[AU] there's grief of Want and grief of Cold

[from_the_outside]

She sleeps later than she had the day before – a combination of not having to get up and go to the doctor and exhaustion – and when she comes downstairs, the house is quiet but coffee is already made. After making herself a cup, she pads barefoot to the door and steps out into the crisp mountain morning.

She's unsurprised to see that Bucky is up, and to find Steve's motorcycle gone from the driveway. "Steve head out already?"

Comments

[from_the_outside]

Her mouth presses into a wry line as she looks over at him. It's more than enough to make the call; she unlocks her phone and calls up the text app, then types out a quick message to Natasha.

No news from Steve since the afternoon. Everything ok up there?

[marvel_npc]

When her phone vibrates in her hand, Natasha glances up to see if Sam's noticed. He's settled in for the duration in the seating area outside the informal kitchen-slash-meeting room where Tony and Steve have been holed up since early afternoon and is currently doing his best to stare through the door. He flicks a level look at her and goes back to trying to eavesdrop.

At least most of the yelling has stopped.

She's glad she'd managed to convince Wanda and Vision that they didn't need to stick around for this, and Rhodey's off on Air Force business. Hopefully Tony will see her as being on his side when the door opens, if need be, so that he won't feel outnumbered and defensive because of it. More defensive, anyway.

She taps open a reply and sends, They're still discussing. Want to place a bet on who's more stubborn?

[from_the_outside]

"Nat says they're still talking," she reports, and huffs a faint laugh at the typed question.

Might come down to who loses their voice first tbh.

[marvel_npc]

She breathes out a near-silent wisp of laughter, fingers flying.

In that case, Tony's done more yelling. It's quieter now, though. I think Steve's wearing him down. Both Sam and I are keeping an eye on things.

[from_the_outside]

Rock + hard place battle royale?

To Bucky, she says, "She says she thinks Steve's wearing him down. She and Sam are both around."

Any luck on Karpov?

[nerves_of_ice]

He breathes in, breathes out, and nods, glancing from her face to the phone and back again. "That's good. Smart."

[marvel_npc]

Pretty much.

The faint smile on her face fades into something much more intent as she sends the next text.

Cleveland, Ohio.

I'll tell Steve after he's done.

[from_the_outside]

She relays the message, then types out:

Thanks, Nat. I owe you big-time. You + me + the world's largest martinis after all this.

[marvel_npc]

No you don't. Not for this. But yes to drinks. A lot of them.

A loud 'thud' comes from inside the room and she winces. "How many is that now?"

"Lost count," Sam says. "Haven't heard any crashing, though, so the table or whatever's probably still intact."

"Tony can afford to replace it if he breaks it, at least," she observes, and Sam snorts.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Cleveland?" Bucky frowns. "Why'd he pick Cleveland? I mean, I guess if you're wanting to just keep your head down it's not bad, but is there something more strategic there that I'm not seeing?"

[from_the_outside]

"Maybe he really likes going to the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame," she says, dry as dust while she pockets her phone again.

"Who knows? The main thing is she's got a location."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Knew she'd find it. That's fast, though."

[from_the_outside]

"I'm sure it helped to know what she was looking for."

She already feels antsy, considers calling Fury to get an update from him, too, just to have something useful to do.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Sure," he agrees, and leaves it at that. "Anyway, we'll know more soon."

[from_the_outside]

"There's that."

She tugs the jacket a little closer around her shoulders and tips her face up to look at the stars.

[nerves_of_ice]

He glances over at her.

"Warm enough?"

[from_the_outside]

"Yeah."

She gives him a slightly amused glance. "Don't you get cold? Or does that super-soldier metabolism keep you toasty?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"That's probably why," he agrees. "I don't really notice the cold much. I mean, it's not like cryo, so it just... doesn't register."

[from_the_outside]

That sets alarm bells ringing in her head, but she keeps her voice easy, along with the glance she casts at him.

"Yeah, I can see how that would be a lot more intense than a chilly early spring night."

(He'd been so cold under her hands. The air that puffed out from the chamber had left her fingertips tingling.)

[nerves_of_ice]

"Uh-huh."

He glances over at her.

"Do you want to know?"

He appears to be perfectly serious.

[from_the_outside]

The problem with her instincts shouting danger danger danger is that she's done nothing but run toward danger her whole life.

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious."

Which isn't exactly the same thing.

[nerves_of_ice]

You're a person, she'd said. She'd told him he was someone she cares about. Thanks to Zemo, he knows that's a mistake, now. Maybe if she understands, truly understands, what he is and how he was made to be -- maybe that'll counter the image of a normal man that he'd held up for her parents all evening. She needs to know the truth.

He draws a slow breath.

"It's easier going under than waking up," he tells her, his voice carefully steady. Matter-of-fact, even. "The cold sinks into your bones, but it happens fast. It used to be a liquid solution before the mist; I guess the mist is easier to get rid of after. It chokes you less, anyway, so that's something. You can feel it happening, but not for long. It hits everywhere pretty much all at once."

[from_the_outside]

The line of her mouth twists, but she doesn't comment until he's finished, and then she just says: "Efficient."

And horrible. Cryo by itself isn't necessarily, but – the thing that gets her is when he says it used to be. Meaning they'd changed their operations over the years. And who could they have experimented on?

That's the real horror. Not the kind of thing anyone with any kind of conscience would do to a thinking, feeling person. Or even to an animal.

[nerves_of_ice]

"I guess," he says, a little wryly. "And - well, you saw what it's like when I come out of it. It takes a little while to get warm after that, but I'm used to it, so I don't really notice."

[from_the_outside]

Of all the things he says that hit her like a bullet and make her furious all over again with HYDRA and Pierce and Karpov and Zemo, I'm used to it probably tops the list.

He shouldn't be. No one should ever be. He should never have had to get used to any of it at all. "Then I'm extra glad I brought that coat for you," she says, more lightly than she feels.