[AU] there's grief of Want and grief of Cold

[from_the_outside]

She sleeps later than she had the day before – a combination of not having to get up and go to the doctor and exhaustion – and when she comes downstairs, the house is quiet but coffee is already made. After making herself a cup, she pads barefoot to the door and steps out into the crisp mountain morning.

She's unsurprised to see that Bucky is up, and to find Steve's motorcycle gone from the driveway. "Steve head out already?"

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky nods. He's sitting on the porch steps, coffee cup loosely grasped in his right hand and steam rising from it.

"First thing," he confirms. "He'll probably call to check in later, once he talks to people. Or text you, or both."

That last is a little rueful. He twists around to look up at her. "Sleep well?"

[from_the_outside]

She comes to sit next to him, wincing a little – the painkillers wore off in the night and she hasn't taken a new one yet. "Like a rock," she admits.

"I hate those horse pills but I have to admit they really do knock me out."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Maybe in a couple of days you can go back and get a topical of some kind," he suggests. "I know they make patches, like bandages, that have some kind of medication built in."

[from_the_outside]

"Lidocaine," she confirms, sipping at her coffee. "He said I could maybe switch to those and regular ibuprofen next week, if the pain wasn't as bad. But he didn't like that this is the second time in as many months I hurt those ribs."

She frowns at the morning, despite the clear skies and fresh air. "But I hate being laid up like this."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Imagine that." A desert couldn't be dryer than his voice. He takes a swallow of coffee, glancing sideways at her over the rim of the mug.

"So you're going to take it easy today, right?"

[marvel_npc]

Something's up with Steve, and Natasha Romanoff doesn't like not knowing what's going on. She doesn't like it at all. Especially not when it's something like this.

He'd dropped by her apartment before nine in the morning to tell her that he'd gotten a lead on a threat, and that he needed her help finding a man named Karpov - a man who's ex-KGB, apparently. (At least he'd brought her coffee.)

She's sure she was able to cover her expression. There's no reason for Steve to know, or even suspect, that she knows who Karpov is probably better than he does. That part of the file had been censored. She knows; she'd checked it herself.

The question is why he was asking in the first place -- especially after an unscheduled, unexpected two nights away from the compound.

Nat settles at the terminal in her apartment, the one that she sweeps regularly to make sure that Tony hasn't added any tricks, and starts trying to figure out just where Steve Rogers has been for the last two days.

[from_the_outside]

She gives him a slightly glum look.

"Do I have a choice?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Sure, but if you make a stupid choice, you can be sure I'm gonna hassle you about it," he warns her.

[from_the_outside]

She makes a face at him. "Yes, I will take it easy today," she says, and adds, "mom," because she's still only half awake and that always makes her feel a little snippy.

But the coffee helps and the cool morning air is refreshing, and things are... well, if not looking up, not actively getting worse. Which is pretty good, considering.

[nerves_of_ice]

He manages to keep from rolling his eyes. "Thank you." More quietly, Bucky adds, "You know it's just because I worry, right?"

[from_the_outside]

Why?

She doesn't ask it. "You can talk to me about worrying when I've disappeared for a month with no way to contact me and no certainty that I'm okay," she says, instead.

God, she'd been furious when she got that postcard. And then when Zemo appeared instead of him –

She sips at her coffee and studiously doesn't look his way. "Then maybe you can worry, like I did."

[nerves_of_ice]

His coffee cup stops mid-lift. After a second he lowers it again, eyeing her warily.

"I told you I'd be following up on a few leads," he starts. "And that I'd contact you when I had something."

[from_the_outside]

"A month!" she says, like repeating herself will get it through his thick skull. "I worried about you for a month."

She sighs, a little, her hands cupping around her coffee mug, her gaze on the woods across the yard. "Fine," she says, finally. "You're right. You never promised to contact me for anything other than a mission."

[nerves_of_ice]

Beside her, Bucky goes very, very still.




Finally: "I almost didn't."

[from_the_outside]

She grimaces, forehead furrowing, eyes squinting closed like she has a headache that looks and sounds exactly like one Bucky Barnes. "Awesome," she says, after a second.

"I feel great about that."

[nerves_of_ice]

There's maybe a swallow of coffee left in his mug. With a snap of his wrist, he sends it flying outward over the yard before setting his cup aside.

"You don't get it." It's quiet and steady. "I wanted to be sure I had something to offer you besides ever-more-dangerous missions that were exposing you to risk every single time you set foot into the same room as me."

[from_the_outside]

"I think that's oversimplifying things," she says, slowly, but she's watching him now. There's still a frown perched between her eyebrows, but it's confusion now instead of frustration.

"There are plenty of other things you offer me."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I thought maybe there was a chance there could have been."

He shrugs, a little.

"Anyway. I'm sorry I made you worry."

[from_the_outside]

"Wait," she says, frowning harder. She puts a hand on his shoulder like he's literally walking away, instead of doing it verbally.

"Rewind. You put that postcard in my mailbox for a reason, and if it wasn't just the mission, what was it?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"To set up a meeting," he reminds her.

[from_the_outside]

"Oh my god," she says, exasperated.

"Why do I like you when you are so incredibly annoying? I know, to set up a meeting. You just said you didn't want to contact me until you thought you had something else to offer. What was it?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"It doesn't matter," Bucky tells her. "I was wrong. Zemo proved that."

[from_the_outside]

"Humor me," she says, and though it's dry there's a core of steel in it.

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head and gets to his feet, picking up his mug as he does. "I'm going in for a refill," Bucky tells her, holding it up. "Want one?"

[from_the_outside]

She offers up her cup wordlessly, but before he can turn and go she catches at the hem of his jeans. "Bucky," she says, quiet.

"You might not think it matters, but it does to me. Zemo didn't prove anything wrong."

Her fingers tighten, then relax and let go. "Just think about it."