[oom] when you're weary, feeling small

[from_the_outside]

The problem with getting a full night's sleep at Milliways is that the night is still only just tilting toward dawn when she goes out the door and back to her room in the Citadel. Sharon showers and changes, her head full of everything the place had packed into her night, which feels more dreamlike now than the dream she'd woken from afterwards.

It's not, though. And that's a problem she's going to have to face head on.

The stars are just beginning to wink out as she makes her way back down to the hut by the lake. She takes a moment to make sure the goats are still sleeping and comfortable, then goes to the spot at the side of the hut where they so often sit and watch the sunrise, drawing her knees up and looping her arms loosely around them.

She's pretty sure Bucky will be up and out soon. No need to wake him up beforehand.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

He shrugs again, not sure what to say to that, and squeezes her fingers.

[from_the_outside]

She gives him a small, wry smile, and lets go of one hand to rub hers over her face. "Feel any better?" she asks, when it drops again.

[nerves_of_ice]

"I'm okay."

He gives her a searching look. "How about you?"

[from_the_outside]

"Not really," she admits.

"But I'm sure I'll get over it." Or she'll push it aside and do her best not to think about it, which serves the same purpose. She's more sure that she doesn't want to push or upset Bucky any further this morning, which also makes her finally remember the water that she'd brought. She drops his other hand to turn and pick it up and offer it to him. "Here."

[nerves_of_ice]

He takes it but doesn't drink. Bucky stays very still, looking at her.

[from_the_outside]

Sharon fights not to cross her arms, keeps her hands at her sides.

"Don't look at me in that tone of voice," she says. "Haven't I already upset you enough? I don't have any answers. I don't know how to explain it any better. I don't know what will help, so maybe I just feel bad for a while. There are worse things."

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's going to upset me a lot more if you start not talking to me about important things because you're worried I might have a spell."

Low and even.

"But if you want, we can talk about something else. Here or back at the hut."

[from_the_outside]

She makes a low, frustrated sound and grinds the heels of her hands into her eyes. "Do you understand why I'm upset?" she asks, finally.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Because what Wei Wuxian said made you feel like you weren't important to me. Like I didn't care enough to make sure people knew about you."

A beat of silence.

"And the nightmares. And the other dream."

[from_the_outside]

"Okay."

She can feel a headache starting to form, sleep or no sleep.

She pauses, and adds: "The other dream wasn't like that. It was a good dream."

[nerves_of_ice]

Well, at least he knows what the problem is. He doesn't know what to do about it, though, because what he'd said before is still true. But he'll have to try to figure something out.

"I'm glad," he says, quietly, focusing on the latter thing, instead. Bucky sets the waterglass down on the ground and goes to pick up the throw, then spreads it out for Sharon to sit on. "Want to tell me about it?"

[from_the_outside]

"Yes," she says. "Just – first – "

She feels sore and sad and low and she hates herself more than a little for making him feel the same way, and the only thing she knows will help make her feel better is this:

Coming up and putting her arms carefully around him, lowering her head to his shoulder. "Please."

[nerves_of_ice]

He puts his arms around her and holds her tight, without hesitation. After a second or two, he shifts just enough to slide his left arm under her legs and scoop her up. Bucky sits down on the throw and settles her in his lap, then puts both arms back around her and cradles her against him.

"Anytime," he murmurs.

[from_the_outside]

She tightens her arms around him and presses her face into his neck and shudders as the storm of emotions rolls through her.

After a long, long moment she shifts her head to set it on his shoulder instead. "I don't know," she says, hoping to tease him, take away a little of the sting by making a joke of it, "the goats are pretty damn cute."

A beat. "Just as stubborn and demanding, though."

[nerves_of_ice]

He huffs out an exasperated breath and leans his head against hers.

"The only reason the goats even came up in the first place was because he was talking about wanting a little farm," he says, after a bit.

"This was about a month before you made it to Wakanda."

[from_the_outside]

"There are lots of good reasons for them to come up," she says. "I talk about them myself."

God knows they generally are a pretty safe topic. "But yeah, wanting a farm would do it."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Uh-huh." He's quiet again for several seconds.




"I don't know if you know what it's like," he says, eventually, each word careful and slow. "How it feels. For... when someone knows, thinks they know, who you are. What you are. Before they ever meet you."

[from_the_outside]

She listens, feeling the way her head rises and falls with each slow breath he takes, how his voice vibrates low in his chest.

"Not that way you do," she says. "Expectations, yeah. Things they see because they want to see them. From my parents' friends to people in school... hell, I weaponized it at SHIELD. Why do you think Fury sent me undercover like he did?"

She shakes her head. "But I was a secret. There weren't any stories about me. Not like you. So it's not quite the same."

[nerves_of_ice]

"And you're good at it," he confirms. "And you were in control. Of crafting the identity. Identities. Figuring out how to - what to let others see. Instead of having that taken away from you."

He swallows, once, hard, trying to keep his words from locking in his throat.

"I w... I wanted. You to have that. You to decide what you were willing for others to know."

[from_the_outside]

He swallows hard and she leans to press a kiss to his throat as it works. "I get it," she says, softly. "And I appreciate it, baby. I do. You remember how hard it is for me to talk about who I am. Practically my whole adult life is classified. I'm still getting used to it. With you. With the elders. People at the bar."

She lifts her head to look at him, but doesn't move her arms from around his neck. "But I'm always willing for them to know about me and you. I don't want you to omit parts of your life you might want to talk about just to preserve my privacy. Unless it's someone dangerous, in which case you'd know better than me, there."

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods. "Okay." Bucky meets her eyes and adds, "I could never be ashamed of you. You're one of the most amazing people I've ever known."

[from_the_outside]

That makes her smile, just a little, crooked and warm. "Right back at you," she says, and lifts a hand to tuck a fall of his hair back behind his ears.

"But you're wrong about one thing, baby. It's not that I don't like it there."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky blinks. "What is it, then?"

[from_the_outside]

She toys with the ends of his hair, trying to find the right words.

"I always feel like I'm one step behind everyone else," she says, finally. "It seems like something always happens to put me on the back foot. There's no way to prepare for it. And I don't make friends as easily as you do. People can tell I'm holding back, and that makes them hold back, too. They ask me what I do and I don't have a good answer for them."

His hair is getting so long again; it might almost be time for another trim, if he'll let her. "But there's a lot I like. And some of the people there are starting to like me for me, I think. Which is nice."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Well, you're pretty likeable," Bucky tells her. "So I can see why."

"It's a weird place, baby, no question. And I know you hate surprises."