[ WWII AU ] a ghost story

[from_the_outside]

It's been almost two years since she's been home, and little by little, the grief has gotten easier to live with.

It hasn't gone away. But she's able to focus on her job, watch movies, chat with friends, sleep most nights. She still dreams about him, but the dreams are tinged with wistful longing and only sometimes does she wake up with tears on her cheeks. She can't have his picture out in this apartment, Kate's apartment, but it's safe in the mountain house, along with his last letter to her, and she has a scan on her phone to look at when the long day is over and she's in bed, the stars from the lamp he'd given her filling her dark room.

Steve has helped, more than she could ever explain, and she hopes she's helped him in return. Aside from a few deeply classified missions here and there, they haven't worked together all that much, but she still sees him almost every day. In the halls, she's undercover as his mild-mannered neighbor, Kate, but in her secure apartment they can talk over anything, everything.

And it works. Every day is a little easier. They lean on each other when they need to, and they spend hours remembering and reminiscing about Bucky, talking shop, chatting about how Steve's fitting into the future. It's nice. She still misses Bucky, an ache that never really goes away, but they can both breathe through it, work through it, live through it.

She's on her way up from the basement laundry machines when she hears a familiar step in the hall, and has to smile to herself – first her own, then Kate's sweeter, more open one. "Hey, neighbor."

Comments

[from_the_outside]

"Yeah?"

She slows to a stop, drawing him to a halt with her before she looks up at him. "If it had been me or Steve who had been lost, and brainwashed, and tortured, and turned into a human weapon, would you blame us?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“No. But that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t blame yourself.”

He looks away again, scanning the treeline before they step out of cover.

[from_the_outside]

"You just said yourself you could not want things," she points out. "I know you must feel guilty. I just want you to understand Steve and I don't think you are."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I understand that. I do.”

What it means in the end they have yet to see.

[from_the_outside]

"Okay." Whatever he might be looking for in the treeline, there's nothing but birds and insects as they step out into the clearing where the house sits and begin crossing the lawn.

[nerves_of_ice]

He tries to brace himself internally for whatever’s coming next as he walks beside her back to the house.

Coffee first, though. That seems a small enough thing to allow himself to anticipate. Safe, too.

He hates what he’s doing to her, to them, by the sheer fact of what he’s become. Maybe he should try to contact Natasha; she’d gotten out, she’d assimilated somehow, she must know how it’s done. Maybe she’d at least be willing to tell him how to avoid the land mines he keeps tripping over.

[from_the_outside]

She sets a hand lightly on his back as they head up the stairs to the porch and into the house, where Steve looks up from the paper he's reading at the island, a cup of coffee in his hand. It gives her another pang to see him there — a glimpse into another life, maybe — before she smiles at him. "Good morning."

"Good morning," he returns, glancing between them. "Have a good walk?"

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky nods. It's easier than trying to say anything else, even if he knew where to start to explain, even if it weren't private - and then he realizes there is something he can safely say. "Sharon was showing me around a little."

His glance flicks to the paper. "Any news we should know about?"

[from_the_outside]

Steve glances from Bucky to her and slips out a page from the paper, offering it over. She takes it, her glance flicking over it, then frowns at him.

"A hearing?"

[nerves_of_ice]

Tension sets in every line of him.

"Hearing for who?"

[from_the_outside]

She frowns at the paper, then offers it to him. "All of us, pretty much. By way of Nat."

[nerves_of_ice]

He scans it quickly, and what he sees doesn't do anything to reassure him. "They're going to want blood."

[from_the_outside]

"They always do." She takes the page back and offers it back to Steve before going to get some more coffee. "Fury won't help; he's still pretending to be dead. But we should do something, Steve."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I could go to the hearing," Steve says, a little doubtfully but still game. "I know Nat was planning on handling it, but--"

"Have you gotten any better at lying?" Bucky asks, point-blank.

[from_the_outside]

"He hasn't," Sharon answers, while Steve gives her a wry look but doesn't argue. She pours her coffee and fixes it for herself, then leans back against the counter, speculative.

"I could go, but I'm SHIELD all the way down. Nat at least has the protection of being an Avenger."

[nerves_of_ice]

"At least it's public. Sort of. She'll have an exit strategy. That'll help."

Bucky shakes his head. "They'll be wanting answers. As well as blood. You'll have to decide what you want to tell them."

[from_the_outside]

"We'll figure it out." And she'll get in touch with Nat however she can. "It isn't for a week or so."

Probably longer, if she knows anything about the slow-turning wheels of bureaucracy.

[nerves_of_ice]

He glances back and forth between them. "Does anyone else know you found me?"

[from_the_outside]

"Sam," Steve tells him. "Maria Hill. No one else."

[from_the_outside]

"No," Steve tells him, answering for them both. "Sharon and I are the only ones. And Peggy, but..."

He glances at Sharon, who meets his eyes for a long moment before turning a wry look on Bucky. "If Aunt Peggy says anything, people will just think she's confused."

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods.

"You should tell Natasha. Before the hearing. To plan. In case it helps."

He leaves that decision to them and turns away to go pour a cup of coffee for himself. It's a small act, choosing to take that tiny luxury, but no less significant for it.

[from_the_outside]

"Somehow I don't think she'll be any more interested in throwing you under the bus than we are," Sharon murmurs, flicking a glance at him. He doesn't know yet that she knows about what happened with him and Natasha when he trained her, but she'll have to tell him, soon.

[nerves_of_ice]

"No." He's sure of that much, at least. Despite everything. "But she'll do what's needed."

He's sure of that too, and it comes through in his tone of voice.

[from_the_outside]

"Good think it's not needed, then," she tells him, without room for argument.

"Sharon's right," Steve says. "We're not using you for leverage or anything else. If we tell Nat, it'll be because she'd want to know you're safe."

[nerves_of_ice]

He takes a slow sip of coffee, watching them both over the rim of the mug. "What if it could help?"