[oom] when you're weary, feeling small

[from_the_outside]

The problem with getting a full night's sleep at Milliways is that the night is still only just tilting toward dawn when she goes out the door and back to her room in the Citadel. Sharon showers and changes, her head full of everything the place had packed into her night, which feels more dreamlike now than the dream she'd woken from afterwards.

It's not, though. And that's a problem she's going to have to face head on.

The stars are just beginning to wink out as she makes her way back down to the hut by the lake. She takes a moment to make sure the goats are still sleeping and comfortable, then goes to the spot at the side of the hut where they so often sit and watch the sunrise, drawing her knees up and looping her arms loosely around them.

She's pretty sure Bucky will be up and out soon. No need to wake him up beforehand.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

"I know I'm fucking things up. I get that; it's clear. What I don't know is what to do about it," he says, quietly. "You were upset when I told Zinda about you. You were upset that I haven't yet mentioned you to Wei Wuxian. I don't know how to get it right."

He draws a slow, careful breath. "And I really don't know why you don't believe that you matter to me."

[from_the_outside]

Sharon tamps down hard on her first involuntary response – it won't help. Hear me out he said, and she's listening as hard as she can.

"You're not fucking things up, Bucky," she says, as gently as she can. "We're both still figuring out how to do this. When you told Zinda about what happened in Berlin... that... whole situation... is just complicated. It's not your fault she took it like she did. But I was happy that you told her who I was. Like I was happy when you introduced me to Sunshine, and Elrond, and the others."

The rest is – oh, it's so much harder. "I believe it," she says, low. "Who came running with T'Challa to find me and Nakia? Who else cares if I eat or sleep or what kind of mood I'm in? Who makes sure there's milk and sugar for my coffee?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"But you believe that I could be ashamed of you," he counters, low and as steady as he can make it. "Or that the damn goats could mean more than you do. Like that's even possible, either of those things."

[from_the_outside]

"I'm – not – "

He hates when she says she's not good at this, but she can't see any way where it isn't true. "I didn't – "

Slow, slow. Or else she's going to be the one running for the lake to clear her head. "I couldn't think why you wouldn't have said anything to your friends," she says. "It never occurred to me that – nothing I came up with was a good thing. And the way he said it, like I couldn't possibly matter – "

She wonders, wry, if Wei Wuxian has any idea just how precise a hit he'd managed. "But I guess it wouldn't have hit so hard if I didn't worry, a little. Deep down. Even though I know. And I do. You show me all the time that I matter to you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Is there something I can do to help you not worry about that?" Before she can answer, he shakes his head. "I mean, maybe not. But if you think of something, please tell me."

He shifts position to rest a little easier against the tree and continues, "It's not like I set out to inform or hide things there. Not consciously, anyway, other than wanting you to have the choice. That's important to me, that you do; I think you know why, right? But I just ... talk to people."

[from_the_outside]

"I know."

She's seen it. He's good with the people there; it comes easily to him like it doesn't to her.

But she doesn't know how to explain why it matters if he mentions her or not, or even if it actually does or if it's all just the product of being hurt and still feeling hurt without a good way out of the feeling, which: probably. It's not like they aren't both private people. If he said he didn't want to give any details about his life outside of the place she could hardly argue. And she knows how she'd approach it if it were just her, by herself. "You're good at it. Talking to people. Listening to them."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I used to be better at it. But that was a long, long time ago." He shrugs, just a little. "Not everyone there remembers me from before. Not everyone there who knows me knows everything about me, either, although I don't try to hide who I am and what I did. Not anymore."

[from_the_outside]

She nods.

"You're better at it than you think you are."

[nerves_of_ice]

He shrugs again, not sure what to say to that, and squeezes her fingers.

[from_the_outside]

She gives him a small, wry smile, and lets go of one hand to rub hers over her face. "Feel any better?" she asks, when it drops again.

[nerves_of_ice]

"I'm okay."

He gives her a searching look. "How about you?"

[from_the_outside]

"Not really," she admits.

"But I'm sure I'll get over it." Or she'll push it aside and do her best not to think about it, which serves the same purpose. She's more sure that she doesn't want to push or upset Bucky any further this morning, which also makes her finally remember the water that she'd brought. She drops his other hand to turn and pick it up and offer it to him. "Here."

[nerves_of_ice]

He takes it but doesn't drink. Bucky stays very still, looking at her.

[from_the_outside]

Sharon fights not to cross her arms, keeps her hands at her sides.

"Don't look at me in that tone of voice," she says. "Haven't I already upset you enough? I don't have any answers. I don't know how to explain it any better. I don't know what will help, so maybe I just feel bad for a while. There are worse things."

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's going to upset me a lot more if you start not talking to me about important things because you're worried I might have a spell."

Low and even.

"But if you want, we can talk about something else. Here or back at the hut."

[from_the_outside]

She makes a low, frustrated sound and grinds the heels of her hands into her eyes. "Do you understand why I'm upset?" she asks, finally.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Because what Wei Wuxian said made you feel like you weren't important to me. Like I didn't care enough to make sure people knew about you."

A beat of silence.

"And the nightmares. And the other dream."

[from_the_outside]

"Okay."

She can feel a headache starting to form, sleep or no sleep.

She pauses, and adds: "The other dream wasn't like that. It was a good dream."

[nerves_of_ice]

Well, at least he knows what the problem is. He doesn't know what to do about it, though, because what he'd said before is still true. But he'll have to try to figure something out.

"I'm glad," he says, quietly, focusing on the latter thing, instead. Bucky sets the waterglass down on the ground and goes to pick up the throw, then spreads it out for Sharon to sit on. "Want to tell me about it?"

[from_the_outside]

"Yes," she says. "Just – first – "

She feels sore and sad and low and she hates herself more than a little for making him feel the same way, and the only thing she knows will help make her feel better is this:

Coming up and putting her arms carefully around him, lowering her head to his shoulder. "Please."

[nerves_of_ice]

He puts his arms around her and holds her tight, without hesitation. After a second or two, he shifts just enough to slide his left arm under her legs and scoop her up. Bucky sits down on the throw and settles her in his lap, then puts both arms back around her and cradles her against him.

"Anytime," he murmurs.

[from_the_outside]

She tightens her arms around him and presses her face into his neck and shudders as the storm of emotions rolls through her.

After a long, long moment she shifts her head to set it on his shoulder instead. "I don't know," she says, hoping to tease him, take away a little of the sting by making a joke of it, "the goats are pretty damn cute."

A beat. "Just as stubborn and demanding, though."

[nerves_of_ice]

He huffs out an exasperated breath and leans his head against hers.

"The only reason the goats even came up in the first place was because he was talking about wanting a little farm," he says, after a bit.

"This was about a month before you made it to Wakanda."

[from_the_outside]

"There are lots of good reasons for them to come up," she says. "I talk about them myself."

God knows they generally are a pretty safe topic. "But yeah, wanting a farm would do it."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Uh-huh." He's quiet again for several seconds.




"I don't know if you know what it's like," he says, eventually, each word careful and slow. "How it feels. For... when someone knows, thinks they know, who you are. What you are. Before they ever meet you."