[oom] all those times we looked up at the sky

[from_the_outside]

Karli's on the move; she'll strike soon. Bucky and Sam have been in long, tense conversations with each other and with Torres, and she herself has been keeping an obsessive eye on the tracker blip that is Batroc.

It's a lot. The air in the apartment is tense. But she still has to laugh at the sight that greets her when she walks into the living room: Bucky crouched down, his phone out as he takes a photo of Alpine, who is lounging in lazy grandeur, soaking up a puddle of sunshine.

"That'll be a good one," she approves. "Baby, I've been wondering – what happened to your nice camera? You didn't leave it in Wakanda, did you?"

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's why I was so mad at Sam when he gave up the shield," he admits, muffled, without looking up.

"It was all I had left, and he just ... like it was nothing. Like it meant nothing."

[from_the_outside]

"I get it."

Her voice is low, quiet. She runs her hand over his hair, down over his shoulder and back, and back up again, soothing him as he's soothed her so many times. "I think Sam would, too, now."

Steve had been his friend, too, after all. Maybe his best friend.

[nerves_of_ice]

"He does." When he looks up at her, his eyes are red from weeping, but the certainty he feels about that comes through in his voice.

[from_the_outside]

"Good."

She leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to one sore, swollen eye, then leans her forehead against his. "It's okay," she murmurs. "Whatever you're feeling about it. Toward him. It's okay. It doesn't mean you love him any less. Or that you don't miss him."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I do, you know." Soft, so very soft, but clear. "Love him. Always will. Just like I'll always miss him."

He shakes his head, the smallest motion so as not to dislodge her. "I thought it'd be okay. I understood why he felt he had to go. I couldn't - I couldn't make myself tell him no. I thought, he'd come back in time, eventually, and then we'd... we could... but then he..."

His throat closes up there and he stops talking, trying just to make himself breathe.

[from_the_outside]

"Of course you do."

The sun rises in the east and sets in the west, gravity pulls things toward the center of the Earth and Bucky loves Steve. But that life Steve had stolen for himself, the one he wasn't meant to have lived, stole him from this one not once, but twice. Because where is he now?

She breathes out, trying to keep it even, trying to keep her own anger at a remove. It's difficult to do when she can hear his heart breaking. "You shouldn't have had to lose him again."

[nerves_of_ice]

"He shouldn't have had to lose me either. Twice. Three times, if you count D.C.," Bucky tells her.

"He saw it happen. When Thanos - I felt it happening. It wasn't instant. I felt myself disintegrating, and I called out to warn him, and he turned and saw--"

[from_the_outside]

As he speaks, her old nightmare lifts into her mind's eye. She'd imagined, over and over, seeing it happen to him as she'd seen it happen to so many in Madripoor, hoping to God it had been quick and painless and that he hadn't known what was happening, that maybe somehow he'd escaped the confusion and surprise she'd seen on so many faces before they blew away into dust.

It had been weeks before she knew he'd been taken that day. She can't help how she clutches him, how her own breath comes in rough, rapid gasps, how she shakes as she presses herself against him, reminding herself he's here and alive, not a million pieces scattered to the winds.

There's nothing she could have done if she'd been there. Maybe, in that world, in that timeline, she'd have been caught by the Snap, too. "I'm not saying it wasn't awful," she murmurs, distantly pleased that her voice, at least, is mostly under control. "But he still shouldn't have left."

[nerves_of_ice]

Sharon's breath goes suddenly ragged and she shivers as she clings to him, and in an instant Bucky realizes what he's done with his thoughtless words.

"Shh," he says, shifting to gather her closer. "I'm here. I'm here now. I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry."

[from_the_outside]

She presses her head against his, one hand curving at the back of his head, the other arm locked around his neck. "It took me so long to find out," she says, finally, her voice a bare whisper. "Madripoor was chaos. Everyone out for blood, scrabbling for power. I didn't know – I didn't know, not confirmed, for weeks. And then..."

And then nothing mattered, except the mission. Who cared if she lost herself to Madripoor, to the Power Broker? What did she have left? Nothing. "I didn't want to be in a world that didn't have you in it."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I know," he whispers, holding her close, holding her tight. If he closes his eyes and lets himself, he knows he'll be able to see that sun-bright day by the lake when everything shattered.

"I know, baby."

[from_the_outside]

She couldn't give up and just die, but she'd put herself into reckless situations, maybe hoping that one of them would go wrong and she wouldn't have to be alone in this world without him anymore.

"When everyone came back," she murmurs. "Even... like I was. Being how I was. What Madripoor made me. I was happy to know you were back, too."

Everything that came after doesn't negate that. Not her anger or the misunderstanding. Nothing does.

[nerves_of_ice]

"And now we both are," he murmurs back. "And we're here. Together."

[from_the_outside]

She nods and lets out a shuddering breath, holding him close, then pulls away enough to give him a flickering smile as she curves her hand against his cheek, lightly touching the pad of her thumb to the corner of his poor reddened eye.

"I'm so sorry, baby," she murmurs. "I'm sorry Steve made the call he did. I'm sorry I wasn't here with you so you weren't alone. But you're not alone anymore. And you have family again. You have me."

[nerves_of_ice]

His smile may be small, given everything, but it's slow and warm and sweet.

Bucky leans in to kiss her.

[from_the_outside]

She loves that smile. Just seeing it makes her feel like her heart's started beating again. "Let's get off the floor," she murmurs, and kisses him again, softly. "Come curl up with me."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Okay," he says, just as softly, and pulls back so he can get to his feet and help her up. "I got sidetracked from picking out dinner, too. Sorry."

Once they're standing, he glances over at the camera and hesitates. "Do you want to...?"

He's honestly not sure how he hopes she'll answer.

[from_the_outside]

"It's okay." She's pretty sure they've got leftovers, anyway, and she's not feeling all that hungry.

Following his glance to the camera, she lets go of his hands and moves to pick it up, cradling it carefully. "We could go through it together," she offers, quiet, and looks up at him. "But we don't have to."

[nerves_of_ice]

"There's always pizza." Bucky looks down at the camera in her hands.

"Bring it along, I guess," he says, after a moment. "Hell, it might not even work anymore."

[from_the_outside]

"Maybe not." Especially after she'd dropped it. But she finds herself hoping that it does. That the memory card works, at least, if nothing else.

She shifts the camera in her hands and frowns as she feels a strange bulge, then can't help smiling at what she pulls from one of the side pockets: the little spider-legged stand she'd bought for him, all those years ago, and given as a gift.

Sharon's smiling still, crooked but sweet and real, as she holds it up. "This looks familiar."

[nerves_of_ice]

He chuckles, a little.

"It could do everything but walk."

[from_the_outside]

"Remember when I gave it to you?"

She'd been so pleased with herself. "I knew you'd love it," she adds, more softly, as a small, remembering smile touches her lips.

[nerves_of_ice]

"You knew I wanted the camera, too," he says, as they start back into the living room. "I guess you know me pretty well."

[from_the_outside]

"Mhm," she agrees, and gives him a faintly arch look. "I knew you wanted the camera. And I was pretty sure you wanted me, too."

[nerves_of_ice]

He smiles at her as innocently as he can manage.

"Were you?"