[AU] there's grief of Want and grief of Cold

[from_the_outside]

She sleeps later than she had the day before – a combination of not having to get up and go to the doctor and exhaustion – and when she comes downstairs, the house is quiet but coffee is already made. After making herself a cup, she pads barefoot to the door and steps out into the crisp mountain morning.

She's unsurprised to see that Bucky is up, and to find Steve's motorcycle gone from the driveway. "Steve head out already?"

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[from_the_outside]

She laces her fingers through his, coming close enough to look up into his face. "I won't be," she says, stubborn and miserable and angry all at once. "If something happens to you, if he hurts you, I'll –"

She takes a quick breath, centers herself. "I don't want to escalate things. But I'm going to protect you, no matter what. Here or there. It's okay if you don't want to go. We'll figure it out. I really don't think he'd risk hurting me."

[nerves_of_ice]

The tiniest of smiles quirks the corner of his mouth. "Looks like I have a guardian angel."

Maybe she's right; maybe Stark wouldn't hurt her. Bucky's not willing to risk it.

"I'll be fine," he tries to assure her. "It'll be okay."

[from_the_outside]

"Yeah," she says, grim. "You will, because I'll make sure of it."

She squeezes his hand and lets go, stepping back. "If there's anything you want to make sure he doesn't have access to, you can leave it here. No one will touch it."

[nerves_of_ice]

He glances sideways at the journal. “No,” he says, after a second.” “I’ll bring them. The backpack.”

[from_the_outside]

"Okay."

She's not happy. He's not happy. Tony isn't happy. Steve won't be happy when he hears.

(Zemo. Zemo might be happy, if he were ever to know.) She sighs. "Then I'll let him know we'll come and then pack a few things."

[nerves_of_ice]

He opens his mouth to say ‘you don’t have to’ and closes it again, choosing to nod instead.

“Okay.”

He stays still, waiting to follow her.

[from_the_outside]

She gives him a tight nod back and stalks to the door to open it and stare out at Tony Stark.

Still in her driveway. "Fine," she says, flat. "We'll come, for now. We'll be out in a second."

She doesn't wait for him to answer before she shuts and locks the door again.

[nerves_of_ice]

His lips twitch in a flicker of amusement. Silently, he goes to the island and retrieves the journal, then walks to the bottom of the stairs.

[from_the_outside]

She takes advantage of the adrenaline swimming in her system to climb the stairs more quickly than she's been managing and heads straight to her room to start throwing things back into her bag.

(She doesn't pause. She can't sit and think. Not yet. She's not ready for her failure to come crashing down on her.)

The codeine she brings to the bathroom and empties down the toilet. She can't afford the fuzziness it brings. She'll just have to make do with over the counter painkillers and ice packs.

[nerves_of_ice]

He’s waiting in the hall outside her room when she comes out, his pack slung on his back.

[from_the_outside]

She's got her own backpack slung over her right shoulder, her phone in her hand, and she pauses in the hall to look up at him.

"Bucky, I'm sorry," she says, soft. "I promised you would be safe here and you weren't. That's on me."

Her free hand makes an abortive move towards him, then fists and drops to her side. "I'm not going to screw this up, too. It's going to be okay."

[nerves_of_ice]

“It’s not on you. I’m fine,” he says, quiet and clear. “He must have tracked Steve somehow. It’ll be okay, Sharon.”

[from_the_outside]

Her mouth presses, but she doesn't say anything else, just looks at him for a second longer before turning and heading down the stairs and out the door to follow Tony goddamn Stark to New York.

[marvel_npc]

“Friday, take a note on driveway repair,” he’s saying when the two of them step out of the house. Carter locks up and gives him an unfriendly look; Barnes doesn’t seem to be feeling anything for all he can tell.

Maybe brainwashing makes you a robot in more than one way. “Took you long enough. You know the way to the compound or you need directions?”

He can afford to be magnanimous. Sort of.

[from_the_outside]

"Just give me the address," she says, flat. "I'll put it into Google Maps."

[marvel_npc]

He rattles it off and snaps down his visor. “Meet you in the air in five. I can track the cloak, so don’t get cute.”

[from_the_outside]

She stands, fuming, in the drive as he spreads his palms to the ground and takes off in a blaze of light and sound.

"I don't like him," she says, and stalks off along the trail that leads to the Quinjet.

[nerves_of_ice]

“Makes two of us. But Steve must see something in him.”

He keeps his head turned to track Stark’s progress through the sky as they head for the jet.

[from_the_outside]

Steve sees something in everybody.

It wouldn't help, so she doesn't say it, just lapses into silence until they reach the Quinjet and she can enter the code that unlocks it.

As she sits back down in the pilot's seat and begins warming the engines up, she glances at him. "Speaking of Steve, we should probably give him a heads up."

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head, taking the copilot’s seat beside her. “They’re in the middle of the op. We can tell him when he calls to check in.”

[from_the_outside]

She doesn't look happy, but she doesn't argue.

"Fine," she says, as the Quinjet lifts off and she sets a course.

(Only the thought that he might actually attack keeps her from painting Stark with a targeting laser once they're in the air, simply out of spite.)

"But I'm letting Fury know."

[nerves_of_ice]

He watches as Stark takes up an escort position, clearly intending to make sure they don’t make a break for it.

“Okay.”

Try though he might, he can’t keep from sounding weary.

[from_the_outside]

She uses the Quinjet's communications to message Fury. It's impossible to say whether she feels sick to her stomach from anger, guilt, worry, or the out-going tide of adrenaline, but she definitely doesn't feel great.

So she opens a channel to Iron Man. Instead of saying anything, though, she connects it to a looped audio file without a shred of guilt.

It makes her feel a tiny bit better.

[nerves_of_ice]

Another channel crackles to life. “Cute,” Stark says. “Real cute.”

Bucky glances sideways at her.

[from_the_outside]

"Oh, right," she says, seemingly to the air. "He said don't be cute."

Well, she can't help it.