[AU] a piercing comfort it affords

[from_the_outside]

For such a busy morning, the afternoon and evening prove remarkably quiet. Sharon's tired to her core, but she finds it just as difficult to rest as Bucky does, when she tries to cajole him into a nap. He only shakes his head at her, acquiescing to rest on the couch without actually sleeping.

She doesn't ask why. She's listening for the sound of Iron Man's repulsers just like he is.

But nothing comes, even after she's called Ross to update him and learn that the JTTF translators and analysts had come to the same conclusion she and Bucky had: that Zemo planned to impersonate him and set a bomb to spark a manhunt for the Winter Soldier.

Ross sounds grim as he tells her they'll need to find some more permanent solution to the power outage problem, then hangs up after he's extracted a promise from her to check in as soon as she learns anything.

Dinner is a quiet affair. Jet lag has her by the throat, but she can't sleep until she hears back from Steve and knows for certain that Tony won't be crashing down on them again.

If he does, she needs to be ready.

Comments

[from_the_outside]

"Nothing to be sorry for," she tells him, an echo of earlier. His chest and shoulders are so tight she may as well be touching carved marble; she shifts a little behind him and puts her hands on his shoulders, working her thumbs into the tense muscles there.

"Bad one?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He twists under her hands, unable to let her out of his sight for the moment. She's here, alive, her hair undarkened by blood and worse.

"Yes," is all he says.

[from_the_outside]

She frowns, but moves again, sitting on her hip to face him instead of sitting behind him so he doesn't need to twist.

He doesn't want her out of sight; that's not a good sign. Her left hand goes to his shoulder to rub at the tension there; her right lifts to smooth over his hair.

Very softly, she says: "Tell me about it?"

[nerves_of_ice]

His lips move, forming the word 'no,' but he doesn't say anything. He remains still under her ministrations, watching her.

[from_the_outside]

"Okay," she says. "Okay, baby."

Her fingers are gentle in his hair. "Lie back down with me?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head, and doesn't move.

"Can't. Can't sleep."

[from_the_outside]

"Okay." She squeezes his shoulder, then lets go so she can lean over and turn the beside lamp back on. It clicks into life and spills warm light over the pillows, the sheets; gleams mellowly off his metal left arm.

Whatever he saw, it might help to shine a little light into the dark. "That's fine."

[nerves_of_ice]

He draws a deep breath, then another, and another. It's a little too quick, too fast, but the act of forcing air in and out of his lungs helps.

"I'm sorry," he says again, after a moment. The light helps, playing softly over her hair and face. Concerned though her expression is, it's not empty and blank, and he's able to push the nightmare back further.

"Go back to sleep, baby. I'm - I'll be fine."

[from_the_outside]

"Don't be an idiot."

She's tired, but the rest she got helps, and anyway there's not a chance in hell she's abandoning him to whatever nightmare just drop-kicked him into panicked wakefulness. She reaches for his right hand and presses a kiss into the palm, then sets it against her collarbone so he can feel her breathing, feel her pulse beating.

(The way he's watching her...)

"Just sit with me for a minute and breathe."

[nerves_of_ice]

His fingers curl very gently over her shoulder, his thumb moving back and forth against her collarbone.

He's quiet for several seconds, as ordered.

"I'm sorry," he says again. "I thought I could keep from ... "

A long, long pause.

"The ones mixed with memories are worse."

[from_the_outside]

"It's okay. Seriously."

And only to be expected. He has decades of trauma to wrestle with, and he's been doing it on his own.

To be honest, nightmares are probably the best anyone can hope for. She reaches to take his left hand, letting it rest between hers in his lap. "Yeah," she murmurs. "Harder to tell them from reality."

[nerves_of_ice]

He flinches very slightly as her fingers close around cool metal, but doesn't resist or pull away.

"I didn't mean to wake you."

[from_the_outside]

She pauses as he flinches, but when he doesn't pull away just lets their hands rest together.

"I know. I don't mind," she tells him. "I'd rather be woken up than for you to be alone when they hit."

The way she's sitting, she can press her thigh against his hip, warm and solid. "Whatever you dreamed... even if it got mixed in with memory, it didn't happen this time. Just a dream. A bad one, but still."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I know it didn't happen."

There's not an ounce of doubt in his voice, the reason for which becomes obvious as he continues.

"I didn't kill you. Or Steve."

[from_the_outside]

...Well. That would certainly do it.

"No, you definitely didn't do either of those things."

She lifts her hand from his left one and feels her own pulse, smiling. "Yep. Still ticking."

[nerves_of_ice]

He gives her a look of disbelief before shaking his head and letting out his breath in a quiet sigh.

"Do you want to know?" His tone is carefully neutral.

[from_the_outside]

"Will it help to talk about it?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"I don't know," he says, honestly.

These nightmares are different from the more shadowed dreams of all those years ago, the ones that he lost when he lost the memory of what it was to be human, something more than the Winter Soldier. Will talking about them make them sharper, more real, stronger? Or will it make them fade? He shakes his head.

"I don't know," he says again. "Probably not."

[from_the_outside]

"Then don't worry about telling me," she says. "I'll listen if you want to talk about it, but if you don't and you don't think it'll help, I don't need to know."

She drops her hand back to her lap, studying him. "Steve's okay. I'm okay. You didn't hurt me. Whatever you dreamed, I know I'm safe with you."

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head, but doesn't argue. After another moment, he shifts position to lie back down, and tugs at her hand to draw her with him.

[from_the_outside]

She lets herself be drawn down. Instead of lying apart like they had when they went to sleep, she tucks herself against his side, sets her head next to his on the pillow as she rests her hand on his chest.

After a moment, she murmurs: "Feeling any better?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He makes a quiet sound of assent.

"Go back to sleep, baby."

[from_the_outside]

He might just be saying it so she'll go back to sleep, but she decides to take him at his word.

"Light on or off?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He looks down at her.

"Can you sleep with it on?"

[from_the_outside]

"Mm-hm."

There's a soft sound as she nods against the pillow. "Yeah."