[ Leipzig AU ] forgive my grief for one removed

[from_the_outside]

The cathedral is beautiful. It's filling to the brim with people dressed in black, with flowers, with music. Sharon waits back near the altar, dry-eyed and pale, not a hair out of place as she accepts condolences and murmurs her thank yous.

So many people loved Aunt Peggy. She meant so much, to so many.

Sharon thinks it'll help, eventually, to remember that. Right now it just makes her terribly, terribly sad. So she smiles gently and speaks warmly and keeps her hands clasped before herself, every inch the polite and centered niece, and everyone who leaves her leaves feeling a little comforted in their own grief.

He's here somewhere, she knows: Bucky, up aloft in the bell walkway or the choir loft or crouched like a gargoyle in an alcove somewhere. She can't see him, but she knows he's there, can still feel the way he'd held her when she let him into the hotel room after she arrived.

The organist is playing something lovely and somber, and people are filing into their seats. She takes a last glance at the spot where the coffin will rest, surrounded by flowers, and moves off to the side to wait.

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[nerves_of_ice]

"For not getting in touch earlier. For letting... for being--" His words choke off in his throat and he shakes his head.

"For making you have to look for me for so long."

[marvel_npc]

Abruptly, Steve loses his appetite. He puts down his fork and picks up his glass of water, taking a sip as he tries to figure out what to say.

"I get why you thought it was better to stay away," he says, finally. "I can't say I like it, but I get it. I'm just – "

He swallows hard and reaches to put a hand on his best friend's wrist. "I'm just glad you're okay, Buck. I've been worried about you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I know," he murmurs, not pulling away from Steve's touch. "I've been worried about you too. Kept up with you as best I could through the news, all this time."

[marvel_npc]

Steve smiles, slight. "Oh, yeah?"

He squeezes Bucky's wrist, then lets go and picks his fork back up again, aiming for a light tone. "So, what do you think of my team?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Yeah." A smile flickers, there and gone, but real all the same.

"It's a pretty good one."

[marvel_npc]

"It is."

There's real pride in his voice, though it's tempered a little by the thought of what might happen to the Avengers now.

He supposes that will be a question for after they've completed the mission. "You'd like them. All of them. They're good people."

[nerves_of_ice]

"They seem like it." He stirs his food aimlessly on his plate, then starts eating.

"How's Wanda holding up? With everything?"

[marvel_npc]

"She's a tough kid."

He takes a bite and toys with the next as he thinks about Wanda's face that day in the compound, when Secretary Ross had come to tell them about the Accords. "I should give her a call, check in."

[nerves_of_ice]

"She'd appreciate it, I'm sure. Before news of Zemo leaks," he observes. "If it does." Dryly, he adds, "I make a better scapegoat."

[marvel_npc]

"Well, you're not gonna be one," Steve says, stubbornly.

"And why would you be, anyway? Ross is a reasonable guy. I don't think he'd throw you under the bus and help this Zemo even if he could."

If he tried, he'd have Steve to contend with and a whole host of evidence proving him wrong, so what would be the point? "Don't you see this is good for you? You were framed, and you're helping to find the guy who did it. That's a big point in your favor."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Sharon thought so too," he murmurs. "About Ross, I mean."

He abruptly gets up from the table and goes to start coffee in the small pot by the sink. While it brews, he comes back and sits down again.

"Maybe he is. He probably is. I just ... I'm more suspicious than I used to be, Steve."

[marvel_npc]

"I get it."

Enough, anyway. He can only imagine the kind of thing Bucky's been through, how little trust he'd have left at the end of it. "But you're not alone anymore. You've got me looking out for you, and Sharon – hell, Sam and Nat and Tony and the others. I'm not saying you don't have a right to be suspicious, but maybe, if you give Ross a chance, he'll surprise you."

He watches Bucky, his own blue eyes absolutely earnest. "And if he doesn't, then none of us are going to let them do anything like that to you."

[nerves_of_ice]

He flinches a little at Tony's name. "I don't know," he murmurs. "I just..."

