[oom] you don't need to save me, but would you run away with me? // Part 2

[from_the_outside]

It's a long, long week. 

All the weeks here are long. She's been exhausted since she first arrived, and it hasn't gotten any easier – she's just gotten used to it.

What she isn't used to is watching what it does to Bucky.

He keeps busy, vanishing shortly after breakfast and not reappearing until well after dark, sometimes not until close to midnight. That doesn't mean she doesn't have eyes on him – she has eyes everywhere in this city. Some of what he gets up to he tells her about. Some of it she sees or hears about.

Some she only pieces together after the fact.

For example:

Four days into his stay she sees a flurry of alerts and messages about a gang of thugs that had decided to tangle with him in a Lowtown market. The videos of him throwing them into plate glass windows and walls and storefront doors travel through Madripoor like wildfire.

And then there are the rumors. It's public knowledge he killed Cade and that he's been seen with the art dealer: what no one knows is why, and the whispers grow steadily more frenetic as the week rolls on. The general consensus seems to be that the art dealer had Cade disposed of in order to help her own climb to power. More than one person attempts to contract him for help with an unsolvable problem. No one manages to hire him. No one seems to know what he wants.

Worse is that as the power dynamic between those on the lower rung vying for Selby's position fluctuates, he deliberately allows himself to be seen more often, delves more deeply into Madripoor's seedy shadows. She doesn't understand until her security catches a would-be assassin she saw coming a mile away, and then she realizes: his involvement with her, with Cade, has painted a target on her back.

So he's decided to paint a larger one on his own.

He loses weight. She pushes breakfast and dinner at him, but he eats mechanically, hardly seems to notice. The lines drawn on his face seem carved into rock. He stops smiling except occasionally when they're alone in the middle of the night, or when his phone pings with a text from Sam.

On the fifth night, he stops sleeping. 

He wakes up from a nightmare he refuses to talk about, and for the next few days she doesn't see him sleep at all. He's catching catnaps like he used to back in the Winter Soldier days, she thinks, but she's not sure. Every day he's a little quieter, a little more grim.

Which is why it's so strange that her apartment is completely filled with flowers.

Everywhere she looks now, there they are: large, expensive bouquets in fancy vases on nearly every available surface. He's had one delivered every single day, and every day she hates herself a little more for bringing him here. Every day he tells her come home with me.

Every day she tells him I can't. And he looks at her with those determined, weary eyes, and her heart breaks a little more.

It's a little over a week after he'd first arrived that she's hosting clients again. The party hasn't even started, and she already wishes she had a drink.

(There weren't any flowers today. She wonders if that's a sign.)

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

"You're welcome." He curls his fingers around hers. "It was the least I could do."

[from_the_outside]

"It was a lot more than a lot of other people would have done," she tells him, and lifts his hand to kiss it before setting it back down again and going back to her list.

"Um...'get some new clothes.'"

She is sick to death of wearing all black all the time.

[nerves_of_ice]

He grins at that.

"New York's good for shopping."

[from_the_outside]

"That much I do know," she agrees, pointing the pen at him with a smile.

"Even though I guess it'll pretty much have to be online shopping until these first few things get crossed off."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Maybe for a little while, but not for too long," he reassures her. "I can bring stuff in, too."

[from_the_outside]

"I'm sure you'll have better things to do than play courier for me," she tells him. "Though it's very sweet of you to offer."

She looks back at the list, tapping the pen thoughtfully. "Am I missing anything?"

[nerves_of_ice]

Something complicated crosses his expression at that reminder, and he scrubs his hand over the back of his neck before he lets it drop.

"Yeah, well, I can still help out."

Bucky looks thoughtfully down at her list.

"Nothing's coming to me now. But we can always add more as we think of it."

[from_the_outside]

She gives him an inquisitive look as she closes the notebook for the moment and lays the pen down to take another bite of dinner.

"Something on your mind?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Nothing new," he says. "Just what you said reminded me of some things I've got to do."

Do the work, he hears Sam say, and a small, rueful smile quirks the corner of his mouth. Start with one.

"Things I've got to work on."

[from_the_outside]

"Yeah?"

