[ Leipzig AU ] forgive my grief for one removed

[from_the_outside]

The cathedral is beautiful. It's filling to the brim with people dressed in black, with flowers, with music. Sharon waits back near the altar, dry-eyed and pale, not a hair out of place as she accepts condolences and murmurs her thank yous.

So many people loved Aunt Peggy. She meant so much, to so many.

Sharon thinks it'll help, eventually, to remember that. Right now it just makes her terribly, terribly sad. So she smiles gently and speaks warmly and keeps her hands clasped before herself, every inch the polite and centered niece, and everyone who leaves her leaves feeling a little comforted in their own grief.

He's here somewhere, she knows: Bucky, up aloft in the bell walkway or the choir loft or crouched like a gargoyle in an alcove somewhere. She can't see him, but she knows he's there, can still feel the way he'd held her when she let him into the hotel room after she arrived.

The organist is playing something lovely and somber, and people are filing into their seats. She takes a last glance at the spot where the coffin will rest, surrounded by flowers, and moves off to the side to wait.

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[from_the_outside]

"Just send me the flight information," Sharon tells Ross. "We'll get on our way to the plane as soon as we've collected all the necessary gear. Tell the team to expect me and Captain Rogers in Vienna; I can start coordinating via phone until we land."

[marvel_npc]

"It'll be on your phone in five or I'll know the reason why," Ross tells her. "And, Carter--"

Video screens are shit for pointed looks, but he does his best to give her one anyway.

"-- you and I have some things to talk about when this is all over. Be thinking about what you want to tell me."

[from_the_outside]

"Copy that, sir," she says, wry. "I'll be in touch."

[nerves_of_ice]

Ross disconnects the call, and an awkward silence falls over the room. Bucky holds himself perfectly still, glancing back and forth between the others.

[from_the_outside]

She's pretty damn sure she'll be writing up her letter of resignation before the day is over... but not yet.

"Guess I'd better go get changed and pack," she says, breaking the silence. She glances at Sam. "Would you get Steve's stuff with yours?"

Tipping her head towards Steve and Bucky, she smiles, crooked and very slight. "Give them a minute before we have to head out."

[nerves_of_ice]

"No problem," Sam says. Steve looks at him, and he moves forward to grip his shoulder for a moment. "I got this," he murmurs. "I got you. Stay here with him. I'll be back before you know it."

Bucky starts to think that he could maybe get to like this guy after all, when Wilson turns to him. "And you, Tin Man, stick around this time, you hear?"

Bucky just glares at him, then looks away.

[from_the_outside]

"Fine," she says, and casts a last, shuttered glance at Bucky and Steve. "Then let's get ready to move."

So saying, she heads into the bedroom of the suite and softly closes the door behind herself, but doesn't go to get changed right away.

Instead, she leans back against the door and closes her eyes, knocking her head very lightly against the wood. "Fix this," she murmurs. "Fix it, Carter."

[nerves_of_ice]

Silence falls over the room again as one door shuts behind Wilson, the other behind Sharon.

He's not sure what to do. Bucky stares at Steve, at a complete loss for words.

[marvel_npc]

Steve stares back at him, shaking his head very slightly.

The last half hour feels like a dream. "So... " he starts, and isn't sure where to go from there. There are so many questions beating at the backs of his teeth.

"How did you – why did you – "

The words choke him as they try to leave his throat. Had Sharon known how to contact him all along? Was that a lie, too? Another one? "Where have you been?"

[nerves_of_ice]

The last question's the easiest by far. He can guess at what Steve started to ask, but he doesn't - he can't be wrong. "On the move, for the most part. Europe, for the past several months."

He breathes, careful and slow. "I don't know how much time we have, but... I'll tell you anything, Steve. Anything you want to know."

[marvel_npc]

He can't stay still, just staring at Bucky, drinking in his familiar features and the unfamiliar weary sorrow that seems etched into them. He starts pacing, in fits and starts, taking a few steps and stopping to watch Bucky, then moving again.

"Why are you here?" finally bursts from him. "I don't mean – I know you would have wanted to say goodbye to Peggy, if you could. But why where you – "

He gestures around the room. "Was Sharon taking me back to see you? Is that why she talked to me after the funeral?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"I was at the funeral," Bucky tells him. In contrast to Steve's restless motion, he's almost unnaturally still. "Hidden in the bell tower pathways."

He shakes his head. "I think she'd have talked to you anyway, because of Peggy. Because you're you. But yeah. I asked her to help me find a way to see you."

[marvel_npc]

"You could have contacted me directly," Steve argues, his voice raising.

"Why go through Sharon? Why all the smoke and dagger? I've been looking for you!"

[nerves_of_ice]

"I'm sorry," he says, helplessly. Guilt tears at him with knife-sharp claws, and there's nothing he can do about it.

Steve's right. He's done everything wrong.

"I'm sorry. I know you have. I couldn't - I thought I couldn't - I didn't dare -- I'm sorry."

[marvel_npc]

Steve runs a hand distractedly through his hair.

"You're okay?" he asks, finally. "You're... you again?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"I'm not under HYDRA's control," he says, low and unsteady. "Not anymore. And as long as they don't get their hands on me again, I won't be."

He draws a shaking breath. "It's why - it's why I didn't. Why I left. I couldn't risk you, Steve. I think it'd have killed me if I hurt you again."

[marvel_npc]

"You're not gonna hurt me again."

He says it with all the bone-deep conviction he feels. "I've got you back again. And I'm not letting you go this time, pal."

[nerves_of_ice]

He swallows, hard. "I thought - I thought I could help. Somehow. But I've just made things worse, haven't I? I'm sorry. I've done this all wrong. I'm sorry."

[marvel_npc]

"Hey."

This misery, the anger and worry, none of it is what he wants to be feeling right now. He doesn't want the guilt that's lurking behind Bucky's eyes; he doesn't want this distance between them.

So he closes it, until he's close enough to put his arms around his best friend in a crushing hug. "It doesn't matter," he says, rough. "I just wanted you back."

[nerves_of_ice]

His arms go around Steve in turn, both metal and flesh, before he can even think about it. "I'm here," he rasps. "Jesus, Steve, I missed you."

[marvel_npc]

"I missed you too."

It's barely audible as he clutches Bucky, as his eyes squeeze shut, his fingers digging into his best friend's back and shoulder. "I couldn't believe it – you were alive. After all these years. I'm sorry, Buck. I'm sorry. I should have found you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Don't," he murmurs, without loosening his hold. "Don't. You couldn't have known. There's no way. It's not your fault. It never was."

[marvel_npc]

"Still."

Logically, he knows Bucky is right. There's no way he could have known his best friend survived that fall; it shouldn't have been possible.

He hugs Bucky tight, then pulls back, reluctant, leaving his hands on his friend's shoulders. "I can hardly believe it's really you."

[nerves_of_ice]

He raises his eyebrows at him. "You used to put newspapers in your shoes. We had oranges for Christmas," he tells him. "In the apartment we shared."

The corner of his mouth turns up in the faintest of smiles. "It's really me."

[marvel_npc]

Steve smiles for the first time since he and Sharon had left that little table and their empty wineglasses behind.

"Guess it is," he says, and pats Bucky's shoulder. "Can't read that in a museum."