[ Leipzig AU ] forgive my grief for one removed

[from_the_outside]

The cathedral is beautiful. It's filling to the brim with people dressed in black, with flowers, with music. Sharon waits back near the altar, dry-eyed and pale, not a hair out of place as she accepts condolences and murmurs her thank yous.

So many people loved Aunt Peggy. She meant so much, to so many.

Sharon thinks it'll help, eventually, to remember that. Right now it just makes her terribly, terribly sad. So she smiles gently and speaks warmly and keeps her hands clasped before herself, every inch the polite and centered niece, and everyone who leaves her leaves feeling a little comforted in their own grief.

He's here somewhere, she knows: Bucky, up aloft in the bell walkway or the choir loft or crouched like a gargoyle in an alcove somewhere. She can't see him, but she knows he's there, can still feel the way he'd held her when she let him into the hotel room after she arrived.

The organist is playing something lovely and somber, and people are filing into their seats. She takes a last glance at the spot where the coffin will rest, surrounded by flowers, and moves off to the side to wait.

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[nerves_of_ice]

It's been a while since anyone's been in the old walkways behind the stained glass windows. From the amount of dust and pigeon droppings, Bucky's pretty sure that most people have forgotten they even exist.

He jams the door locks to be sure and finds a place where he can see through a bit of clear glass without being observed. The cathedral's nave is filling with people here to honor and remember Peggy Carter, and he's glad to see it. She deserves every bit of it.

Sharon's pale and quiet and composed up near the front. There's nothing he can do for her now, but hopefully the fact that she knows he's here at all will help.

He just wishes he could give Steve some kind of comfort, too.

[marvel_npc]

They're waiting just outside the church when the music starts. The boys' choir is doing a great job, Steve thinks - they sound almost angelic, which is probably the goal. He can't quite remember who they'd been told the composer is, not that it really matters, but it's easier to try to focus on a detail like that than on the weight of the casket on his left shoulder or on the fact that Peggy's gone, this time forever.

(Faurè, he recalls, his mind offering it up without him wanting it to.)

The funeral director or whatever he is gives them the nod, and they start forward into the cathedral. It's crowded, but every face is a blur to him. Steve locks his grief deep inside and focuses on keeping his hold steady and staying in step with the others, carrying Peggy forward toward the spray of white flowers at the front, bearing her toward her well-deserved rest.

[from_the_outside]

She's seated with some distant family near the front of the cathedral, close to the altar so she can slip away, back behind the pulpit, without drawing attention.

She could have stayed back there, but she wanted to stand and pay one last respect as the pallbearers slowly bring Aunt Peggy forward. The coffin is beautifully draped in the flag and covered in white flowers; the music is ethereal and gorgeous.

Full military honors. Nothing but the best for Margaret Carter.

Solemnly, the men bring her forward; carefully, they set her down before the altar. Sharon can see white handkerchiefs lifting to dot at noses and eyes; she can hear people sniffling.

Steve is pale and stoic, his face set and his eyes solemn and sad as he takes his seat in one of the first pews, Sam Wilson beside him.

The priest begins the prayers, and Sharon murmurs along with them, then quietly gets up and goes to the ornately carved door that leads to the passage behind the altar.

She's been over these words so many times in the last day or so. She can only hope she does them justice now.

[marvel_npc]

His shoulders don't feel right in his jacket. He knows it's an illusion, but it doesn't matter. Steve has to keep himself from trying to shrug his left shoulder, trying to feel a weight that isn't there any longer.

He sits in the pew, staring down at the back of the one in front of him, trying to come to grips with a world without Peggy in it and bracing himself to hear whatever it is they're going to say about her. Sam's nudge comes as a surprise. He looks up at him and then follows the other man's nod to see the woman he'd once known as Kate and now knows as Sharon approaching the microphone. Steve stares at her in blank surprise. She's a SHIELD agent, or was, he knows that, but why -- ?

[from_the_outside]

"... would like to invite Sharon Carter to say a few words."

