[oom] when you're weary, feeling small

[from_the_outside]

The problem with getting a full night's sleep at Milliways is that the night is still only just tilting toward dawn when she goes out the door and back to her room in the Citadel. Sharon showers and changes, her head full of everything the place had packed into her night, which feels more dreamlike now than the dream she'd woken from afterwards.

It's not, though. And that's a problem she's going to have to face head on.

The stars are just beginning to wink out as she makes her way back down to the hut by the lake. She takes a moment to make sure the goats are still sleeping and comfortable, then goes to the spot at the side of the hut where they so often sit and watch the sunrise, drawing her knees up and looping her arms loosely around them.

She's pretty sure Bucky will be up and out soon. No need to wake him up beforehand.

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[nerves_of_ice]

He jerks awake in the hut's soft darkness, breathing rapidly in the aftermath of the nightmare. It takes a few minutes for him to ground himself in the present, after which he rolls to his feet, pulls on clothes, and goes outside into the predawn stillness to sit and watch the light streak across the sky.

He's absolutely not expecting to find her already there. "Sharon?" Bucky goes down on one knee beside her, searching her face. "Are you okay?"

[from_the_outside]

"Hi, baby."

She lets her hands go and reaches to cradle his face with one, giving him a crooked smile. "I just didn't want to wake you up when I came down. Did you sleep okay?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Seems like I should be asking you that question," he murmurs, although he doesn't pull away from her touch. "What are you doing up so early?"

[from_the_outside]

"I couldn't at first," she admits. "Nightmares. So I went to the local and I wound up sleeping there."

She strokes her thumb gently over his cheek. "How about I make you some coffee?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He swallows back his first impulse, for now, and nods. "Okay. Coffee sounds good."

He reaches out with his right hand to help her up.

[from_the_outside]

There's a lot to tell him and plenty more to talk about, but he's only just gotten up. She can get coffee first, right? "Okay, then."

She takes his hand and lets him help her up, then laces her fingers with his as they head back into the hut, only letting go so she can start measuring coffee into the French press.

[nerves_of_ice]

He flicks on a few more of the battery-powered candles, then takes a seat at the little table, watching her.

"Need me to get more water?" he offers.

[from_the_outside]

She hefts the pitcher and gives it a little shake, then shakes her head. "Not unless you'll want another one right away," she tells him, filling the kettle and setting it to heat.

[nerves_of_ice]

"No, that's okay." He tries to take in everything that might give him a hint as to her state of mind, watching the way she holds herself, how much she focuses on the coffee, whether or not she's willing to look at him.

[from_the_outside]

"Then we should be good for a bit."

It's soothing, making the coffee. Thanks to her night at the bar, she's feeling rested, but all it means is that her mind is clear when it replays every dumb thing she said and did back at her, when she remembers waking up with tears streaking her face, certain that her dream hadn't been a dream at all.

So it helps to put a little distance between her and all the rest of it by carefully measuring out the coffee – she makes it much stronger than she usually prefers, more to his preference – and getting the mugs ready. She adds sugar and cream to hers ahead of time, just to add another step, then leans back against the makeshift sideboard and crosses her arms to wait for the water, giving him a small smile as she does.

"Did you have a pretty quiet night?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Pretty quiet," he agrees. Something's wrong, he's sure of it. She doesn't seem defensive, or angry, but almost vulnerable. He tamps down hard on his urge to get up and go to her, for now, given the way she's got her arms crossed protectively in front of her.

"You said you had nightmares?"

[from_the_outside]

"Mm."

Would it help to explain the nightmares in question? Sorry I was an ass to your friend, Bucky, but in my defense I had bad dreams is a pretty thin excuse, but at the time it felt real and immediate and absolutely necessary. "I had some pretty wild dreams at the bar, too," she says, putting a pin in it for now.

The kettle begins a low whistle and she turns to pour steaming water slowly into the French press. "Better ones, but still very intense."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Will you tell me about it?" Either. Both. Any.

[from_the_outside]

She doesn't answer right away, focusing instead on carefully stirring the grounds and water to make sure it'll brew right before setting the cap and filter back on and turning around once more. "Sure."

What was it about her talk with Wei Wuxian that left her feeling so sore and shaken? It wasn't just the insinuation that the goats were more important, she thinks, but the rest is all just a confused swirl in her head and chest. And did she really talk with Aunt Peggy's ghost, or was that just her subconscious telling her that despite everything she's still feeling uncertain of her place in his life?

"The nightmare was vague: I knew something terrible had happened, something happened to you, but I couldn't find you anywhere. I couldn't help, I couldn't stop it, I just kept searching and searching in a panic until I woke up."

She still doesn't want to think too hard about it, honestly. She can remember waking up in a cold sweat easily enough. "The other dream was about Aunt Peggy."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Oh, baby," he murmurs. Now he does get up, and crosses over to her, watching for any sign she might want to pull back as he sets a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Come here?"

[from_the_outside]

She goes, because for better or worse she's a satellite caught in his orbit and it was bad enough waking up without him. Her arms go around his middle and she presses to his chest, setting her head against his shoulder as she breathes him in.

"Should have just come down here, even though it was late, instead of sleeping in my room," she murmurs.

[nerves_of_ice]

He rests the prototype arm around her waist, and runs his other hand up and down her back in long, slow strokes. "You're always welcome. No matter what time. You know that, right?"

[from_the_outside]

You know that, right?

She knows she wouldn't have even thought to question it yesterday. Today, she's not so sure. "I'm here a lot," she murmurs. "You might want a night to yourself now and then."

In a normal time, if they were normal people in a normal situation, they wouldn't have gone from... whatever they were to practically living together. It wouldn't be odd at all if she wasn't so entangled in his life and living situation.

[nerves_of_ice]

"You might, too." He keeps up the gentle, soothing pressure. "I know that. Doesn't change what I just said."

[from_the_outside]

"I didn't want to wake you up."

The timer goes off and she's almost grateful for it, extricates herself gently from his arms and goes to slowly, slowly press the plunger down. While she does, she takes a moment to steel herself, then says: "Baby, I'm sorry. I fucked up while I was there and got into an argument with your friend. I feel terrible about it."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky blinks. He hadn't been expecting that.

First things first, he figures, and asks, "Are you okay?"

[from_the_outside]

"It wasn't that bad of an argument," she says, a little wry. "No physical altercations."

She pours the coffee and hands him his mug, then stirs the milk and sugar into hers.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Well, I should hope not," he says, mildly. "Or else you'd be in the cells there and I'd be sitting outside the door most of the time."

His tone has the ring of certainty... and experience. Bucky takes a sip of coffee, watching her over the edge of the mug.

[from_the_outside]

Her eyebrows edge upward. "Sounds like you've spent some time in the Milliways clink," she says. "Do I want to know?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"I have, and I'll tell you about it if you want, but why don't we come back to that."

His tone is as steady as his gaze, but it's very, very gentle. "Sharon. Are you okay?"