She finishes her meal and pushes the plate away, then sips at her champagne. "Anything I can help with?"

From inside the apartment, anyway.

[nerves_of_ice]

He starts to shake his head, then hesitates.

"I don't know. I don't... I don't think so." Bucky meets her eyes, and although the look in his now is more tired than before, it's somehow also accepting.

"I think it's something I have to do. To... give people closure."

[from_the_outside]

She finishes her champagne and listens, studying the look in his eyes. Not dread; trepidation, maybe.

To give people closure. She thinks back to so many conversations back in Wakanda, and flips the notebook back open to the pages with his handwriting. To the list of names. "These people?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He taps the right-hand page. "These people especially. Those others," he adds, nodding at the opposite page, "are something different."

"But these... these are people I hurt. As the Winter Soldier."

[from_the_outside]

She nods, her thumb smoothing over the list of names before she closes the book and offers it back to him.

"You're right. I probably can't help with it. Not with the closure part, anyway." Her smile is very sweet as she reaches for his hand. "But I'll be there to help you. If you want."

To talk, or not talk if that's what he needs. To help him plan. To be there when he gets back.

It's all possible now.

[nerves_of_ice]

He smiles back, and closes his fingers around hers. "I'd like that."

[from_the_outside]

"Me too."

She thinks of how alone he's been for the last six months and has to quell a spark of fury in her chest. There's no one to be angry with but herself, and there's nothing she can do to get those six months or her six years back. There's only forward.

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky draws her hand to his lips and kisses her palm, then cradles her hand against his cheek for a moment before he lets go and gets to his feet.

"I better go check the instruments. I mean, I'd hear if the alarms were going off, but it's a good idea to keep an eye on things."

[from_the_outside]

"Good idea," she says, grinning. "Gotta get back to Brooklyn in one piece to make any of these plans happen."

They will, she knows. Her trust in him is absolute. In the meantime, she gets up and clears the dishes, scraping them into a trash bag and sliding them into the little sanitizer before she gets the open bottle of champagne and refills her flute before she wanders along the body of the jet, poking into every nook and cranny she can find.

[nerves_of_ice]

It's quiet on the radar and on the radio, for the most part. There's a little scattered chatter, which he figures is coming from the couple of planes whose light he can see in the far distance. They're not on any sort of trajectory that he has to worry about, so he doesn't bother saying anything.

Eventually, having confirmed that all's well and looking to stay that way, he gets up and walks back toward the cabin, leaning against the wall and watching Sharon explore.

[from_the_outside]

"This thing is great," she tells him, when she looks back and sees him leaning there. "It's got a DVD player and everything – although, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure I don't have any interest in whatever movies Zemo might have left onboard."

Honestly, he didn't strike her as much of a 'movie' guy, anyway. "How we doing? Skies clear?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He makes a face at the idea of watching something that appealed to Zemo, then nods to her. "There are a couple of fellow travelers," he drawls, "but no one we need to worry about. It's a big sky and they're not headed our way."

[from_the_outside]

"Good."

She walks back towards him, setting the champagne flute down on the table as she goes, and puts her arms around his waist, leaning back a little to smile up at him. This giddiness will fade eventually – it's a long flight – but until it does, she's going to ride it for all it's worth.

It's been a long, long six years without hope. "How're you feeling? Good?" She studies his face, the weary lines drawn there. "Tired?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Good," he confirms, as he turns to put his back fully against the wall and slides his arms around her in turn. "Not that tired. It might be worth seeing if there's coffee in stock at some point, but I'm good to get us home."

[from_the_outside]

"Pretty sure I saw a few packets of pre-ground in the galley," she tells him. "I'll make some in a bit. It won't be as good as Sarah's, but it'll be caffeinated."

She already knows she's not going to be able to stay up the whole flight. Neither of them have slept well the last few nights, and she's still healing from the poison she'd inhaled, and frankly? She doesn't have super soldier serum running through her system to keep her going. At some point, she'll have to try to sleep.

But not yet. "I can come keep you company in the cockpit, if you want to keep an eye on things."

[nerves_of_ice]

His smile is slow and sweet as he leans down and kisses her.

"Come on up. The view's amazing."