[oom] when you're weary, feeling small

[from_the_outside]

The problem with getting a full night's sleep at Milliways is that the night is still only just tilting toward dawn when she goes out the door and back to her room in the Citadel. Sharon showers and changes, her head full of everything the place had packed into her night, which feels more dreamlike now than the dream she'd woken from afterwards.

It's not, though. And that's a problem she's going to have to face head on.

The stars are just beginning to wink out as she makes her way back down to the hut by the lake. She takes a moment to make sure the goats are still sleeping and comfortable, then goes to the spot at the side of the hut where they so often sit and watch the sunrise, drawing her knees up and looping her arms loosely around them.

She's pretty sure Bucky will be up and out soon. No need to wake him up beforehand.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky blinks. He hadn't been expecting that.

First things first, he figures, and asks, "Are you okay?"

[from_the_outside]

"It wasn't that bad of an argument," she says, a little wry. "No physical altercations."

She pours the coffee and hands him his mug, then stirs the milk and sugar into hers.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Well, I should hope not," he says, mildly. "Or else you'd be in the cells there and I'd be sitting outside the door most of the time."

His tone has the ring of certainty... and experience. Bucky takes a sip of coffee, watching her over the edge of the mug.

[from_the_outside]

Her eyebrows edge upward. "Sounds like you've spent some time in the Milliways clink," she says. "Do I want to know?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"I have, and I'll tell you about it if you want, but why don't we come back to that."

His tone is as steady as his gaze, but it's very, very gentle. "Sharon. Are you okay?"

[from_the_outside]

She holds her coffee in one hand and scrubs over her face with the other. "I'm upset about it," she admits.

"I didn't realize I'd offended him until it was too late, and then trying to smooth it over just seemed to make things worse." She makes a face at herself, but behind her self-effacement lurks a hint of real frustration and hurt.

"The classic Sharon Carter charm strikes again."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Wait, him?" He sounds as startled as he looks. "Baby, who'd you argue with?"

[from_the_outside]

"Wei Wuxian."

For her part, she sounds as miserable as she looks. "But I wasn't trying to, seriously. I only even met him because I left him a thank you note and – I guess it was some kind of wine – because he got you patched up the other night."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I know you weren't," he murmurs, still trying to fathom what happened. "Did he think you were mad at him, or something?"

[from_the_outside]

"No," she says, then amends: "I don't think so. I was asking him about what happened, and he got really squirrelly about it and kept dodging all my questions."

She looks rueful: he knows. After SHIELD, after the CIA, nothing pings her radar faster than someone who won't give a straight answer. "But it wasn't just dodging, it felt dismissive. Like I wasn't worth taking seriously. And I got pretty frustrated. I didn't understand why he was refusing to talk to me."

[nerves_of_ice]

He manages, somehow, not to wince. Seems like training and instinct both have worked against her here, but how could she have known.

"There's some history," he says, after a moment of thinking how to explain. "From his world. It might've ... influenced his reaction a bit."

Dryly, he adds, "As for the dismissive part, we're talking about a guy who once described getting attacked with a sword as a bit of 'light stabbing.'"

[from_the_outside]

"Right," Sharon says, after a long moment where her fingers tighten on her mug.

"Okay. Well, I didn't know any of that. Like I said, I fucked up. If you want, I can finish and you can defend him then. But I don't have to keep going."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky stares at her. "What-- no. No." He sets his coffee aside and braces his hands against the table to keep himself from moving.

"I wasn't ... you said you didn't understand," he tries, carefully. "I was only trying to explain."

[from_the_outside]

Are you going to explain to him about me? is too poisonous even to let herself think too hard. She chews on her lip and watches him, feeling suddenly lonely even in this little hut with just the two of them.

"I wasn't done," she says. "But go ahead."

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head. "No."

[from_the_outside]

"Okay."

But now she is defensive, holding herself tense and wary against the makeshift sideboard, and fine: she deserves it. She'll admit that. But she doesn't love telling him she'd felt dismissed only to be dismissed again. What being stabbed has to do with it she's unsure, aside from how she's thinking it might be preferable to reliving this conversation.

"Well, so I got frustrated, he brushed me off, apparently with good reason, I said that the next time you guys did something reckless and dangerous to leave a note or take back up. It was a stupid thing to say and I offended him, but he just brushed that off too, which made me even more frustrated because it seemed like he was taking the whole thing way too lightly. Again: seemed off, because he's your friend and he brought you to the infirmary, so I assumed he took it seriously enough at the time."

[nerves_of_ice]

He listens quietly, intently, damn near sawing his tongue apart with his teeth in order to keep from saying a single word until she's finished. He can't stop himself from shaking his head in disagreement when she calls what she said stupid, though.

[from_the_outside]

She shakes her head back at him. "No," she says. "It's one thing for me to say that to you. I shouldn't have brought him into it. I should have – anyway. After that he just... got up and left. And maybe I should have let it go, but I'm already persona non grata with one of your friends, I didn't want to fuck this one up, too, so I followed him and I asked him why he wasn't talking to me, see if I could find a way to fix it. He said he wasn't going to say anything to someone he didn't know was trustworthy. Okay, that's a good reason, and it's when I finally realized he didn't have any idea who the hell I was. So I asked him, did you ever tell him anything about me?"

She shakes her head. "He said no."

A beat. She stares at her coffee, watching it ripple, and wishes this didn't hurt just as much the second time around. "But that you'd told him all about the goats."

[nerves_of_ice]

The edge of the table shatters under his left hand.

"Sharon."

[from_the_outside]

The sound of splintering wood snaps her out of it like a gunshot; she sets her coffee down so quickly it sloshes, then hurries over to pry at his metal fingers, trying to get them to release. "Baby, the table!"

[nerves_of_ice]

"I don't give a damn about the table," he grits out, low and taut, but he makes himself let go of it as she tugs at his hand. Bucky makes himself keep his left arm from doing anything at all for fear he'll overcontrol the prototype and do more damage.

[from_the_outside]

"You should, it's the only table you've got."

She lets go once his hand is free, but stays where she is, looking up into his face. "Look, I get it. I'd been poking at him and trying to get him to talk and from his perspective he didn't know me from Adam. I didn't know what you guys were experimenting with, only that it was some protective talisman that I assumed he was calling the restless spirits or whatever to come and test out, but he rightfully got pissed that I implied he would attack you with angry ghosts. And I said it seemed like he was against a note or back up – I was trying to be facetious but I insulted him. You know I'm not... I grate on people. I'm too aggressive. I pushed too hard, so he pushed me right back."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Stop it." He looks down at her, and his eyes are blazing. "Don't do that. Don't."

[from_the_outside]

"You know it's true," she insists. "SHIELD didn't train me to be a good conversationalist; they trained me to get answers. And when it's you – I wasn't thinking clearly about it. I should never have let it get that far."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Stop blaming yourself!" Bucky shakes his head.

"Do you think I can't tell you're hurt? Do you think I don't care? Why are you so insistent that it's all your fault?"