[oom] when you're weary, feeling small

[from_the_outside]

The problem with getting a full night's sleep at Milliways is that the night is still only just tilting toward dawn when she goes out the door and back to her room in the Citadel. Sharon showers and changes, her head full of everything the place had packed into her night, which feels more dreamlike now than the dream she'd woken from afterwards.

It's not, though. And that's a problem she's going to have to face head on.

The stars are just beginning to wink out as she makes her way back down to the hut by the lake. She takes a moment to make sure the goats are still sleeping and comfortable, then goes to the spot at the side of the hut where they so often sit and watch the sunrise, drawing her knees up and looping her arms loosely around them.

She's pretty sure Bucky will be up and out soon. No need to wake him up beforehand.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

"Stop blaming yourself!" Bucky shakes his head.

"Do you think I can't tell you're hurt? Do you think I don't care? Why are you so insistent that it's all your fault?"

[from_the_outside]

"Because he had a perfectly good reason not to talk to me!" she says, and yes, she's hurt and frustrated and she hates the idea that she's fucked up with yet another of his friends just by virtue of being what she is, but none of that means he was wrong.

"Yeah, it would have been great if he'd said so at the beginning, but – I just – I – "

She's faltering now. "I tried," she says, unhappily. "He's your friend. I really wanted it to work. I apologized. And I was trying to find a way for us to relate to each other, but honestly by that point it felt like I was just digging myself deeper and deeper. I mean, eventually we got onto safer topics, but I don't think either of us really wanted to linger."

She shakes her head. "I wanted to thank him and maybe get to know him but it blew up in my face, so yes, it hurts."

[nerves_of_ice]

He lets out a long, slow breath and holds his right hand out to her, silently asking if she’ll come to him.

[from_the_outside]

She takes his hand and steps in, feeling like she's going to prick him all over like he's holding one of those spiky sea urchins instead of a flesh and blood woman.

But she goes. She can't not, and she doesn't want to stay away.

[nerves_of_ice]

Carefully, he folds her into his arms, and just holds her for a moment.

“I’m sorry,” he says, finally, murmuring it into her hair. “Sorry for snapping at you. Sorry that you and Wei Wuxian got your wires crossed. Sorry that you’re hurting right now. But I don’t think it’s all your fault.”

[from_the_outside]

"You didn't snap at me. You're fine."

She puts her arms around his middle, feeling like a long, taut string vibrating with every small touch. "Don't worry," she mutters, "I wasn't so charitable at the time. I thought he was being an ass. And I didn't like that crack about the goats."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I don’t either.” His tone is very flat.

[from_the_outside]

The real problem, she knows, is not rubbing Wei Wuxian the wrong way – although that's bad enough. It's how she always feels just a little out of step there, like she'll never quite catch up. She's been a few times now and it hasn't stopped feeling like she's trespassing in a part of his life that doesn't know her and doesn't especially want her for herself. Which is probably why what Wei Wuxian said hurt so damn much.

She wants him to fill in the blanks so she hits fewer hidden trapdoors next time and she wants to ask why his friends don't know she exists and she wants to make sure he can smooth things over with Wei Wuxian for himself, because she's damned if she'll be the reason someone who helped him before decides not to again, but it all knots into her chest and she can't pick a thread clear, so she just holds onto him instead.

[nerves_of_ice]

After a few moments, he starts running his hand back and forth over her back again. “I’ll talk to him,” he promises. “Make sure it won’t happen again.”

[from_the_outside]

"I don't want him to take it out on you," she says, stubborn.

"It's the whole reason I followed him to begin with. I know he helped you in the past. I don't want him mad at you, so just tell him I'm sorry about it. Maybe that'll help."

[nerves_of_ice]

“He won’t.” He pulls back just enough to look down at her. “What I was trying to say before… it’s not your fault, Sharon.”

[from_the_outside]

She gives him a slightly cynical look. "I feel like he'll disagree with you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"We'll see, but I doubt it. Especially once I explain."

Bucky shakes his head. "He's got a bit of a history with people coming after him for stuff. Stuff related to the resentful energy, ghost summoning, all of that. It didn't end well. Doesn't mean it was good for him to stonewall you like that, but I'm guessing that's why he did."

[from_the_outside]

"No, he stonewalled me because he didn't know me," she says, certain despite the frustration and hurt that come bubbling up.

"He had no reason to trust me. But that explains the hostility. And why he got offended."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Right." Bucky studies her expression.

"Sharon, baby, you know why I didn't tell him about you, right?"

[from_the_outside]

"No," she says. "Especially since I've been there now. And we've been together for months. To be honest I thought it might have come up at least once."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Because it seems to me like you don't actually like it there," Bucky tells her, point-blank. "And after what happened when I told Zinda -- I thought you'd rather meet people in your own time, on your own terms, and tell them whatever you wanted them to know, instead of walking in and having people know things about you when you don't know them. I wanted it to be your choice."

[from_the_outside]

"God, Bucky – !"

She lets go of him to pace the few steps of space that are available before turning. "There's a lot of leeway between telling people things I might not want them to know and telling them I exist. I don't want to be a secret! And I don't like that surprised look when people who've known you for ages find out who I am to you. It doesn't feel great, okay, it sucks. It feels like I am less important than the goats."

She lifts her hands. "Why on earth would I not want people to know we're together?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He stares at her in surprise, and in the instant before everything about his expression shuts down, there's a visible flash of hurt.

"You tell me." Low and even.

[from_the_outside]

"I can't! Because there isn't a reason why I wouldn't want people to know. Especially your friends, who are presumably interested in what's going on in your life."

She comes back closer, watching him, wanting to shake or soothe that closed-off expression off his face. "I get that you want me to be able to make the choice of how much to say, but I don't know where the boundaries are. Do you not want me to talk about you?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Sharon." He holds himself perfectly still. "I told you about the bar in the first place. I took you there - we went there together. I introduced you to people. How is any of that keeping you a secret?"

Compromised! a corner of his brain screams at him. He ignores it.

[from_the_outside]

"It isn't. That's why I don't understand. But they didn't know anything about me until then, right?"

Somewhere behind her, her coffee has gone stone cold. "Do you not talk about Steve, either? Or the people here in Wakanda?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"I don't even mention Wakanda by name," Bucky informs her. "Or anyone except Shuri, to a very few people. Nor do I tell anyone what Steve's up to now. He goes to the bar sometimes, it's up to him to decide what he wants people to know."

[from_the_outside]

"So you don't mention your best friend Steve at all?" she asks. "I don't mean what he's up to. I mean just in general."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I --"

A muscle twitches in his jaw. He makes himself take a careful breath.

"I don't know what you want me to say."