He can't eat. The food sits like a rock in his stomach. Bucky sighs, and gets up again to go get the coffee, pouring them each a cup. He sets one down in front of Steve and retreats to lean against the counter with his own, looking at him over the edge of the mug as he takes a sip.

"Before you throw in behind me, Steve, before you commit your team to doing the same... there's something else you need to know."

[marvel_npc]

Steve, lightly surprised at the coffee set before him, nonetheless lifts the cup to take a sip. It's not like the caffeine will manage to stay in his system long enough to keep him awake, and it's good and hot. "Okay."

He watches Bucky, his glance steady. "Tell me."

It won't change his mind, but whatever it is, it'll probably be good for Bucky to get it off his chest.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Have you ever heard of Project Rebirth?"

He stays very still, watching Steve for any reaction.

[marvel_npc]

Steve frowns, thinking hard, but ultimately shakes his head.

"No. Why?"

[nerves_of_ice]

There's no humor in the bitter flicker of a grimace that touches his mouth, just for a moment.

"You should have. I guess they didn't bother telling you. Why would they? It's what they ended up calling Erskine's experiment, with you. But it didn't end there."

[marvel_npc]

Steve's frown deepens. "What do you mean?"

He supposes it shouldn't surprise him to learn that they tried to continue Erskine's research, or replicate it. And it doesn't, really, though he finds himself wearily disappointed by the whole idea. "How long did it last?"

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky meets his eyes.

"December 16, 1991."

[marvel_npc]

For a second, the date doesn't click, and then –

Steve feels a chill. "The other Soldiers," he realizes. "Project Rebirth managed to recreate a version of the serum? That's how they were made?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods, very slowly. "Five doses," he says. "Five IV bags. All ready to be infused."

"The Winter Soldier program hadn't been successful in their own efforts to recreate it. So my mission was to retrieve the Project Rebirth serum from the courier, leaving no witnesses."

[marvel_npc]

No witnesses. Steve nods, even has his heart aches.

He knows how Natasha feels about her time as an assassin for the KGB and HYDRA. He can only imagine how Bucky feels about having been turned into even more of a mindless weapon. "And the mission was a success," he says, very gently.

"It must have been."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Sanction and extract." Each word is soft, but ruthlessly clear. "I carried out my mission. Steve..."

He takes a large swallow of coffee, trying to wash the tightness from his throat. It doesn't help. He sets it down and braces his hands flat against the counter's cabinets, one on each side of him, then forces himself to meet his best friend's gaze.

"It was Howard."

[marvel_npc]

"It was – "

Howard. His mind reels. Howard.

Memories come unbidden, of standing in Howard's workshop as the man worked on the shield; of missions together and jokes told and a quick brilliance that had always seemed to Steve to be like the difference between a match striking and the immediate, glowing shock of electrical current. "My god," he says, softly.

For a long moment, he thinks he's going to be sick. Only after he's ruthlessly tamped down on his roiling stomach does he realize he's cracked the handle of the coffee mug Bucky had set in front of him. He unwraps his fingers from it, his thoughts all scattered like so much dandelion fluff in a strong spring breeze.

Howard. And Tony has always believed his parents died in a car crash. He knows that, they've talked about it.

His chair grates as he stands, abrupt, and moves around the table, not stopping until he's reached Bucky and can put his arms around his best friend in a crushing embrace, like he might somehow be able to hold him tight enough to go back in time and stop it all. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm so sorry, Bucky."

They made him murder his friend. There isn't a hell deep enough for the people who did this to him.

[nerves_of_ice]

He shudders in Steve's embrace, but his arms go around him and he holds on, tight.

"I didn't know him," he chokes out. "He recognized me, he knew me, and I didn't, I couldn't -- and I killed --"

Bucky's voice cracks and he stops talking for long seconds. Another shudder runs through him as he wrenches himself back under achingly tight control.

"I made it look like an accident," he says, finally. "Car wreck. Took the serum back to - back to the facility. You know the rest. But Tony--"

There's agony in his eyes as he pulls back and looks at Steve. "I couldn't say it. Not in there. Not in front of everyone. But I murdered his parents, Steve. I killed them."