[AU] there's grief of Want and grief of Cold

[from_the_outside]

She sleeps later than she had the day before – a combination of not having to get up and go to the doctor and exhaustion – and when she comes downstairs, the house is quiet but coffee is already made. After making herself a cup, she pads barefoot to the door and steps out into the crisp mountain morning.

She's unsurprised to see that Bucky is up, and to find Steve's motorcycle gone from the driveway. "Steve head out already?"

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[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky sighs. “It’s been two years,” he says. “I …”

He stops there and takes a long swallow of coffee to loosen the tightness in his throat.

“I was trying to be a person again, is all.”

[from_the_outside]

"Bucky."

He's holding his cup of coffee, but she puts her hand gently on his forearm. "You are a person. You get to be a person. Nothing Zemo did changes that."

There's sympathy in her eyes as she looks at him, and her gaze never wavers.

[nerves_of_ice]

“It doesn’t,” he agrees, and says nothing more. Zemo didn’t put the controls in his head; Zemo didn’t program him. He just used what was already there.

She’s looking at him with sympathy, but at least it’s not pity. Not quite. He can’t hold her gaze, and looks away, out at the trees.

[from_the_outside]

Well, that didn't work. She lifts her hand away and shifts to face the trees, too.





"I don't know how to help you with this," she says, finally. "I'm not good with the delicate stuff. And I know I can't imagine what it's like for you. But you are a person. You make me laugh and you have a terrible sense of humor and you can be an enormous pain in the ass. But you're kind. And thoughtful. Maybe you're trying to figure out who you are, but honestly? Everyone is, to some extent. That's the most person kind of thing there is to do."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I don't know why you keep saying you're not good with -- with things," he tells her, a little exasperated. "You are."

He doesn't want to talk about this, at all, but he doesn't know how to ask her to stop.

"Maybe I am - Bucky Barnes is, I mean. The Winter Soldier isn't. And I'm him. I always will be."

[from_the_outside]

Well, that's true. And she doesn't really know what to say about it other than well, that's true, so she just gives him a faintly wry glance and looks back out at the trees.

(He's wrong, because she obviously is bad at things. She's just making this worse, isn't she?)

"Fair enough."

[nerves_of_ice]

The thread of tension running through his shoulders relaxes when she doesn't push any further.

"Anyway," he says after a long moment, "it's a pretty morning. We should enjoy it while we can."

[from_the_outside]

"Sure."

It is a pretty morning, cool and clear and crisp. She sips at her coffee. "What are your plans?"

[nerves_of_ice]

“Not much,” he says. “I’d like to look around the area a bit.”

[from_the_outside]

"Knock yourself out. Speaking of which –"

She takes another sip of her coffee, then puts her right hand on the railing to lever herself up. "It's time for another dose of woozy pills."

She turns to the door without looking at him, though her tone is perfectly easy. "Try not to get lost. Watch out for bears."

[nerves_of_ice]

“Gee, thanks,” he says, dryly. “Thanks loads.”

Bucky stands up and walks down the steps, then turns to look at her.

“I’ll keep my promise. Just so you know. Get some rest.”

[from_the_outside]

Is she mad at him, or at herself? Or is she just feeling hurt?

And how stupid is any of that? Somewhere in the realm of very to a lot.

Which doesn't make her feel any better, unsurprisingly. "I believe you," she says, and heads inside.

At least once the pill kicks in she won't have to think about it anymore.

[nerves_of_ice]

He watches after her for a moment, then turns toward the trees.

He’d meant what he said, but he’s got to get the lay of the land to know what his options are if worst should come to worst.

Time to get started.

[marvel_npc]

It hadn’t taken her long to figure it out. Steve apparently hadn’t even considered that his phone might be used by a friend. She follows the data to a place near Shenandoah National Park, then stares at it, considering.

Pulling up a property map’s the next step, then cross referencing the parcel to property records. She studies the result in surprise and speculation both.

“Someone’s been keeping secrets,” she murmurs, and sets off for one of the two-person high-speed shuttles.

She sets down in a clearing not far from the main building and starts up the drive. She’s not sure what she’s going to say to Sharon when she gets there, but finding out what her friend’s doing tangled up with the likes of Karpov and why is definitely a top priority.

[from_the_outside]

She falls asleep feeling edgy and unhappy and she wakes up feeling pretty much the same way.

And knowing she shouldn't, which only makes her edgier.

Bucky's probably around somewhere, but honestly she's not sure she's up for another round of completely ruining a conversation, so it might be for the best that somewhere isn't in the main room.

... Still, he's probably not the one knocking at the door. She sighs and pushes herself up off the couch, then gets a glass of water to rinse out her mouth, calling, "One second."

When she gets to the door and opens it, she's distantly pleased that she'd drained the glass and left it on the counter, because otherwise she might have dropped it in surprise and smashed glass all over the floor. "Well, fuck," she says, looking at Natasha Romanoff, standing here on her porch.

"Somebody has really got to tell Steve to secure his phone."

[marvel_npc]

Nat smiles. “Maybe he’ll listen to you after this.” A single beat of silence hangs in the air.

“Hi, Sharon. Going to invite me in?”

[from_the_outside]

Despite herself, she huffs a breath of wry laughter.

(It's been too long.) Standing back, she opens the door and gestures into the house. "Hi, Nat. Would you like to come in?"

[marvel_npc]

“Thanks.” She breezes past Sharon and looks around the entryway, the large open kitchen, the spacious great room.

“Nice place you have here.”

[from_the_outside]

She takes a moment to be thankful that the pill hasn't worn off so much that she can't move fairly normally; Natasha can sense weakness and wrongness the way other people sense warmth or cold. "We like it," she says, and leads the way into the main room.

"Get you anything?"

[marvel_npc]

“Is that coffee I smell?” she asks, deliberately light.

It is, and recently brewed. She watches Sharon carefully, looking for signs of strain or worry.

[from_the_outside]

"It sure is."

The mugs are in the cabinet. Damn. She reaches with her right arm and keeps her left side as relaxed as possible. "Milk, no sugar, right?"

She pours and doctors the mugs, then brings both back into the main room and sits on the other end of the couch. "What brings you all the way down here?"

[marvel_npc]

She laughs at that. “Aren’t you supposed to be in Berlin?”

[from_the_outside]

"Even agents of the Joint Terrorism Task Force take vacation time," she says, amused. "And it's been a while since I've been home."

[marvel_npc]

“Mmm,” she agrees, cradling her coffee in both hands. “It’s quiet here. A nice little getaway for you… and Steve?”

[from_the_outside]

"Well, that does sound pretty nice," she says, and sips at her coffee.

"Is that why you came down? Checking up on me?"