She hears the priest as if in a dream; dreamlike, she climbs the steps to the pulpit and looks out over the nave, filled with people who all look to her as one.

Except Steve Rogers, lost in his own thoughts. She sees Sam Wilson nudge him, sees Steve glance at his friend and then up, sees the surprise fading to confusion in his sad blue eyes.

She exhales, a little shakily, and manages to catch herself before she glances up at the ceiling. "Margaret Carter was known to most as a founder of SHIELD," she begins, her voice clear in the quiet cathedral.

Her glance tracks back to Steve, understanding in her eyes, but no apology.

She's not sorry she never told him. She's only sorry he had to find out this way. "But I just knew her as Aunt Peggy."

[nerves_of_ice]

He can hear every word with perfect clarity. The rest of the people in the cathedral might as well not exist. He watches Sharon stand before them all, watches as Steve looks up at her. Even though he only has a side angle view of Steve, he can see the shock in the way he holds himself, followed by the way he straightens in his seat and sets his jaw. Bucky sighs, his heart hurting for them both.

[from_the_outside]

"She had a photograph in her office," she continues, and finds herself smiling at the memory even as her heart aches in her chest. "Aunt Peggy standing next to JFK. As a kid, that was pretty cool."

There's a few gentle smiles and chuckles as everyone in the church either thinks of the photo she means or remembers a time when they, too, felt that Peggy Carter was the single coolest, most interesting person they'd ever met. "But it was a lot to live up to."

She'd promised herself she wouldn't make this eulogy about one man, even a man as important as Steve Rogers. It's about Aunt Peggy, and her life, and her impact, and Steve – as important a chapter as he was – was still only a small part of that life.

But she finds herself looking to him, anyway. "Which is why I never told anyone we were related."

[marvel_npc]

It sinks through the surprise, through the hurt and betrayal that he tells himself he has no right to feel, and forms a quiet space for understanding deep inside.

She’d known how he’d react, Steve realizes, and had acted to do what she could to explain, even at a time like this. It’s a kindness that she didn’t have to give, and he appreciates it. Some of the tension in him relaxes, and he settles himself to listen with his full attention.

[from_the_outside]

She glances back out over the congregation, all these people here for Aunt Peggy, but it was enough; he understood. "I asked her once how she managed to master diplomacy and espionage in a time when no one wanted to see a woman succeed at either."

This isn't the draft she'd worked on while Bucky was there; it's one she'd written after he'd left, thinking over everything they'd talked about.

She still can't speak out; not directly. All she can do is offer a message to the people who need it most. "She said: compromise where you can. But where you can't..."

Her glance goes back to Steve. "Don't."

Even as she lifts her voice to everyone else, as she looks back over the crowd, she's speaking to him. "Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move."

Her dark eyes turn back to Steve, and now she feels as though he's the only other person in this enormous church, as though she's speaking to him from only a few inches away. She's lived by this advice, built her career on it, made her own name for herself through it.

She can only hope it helps him as much as it's helped her.

"It is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye, and say, no. You move."

[marvel_npc]

Each word sinks in like water in a parched desert. Steve can almost hear Peggy's crisp tones echoing with and through Sharon's, just as if she were standing right there beside her, the message relayed from them both.

Did Sharon know how much he needed to hear this, especially now? He's not sure, but sudden resolve steels him. He'll find her afterwards, to talk, if she'll let him. He wants to know more.

[nerves_of_ice]

Light flows through the stained glass of the cathedral. It makes everything look just a little bit more real, somehow, but also as though they're all in the middle of a dream.

Bucky feels like it's a dream, at least, stunned and staring as Sharon speaks. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right.

Silently, he breathes a thank-you, and continues to listen and watch with every fiber of his being.

[from_the_outside]

Sharon keeps her expression calm and warm, smiling very slightly as she looks out over the gathering of people in black.

Steve isn't the only one who heard her message, she can tell. A few of the higher-ups in the next few pews over murmur something to each other, and she wonders if Ross will be getting a call about her.

