds as startled as he looks. "Baby, who'd you argue with?"

[from_the_outside]

"Wei Wuxian."

For her part, she sounds as miserable as she looks. "But I wasn't trying to, seriously. I only even met him because I left him a thank you note and – I guess it was some kind of wine – because he got you patched up the other night."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I know you weren't," he murmurs, still trying to fathom what happened. "Did he think you were mad at him, or something?"

[from_the_outside]

"No," she says, then amends: "I don't think so. I was asking him about what happened, and he got really squirrelly about it and kept dodging all my questions."

She looks rueful: he knows. After SHIELD, after the CIA, nothing pings her radar faster than someone who won't give a straight answer. "But it wasn't just dodging, it felt dismissive. Like I wasn't worth taking seriously. And I got pretty frustrated. I didn't understand why he was refusing to talk to me."

[nerves_of_ice]

He manages, somehow, not to wince. Seems like training and instinct both have worked against her here, but how could she have known.

"There's some history," he says, after a moment of thinking how to explain. "From his world. It might've ... influenced his reaction a bit."

Dryly, he adds, "As for the dismissive part, we're talking about a guy who once described getting attacked with a sword as a bit of 'light stabbing.'"

[from_the_outside]

"Right," Sharon says, after a long moment where her fingers tighten on her mug.

"Okay. Well, I didn't know any of that. Like I said, I fucked up. If you want, I can finish and you can defend him then. But I don't have to keep going."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky stares at her. "What-- no. No." He sets his coffee aside and braces his hands against the table to keep himself from moving.

"I wasn't ... you said you didn't understand," he tries, carefully. "I was only trying to explain."

[from_the_outside]

Are you going to explain to him about me? is too poisonous even to let herself think too hard. She chews on her lip and watches him, feeling suddenly lonely even in this little hut with just the two of them.

"I wasn't done," she says. "But go ahead."

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head. "No."