[ WWII AU ] a ghost story

[from_the_outside]

It's been almost two years since she's been home, and little by little, the grief has gotten easier to live with.

It hasn't gone away. But she's able to focus on her job, watch movies, chat with friends, sleep most nights. She still dreams about him, but the dreams are tinged with wistful longing and only sometimes does she wake up with tears on her cheeks. She can't have his picture out in this apartment, Kate's apartment, but it's safe in the mountain house, along with his last letter to her, and she has a scan on her phone to look at when the long day is over and she's in bed, the stars from the lamp he'd given her filling her dark room.

Steve has helped, more than she could ever explain, and she hopes she's helped him in return. Aside from a few deeply classified missions here and there, they haven't worked together all that much, but she still sees him almost every day. In the halls, she's undercover as his mild-mannered neighbor, Kate, but in her secure apartment they can talk over anything, everything.

And it works. Every day is a little easier. They lean on each other when they need to, and they spend hours remembering and reminiscing about Bucky, talking shop, chatting about how Steve's fitting into the future. It's nice. She still misses Bucky, an ache that never really goes away, but they can both breathe through it, work through it, live through it.

She's on her way up from the basement laundry machines when she hears a familiar step in the hall, and has to smile to herself – first her own, then Kate's sweeter, more open one. "Hey, neighbor."

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[from_the_outside]

When they reach the door of the guest room where Bucky had been staying, she draws to a halt with him and looks up into his face.

"Please try to get some sleep," she murmurs. "And I will, too."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I'll try." It's all he can commit to. Maybe if nothing else he can curl up in the corner and doze.

"Sleep well, Sharon."

[from_the_outside]

"You too."

There's a second where she considers, before she lifts up to kiss his cheek. "Goodnight, Bucky."

[nerves_of_ice]

As she goes back down from her tiptoes, he lifts his right hand - slowly, deliberately, so that she can see and won't be surprised.

Bucky brushes her hair back over her shoulder, cups his hand over the nape of her neck, and hesitates there, studying her.

[from_the_outside]

His fingers brush over her skin, through her hair, and she shivers again but doesn't pull away. Instead, she breathes, and gives him a small smile as her own hands go to his sides.

[nerves_of_ice]

He leans down, maybe testing her, maybe testing himself, and presses a light, gentle kiss to her lips.

[from_the_outside]

She breathes in, sharp, as her heart stutters, and then her hands firm at his sides and she pushes up to kiss him back, sweet and wanting, as everything she's feeling rolls over her in a wave.

[nerves_of_ice]

He'd meant it as a benison, or at least he thinks he had, right before he stops thinking at all.

Bucky falls into the kiss and lingers there, drowning in her.

[from_the_outside]

His lips, his breath, the feel of his hand at the nape of her neck; it all transports her two years and seven decades ago, back to that very last morning, back to the night before. As if she could go back in time and stop him from going on that mission, her hands come up, cradle his head, her fingers threading through his hair as she kisses him again. Her heart is hammering so hard she's dizzy with it, trembling from the force of everything she's feeling, everything she's holding back.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Sharon," he whispers between kisses, overwhelmed and humbled by her trust, her emotion. "Sharon."

Bucky tips his head forward when the next kiss breaks, resting his forehead against hers.

[from_the_outside]

"Bucky." He breaks their kisses and everything in her cries out for more, for him, for everything she's been missing and mourning for two years. She runs her fingers through his hair and cradles his head again, trying to catch her breath.

It's made that much harder by the way her chest is cracking open and her heart is aching.

[nerves_of_ice]

His breath shudders in as a shiver runs through him, but manages not to move either toward her or away. "Sharon."

[from_the_outside]

"I loved you more than I've ever loved anyone." It comes spilling out of her like she's lancing a wound, as her fingers shiver in his hair and she tries to catch her own shaking breath. "I still love you. And I know you don't – you don't remember, and things are all in pieces. I'm not telling you because I need you to – expect you to – feel the way you used to, okay?"

She breathes deep and looks at him, her forehead still pressed against his. "I'm giving it to you. It's yours. No matter what else happens or doesn't happen. Just – I just want you to know that. And I won't give up on you."

[nerves_of_ice]

Her confession washes over him like a tidal wave, knocking every support loose and leaving him spinning, at a momentary loss for words.

"Angel." His whisper is barely audible, raw in his throat. "I don't deserve you."

[from_the_outside]

"That is not true." She swallows hard, shaking her head. "It's not true. And don't put me up on a pedestal, Bucky, I've got clay feet like anyone else. But you, you deserve so much more than what the world gave you, baby, I'm so sorry. I wanted you to have a good life, a whole life, even if it was without me."

She blinks hard, the grief and pain and guilt and regret of two years rising up in her chest. "I'm so mad that was stolen from you. I'm going to do everything I can to try and get even a fraction of it back for you."

[nerves_of_ice]

This time he does move, desperately afraid that he'll do something wrong and set her spiraling again, but he can't not try. He takes a small step forward, just enough to wrap both arms gently around her and draw her into his embrace.

"You already did," he breathes.

[from_the_outside]

She puts her arms around him and presses her forehead into the curve of his neck and shoulder.

"Then I'm going to get you more," she murmurs. "Fucking watch me, Barnes."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I believe you." He does, and it gives him cause to worry about her and Steve both, but that's something best dealt with in the clear light of day. For now, he holds her close.

[from_the_outside]

"Good." Her fingers grip into his shirt, but she has to try to let go. For his sake. For her sake. Doesn't she?

"Weren't we saying goodnight?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"We were." He presses a gentle kiss to her hair, then pulls back and looks down at her. "You need sleep."

[from_the_outside]

"I know."

Stay with me batters at the back of her teeth, but she swallows it. He needs sleep, too, and if he couldn't even manage it with Steve in the room, she doubts he could with her there.

They'll have time. She has to believe that. Whatever it brings. She breathes deep and just a little shaky and looks back up at him. "Then goodnight. Again."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Good night," he murmurs. "Again. Get some rest, angel."

He loosens his hold enough that she can step away from him, but doesn't move.

[from_the_outside]

Angel shivers through her, sweet and wistful, and she takes a deep breath. "You too, sweetheart."

She can't resist, leans up to give him one last gentle kiss, then steps away before either of them can lose themselves in it again. "I'll see you in the morning."

[nerves_of_ice]

"See you in the morning," he murmurs, and finally takes a step back toward the door of the room he's borrowed. He makes himself go inside and close the door, then leans against it and stares into space, trying to absorb everything this day's held.

[from_the_outside]

Her room feels strange, too small and too large and too silent all at once, and it's all she can do to keep from going back down the hall to knock on Bucky's door.

Instead, she lights the little lamp and takes off her robe, then gets back into bed and turns onto her side to look at his picture, smiling back at her. "Good night," she murmurs, again, before rolling over and doing her best to sleep.