Fuck it. "We spent some of our best time together these last few years," she tells everyone. "I asked her, out of all her achievements, which she was most proud of."

She can't help smiling at this memory, even as grief eats at her from the inside out. "She patted my hand, smiled, and said: 'Dear, I'm afraid that's classified.'"

[nerves_of_ice]

The ripple of laughter that runs through the crowd would cover his own soft chuckle, even if any sound had escaped the dusty walkway where he’s perched.

He can just see it, the sharp-edged humor of Peggy Carter’s wit mixed with the mischief that she’d occasionally let show. God, he wishes he’d had a chance to see her again, but it’s likely for the best that he didn’t. Even if not, it’s what is, and there’s no changing it.

[from_the_outside]

She smiles as a soft susurrus of laughter runs through the crowd and everyone relaxes, ready to hear some sweet or funny stories. "Many of Aunt Peggy's accomplishments remain classified," she says, "but that didn't stop her from leaving her mark on the world. You all know the story of how she – and a few equally stubborn friends – founded SHIELD. And it's a good one."

Sharon casts a smiling glance around. "So let me tell you some you might not have heard before: about who she was outside the office, out of uniform."

The problem with writing this eulogy hadn't been that she'd had no idea what to say: it was that there is so much. How impossible, to try and fit everything Peggy Carter was to her, to all these people, into one short speech.

But she tries. She tells them about shadowing Aunt Peggy at the office, about the whirlwind trips they used to take. SHIELD was Aunt Peggy's great accomplishment, but it wasn't the only one by any means. She has a few funny stories and a few sweet ones, and people are chuckling and crying by turns as they, too, remember the good times.

[marvel_npc]

It helps, to hear the way people react, the chuckles and sniffles alike as they all listen and remember. Peggy was loved by so many, himself included. It helps, to hear about the joy in her life in addition to the rest.

Sam’s paying close attention, he notices, but not without the occasional glance for Steve. He manages a slight smile in response, hoping to reassure him, and it feels right.

[from_the_outside]

It's not fair to have to pick and choose what to say about Aunt Peggy, but she's done her best. After recounting a particularly delightful tidbit about how Aunt Peggy had run off to join the Army in the first place, she glances down at the few notes left.

"There was never anyone else quite like her. She touched so many lives; and not just everyone in this church right now. The whole world is a better place because of her and her work and her life and how fiercely she loved and fought; how tirelessly she worked."

There are a few more sentences, but she looks up, away from them, and speaks plainly, like she's speaking to an intimate friend instead of a church filled with people. "She was my hero. And I know she'd say all this is too much fuss, that she had a wonderful, rich life. So when you leave today, I hope you'll celebrate her in some small way... like by finding a rule to break or a bully to punch."

A small ripple of laughter makes her smile, very slightly, before she looks to the coffin, the white flowers heaped upon it. "Know your worth," she murmurs, though it carries in the quiet cathedral. "And remember hers."

Coming back to herself, she gives a nod to the priest and steps down and away to let the rest of the ceremony wash over her in a welcome reprieve.

[nerves_of_ice]

It's a good send-off, as these things go. There's worse than to have been loved so deeply, to be mourned so fiercely, and at least those to whom Peggy Carter mattered can find comfort in each other.

Bucky stays still and quiet in his perch above as the priest leads the ceremony forward. Most of his attention's on Steve, Sam Wilson at his side; on Sharon, up at the front, so quiet and still and strong. He spends part of the time apologizing to Peggy for the things he feels he needs to, and promising her ghost to do his best from this point forward.

[from_the_outside]

With London traffic, there's a delay between the service and burial, and Sharon takes the time to meet briefly with the priest and funeral director, along with the many other mourners who want to take a moment to share a memory of their own.

She sees Steve talking quietly with Sam Wilson, apparently asking for a moment, then loses track of him in the stream of black-garbed mourners that moves from cathedral to their cars – or to the pub across the street for a quick pint while everything else gets organized.

Sharon's been fielding question about the service and burial and the delay for ten minutes and fully in problem-solving mode – so she turns adroitly at a tap on her shoulder, only to blink in surprise at who it is.

