[AU] there's grief of Want and grief of Cold

[from_the_outside]

She sleeps later than she had the day before – a combination of not having to get up and go to the doctor and exhaustion – and when she comes downstairs, the house is quiet but coffee is already made. After making herself a cup, she pads barefoot to the door and steps out into the crisp mountain morning.

She's unsurprised to see that Bucky is up, and to find Steve's motorcycle gone from the driveway. "Steve head out already?"

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

"It was nice of you," he agrees, and waves his right hand vaguely at the house behind them.

"All of this is, too. Thank you."

[from_the_outside]

She shrugs a little, though she casts a quirked quarter-smile at him. "Just doing my part, citizen."

Bending forward hurts; she leans against the railing instead of on her thighs. "I wish I could do more."

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's a lot more than 'your part,'" he argues. "You've done more than almost anyone else ever has. Ever."

[from_the_outside]

She had the timing and the training and the opportunity. That's a hell of a boost.

"But there's a lot more to do."

[nerves_of_ice]

He shrugs.

"I'll be fine. What matters is making sure the Avengers are safe."

[from_the_outside]

She gives him a slightly exasperated look.

"More than one thing can matter at a time, you know."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Okay," he says, "what matters most, then."

[from_the_outside]

"I'd buy that if I believed you thought you matter at all," she tells him, in much the same tone as he'd said I wish you would stop saying you're bad at things that morning.

"They really did a number on you to make you think that way."

[nerves_of_ice]

He slants a sideways look at her. It's a little wary, and a lot resigned.

"Maybe we can argue about this when we're not waiting to find out if Tony Stark's going to descend like the supposed wrath of God to avenge his parents," he says. "His parents that I murdered in cold blood."

[from_the_outside]

She waves a hand in a loose gesture. "Honestly, why wait? We're just killing time anyway."

The look she gives him is a level one. "You keep trying to convince me you're a monster. It's not going to work; I'm just going to tell you that one right off the bat so you can try a new approach."

[nerves_of_ice]

He sighs.

"Maybe not a monster," he says, after a long silence. "It'd probably be easier in some ways if I were."

Bucky draws a slow breath.

"Sharon, I sat there with your parents today and pretended to be normal. Even so, your dad nearly recognized me. You think that would have led anywhere good? I'm not normal. I'm a puppet, HYDRA's murderous wind-up toy, a killer, and an internationally wanted criminal. I don't want to hurt you."

[from_the_outside]

"That's good," she says, after swallowing the first few responses that punch against the backs of her teeth. "I don't want to get hurt. Recovery is the pits."

Even that's more flippant than she means to be. It's a defensive measure of her own; taking it down is harder than she'd expected. "Look, I used to think you were all those things. Only those things. But you're not."

She turns her whole body rather than just her head and shoulders, leaning back against the railing so she can look at him head on. "You're Bucky Barnes," she tells him, stubborn. "And I know you're more than those things because I've seen it. Normal? Who cares about normal? You think I'm normal?"

He's too far for her to reach like this, but her knees nudge his leg. "You wouldn't hurt me."

The Winter Soldier is an entirely different thing, in her opinion. "I trust that. I trust you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I would, if I were activated," he says, quietly. "But I wouldn't want to."

A beat of silence, in which the cry of some distant night bird echoes.

"I wouldn't ever want to."

[from_the_outside]

"I know," she says, gently. It serves as an answer to both his comments, really. She studies him in the pale moonlight.

"I'm going to do everything I can to make sure no one can ever use you like that again. I promise, Bucky."

[nerves_of_ice]

With the moonlight gleaming off the gold of her hair, she looks almost ethereal; angelic, maybe, as she searches his face, as she promises him what's likely to be impossible.

(There's more than one impossible wish here in this moment, and he has to fight to close his eyes against the agony of such hope, not wanting to miss a second.)

"I believe you," he whispers.

[from_the_outside]

"Good."

She's got no idea what he sees when he looks at her like this. Something good, hopefully. The person and agent who are better than she is. The person and agent he seems to think she is. "I told you."

She sits back up so she can reach for his closest hand, curling her warm fingers around it. "This is a rescue. That means I won't stop until you're safe."

[nerves_of_ice]

"You don't have to," he says, and there's something almost aching in his tone. Carefully, he threads his fingers through hers.

"I need you to know that. I'll be okay, if you don't. I will."

[from_the_outside]

"Yeah, you probably would be."

She'd be crazy to think otherwise. He'd been scarily competent even before HYDRA got their hands on him and turned him into the perfect assassin.

But I'll be okay isn't good enough. She sets her free hand on top of the fingers he's linked together. "I'm not doing it because I have to. I want to."

[nerves_of_ice]

His breath stops just for an instant, and he goes very still.

"But I bring you nothing but trouble."

[from_the_outside]

"I mean, you do bring a lot of trouble," she tells him. "But I think that's kind of an oversimplification, and anyway I'd go looking for trouble if it didn't come to me."

She's trying very, very hard to keep her tone light, but just like in the kitchenette in Thessaloniki, she can't take her eyes off his face.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Would you."

He sounds a little amused by that.

[from_the_outside]

"I'm afraid so."

Teasing is easy. So is holding his hand, which is not something she ought to spend a lot of time thinking about, probably. "So really you're doing me a favor."

[nerves_of_ice]

His hand tightens on hers, very slightly.

"You deserve more."

[from_the_outside]

"I don't think I'd go that far," she says, slightly amused and touched at the same time. "I'm hardly a paragon of virtue myself, you know."

She runs the pad of her thumb very lightly over the joint of his. "Besides, you offer plenty more than just trouble."

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head.

"Don't sell yourself short, Sharon."