"So," drawls Sam Wilson. "It's Sharon Carter, huh?"

She huffs a wry breath that's almost a laugh. "Sam Wilson," she says. "Or is it Falcon, these days?"

"Looking like it'll be mostly just 'Sam,'" he says, and tips his head towards a quiet corner. "You look like you could use a minute to breathe. C'mon."

[nerves_of_ice]

Slowly but surely, people begin to file out of the church, moving in ones and twos. Bucky's settled in for the duration, fully prepared to wait until the last mourner departs. That's the best option; the one that gives him the best chance of going completely unobserved. He just needs to be back at the hotel before Sharon returns, and that'll be a while yet.

It means that for a moment, it's just him and Steve left behind, and he can almost feel the ache of his best friend's grief weighing him down like stone. He starts to shift, to do what he doesn't quite know, only to go perfectly still as he sees Natasha come inside and down the aisle to Steve.

Natalia Alianovna. He hasn't seen her since D.C., and hadn't known her then, just as he hadn't known Steve. Whatever she says to him is too quiet for him to fully overhear, the same as Steve's response, but he catches a few words, enough to get the idea. A quiet understanding washes over him, along with warm fondness as she tells Steve she didn't want him to be alone and reaches up to hug him. She's always looking out for others in her own way, he knows - better than most.

Be well, he whispers after her as they eventually leave - after them both, really, but in this moment focused on Natasha. Be well, be careful, be safe, lisichka.

[from_the_outside]

A moment's about all she gets, but she's grateful to Sam, for the mild conversation she doesn't have to think too hard about and the kindness he shows. As much as she isn't here alone, she also is, and his quiet understanding and warmth is a balm.

The rest of the service goes with military precision: the flag, the salute, the burial, the prayer. She lingers a little while at the graveside, but not too long –

She has a task to complete. Aunt Peggy would understand.

She'll come back a little later, say her goodbyes in the privacy that she's craved all day.

[marvel_npc]

He catches up with Sam again after seeing Nat off, at the gathering afterward, where everyone's gone to share a drink and a memory or two. The other man clinks a glass against Steve's own. "Here's to an honorable discharge," Sam drawls.

"Sure you're okay with this?" he asks. He can't not. He knows Sam's following his lead, at least in part.

"No need to worry about me, I make a great civilian," Sam assures him. He tips his head in a small nod and looks across the room. Steve follows his glance, spotting Sharon there, talking to a few other people. "You could, too," Sam murmurs.

He doesn't think it's quite like that, but he does want to talk to her. "Excuse me," Steve tells him, and Sam grips his shoulder for a second. "Go on. I'll be around."

Steve catches Sharon's eye before he gets all the way across the room, just in case his presence is unwanted.

[from_the_outside]

She'd noticed him and Sam talking, felt their gaze on her, and she'd smiled over at him when she'd turned to see him looking her way.

Now, she excuses herself from the mourners chatting with her; they murmur their farewells and wander off into the crowd. She hasn't had a chance to get a drink yet; her hands are full of her coat as she turns to face Steve, that same half-smile playing about her lips as she shakes her hair back out of her face and looks up at him. "Captain," she greets him, remembering the way he'd stalked past her in the halls of the Triskelion.

He looks so serious. He often does, but this time there's the weight of grief added to the mix. "Thank you for coming."

[marvel_npc]

"Steve," he tells her. "And of course." He searches her expression. Whatever else she may be or has been, she's lost someone important to her, so the first thing he asks is, "Are you holding up okay?"

[from_the_outside]

"Steve," she says, softly, and takes a breath, looking around at the milling crowd. "Well, I could use a drink and a nap, but – "

He's so sincere she can't keep up with the mild teasing. Her smile crooks again and she shrugs. "It'll be a while before it all sinks in, I think. I keep wanting to call her to tell her how it went."

[marvel_npc]

"She'd have a lot to say about it," he agrees. "And I can't do anything about a nap, but I could get you a drink."