from_the_outside | [ WWII AU ] a ghost story

It's been almost two years since she's been home, and little by little, the grief has gotten easier to live with.

It hasn't gone away. But she's able to focus on her job, watch movies, chat with friends, sleep most nights. She still dreams about him, but the dreams are tinged with wistful longing and only sometimes does she wake up with tears on her cheeks. She can't have his picture out in this apartment, Kate's apartment, but it's safe in the mountain house, along with his last letter to her, and she has a scan on her phone to look at when the long day is over and she's in bed, the stars from the lamp he'd given her filling her dark room.

Steve has helped, more than she could ever explain, and she hopes she's helped him in return. Aside from a few deeply classified missions here and there, they haven't worked together all that much, but she still sees him almost every day. In the halls, she's undercover as his mild-mannered neighbor, Kate, but in her secure apartment they can talk over anything, everything.

And it works. Every day is a little easier. They lean on each other when they need to, and they spend hours remembering and reminiscing about Bucky, talking shop, chatting about how Steve's fitting into the future. It's nice. She still misses Bucky, an ache that never really goes away, but they can both breathe through it, work through it, live through it.

She's on her way up from the basement laundry machines when she hears a familiar step in the hall, and has to smile to herself – first her own, then Kate's sweeter, more open one. "Hey, neighbor."

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From:

nerves_of_ice

Past and present blend unexpectedly into one immutable truth as flashes of recollection stutter across his broken mind. "I tried to stay."

The desperation in Sharon's eyes - the way she'd stood in the apartment, clutching her weapon - staring at him in horror, afraid of him - pleading with him not to go on the mission, not to go not to leave her not to go not to--

He swallows, hard, and hears Steve's scream ringing in his head.

("Your name is James Buchanan Barnes."

"BUCKY!"

"Bucky?")

He looks down at his hands, one gloved, one not. "I tried," he whispers. "I can't. Couldn't. I'm sorry."

From:

marvel_npc

"Can't?" Peggy says, her eyes narrowing.

There is much to despite about her mind's difficulty in grasping when she it, but it is made her a good deal more sensitive to the tenses her visitors use. "What do you mean, 'can't'?"

From:

nerves_of_ice

He hadn't meant to say that, hadn't meant to - he shouldn't have come. He should leave, before he makes things any worse.

Bucky eases forward in the chair, preparing to stand, and looks up at her. "I'm not - I'm still trying to find my way home," he says, softly. "I haven't made it yet."

From:

marvel_npc

He shifts, getting ready to move, and she puts the whipcrack of an order into her voice. "Stay put, Sergeant."

She frowns as she studies him, trying desperately to put the shattered pieces of what she knows or can guess together. "Are you in some sort of trouble?"

From:

nerves_of_ice

He freezes, utterly immobile, her command snapping through every part of him with a power she couldn't have anticipated.

(ready to comply)

His wary glance meets hers.

"A little. I'm... it's okay. I'm sorting things out."

From:

marvel_npc

"Don't prevaricate, Sergeant," she says, curt. "It wastes everyone's time. And goodness knows I haven't enough of that left."

Peggy reaches for her tea, tapping a finger on the delicate china and hoping this moment of clarity will last. "Are you safe?"

From:

nerves_of_ice

She really hasn't changed, not down at the core of her, he thinks. From what he can recall, anyway.

"I am now." Simple and to the point. "Some people are looking for me, but I'm ... good at avoiding that kind of thing."

From:

marvel_npc

"Hmph."

She frowns at him over her teacup. "It sounds to me as though you could use a place where you might be able to have a moment to find your footing."

From:

nerves_of_ice

He gives a very small shrug, and doesn't argue. She's not wrong.

"Don't worry about me, Agent Carter." He's not worth her time. "I'm pretty persistent."

From:

marvel_npc

"That, I hope, was never in question," she sniffs. "Tell me, when has telling someone not to worry ever worked?"

From:

nerves_of_ice

"It wasn't," he says, mildly, then gives another small shrug.

"I had to try. I didn't come here to worry you. Or anyone."

From:

marvel_npc

"Then what did you come for?"

She looks at the door, then back at him, suspicion creeping in. "Do Steve and Sharon know you're here?"

From:

nerves_of_ice

It's an excellent question, and one he doesn't have an answer for. Impulse, longing, doing things for himself alone - none of these are things he's been allowed for so long he's not exactly sure of the last time.

(Natasha. He thinks that might be it, all those years ago, until - until what had happened. His plea to be allowed to remember Steve certainly hadn't been permitted.)

"I thought you wouldn't mind," is what he says, right before he freezes again, cursing himself in all the languages he knows.

"... no. They don't. They know I'm... back," he settles on. "But not that I was coming here. I lied to your - your assistant. I'm sorry."

From:

marvel_npc

He certainly looks sorry, and more than a little hangdog. Peggy sighs.

Better address one thing at a time. "Well, since you're here, I suppose we'd better decide what we can do about the trouble you're in," she says, briskly. "And we'd better do it quickly, before my mind springs a trap on me."

From:

nerves_of_ice

"I just need time," he decides. He suspects she's not going to take a simple 'no' for an answer, and frantically searches for a reason. "Somewhere ... quiet. To, to - sort through things."

There's something in the darkness of his gaze as he looks at her, something like understanding. "I had a - a head injury. It's kind of a mess inside my head right now. That's all. I'm working on it."

It's not all, not even close to all, but it's all he's willing to admit.

From:

marvel_npc

"Well, my resources are somewhat lacking, at the moment," she has to admit. "But time and a quiet place are both within my means to give you."

Harrison and Amanda, bless them, are unlikely to stumble on him, certainly. "My nephew and his wife have a house in the mountains of the Shenandoah River Valley. It's quite secluded."

From:

nerves_of_ice

He stares at her, unable to come up with words at first. Any words at all.

An image of a mansion flickers across his thoughts and is lost, he doesn't know why. It's not like he's ever seen the house she's talking about.

"Are you sure?"

From:

marvel_npc

"Kindly pay me the respect of believing me the first time I tell you something, Sergeant," she says, crisp, and reaches toward a nearby desk, looking for her address book.

"Yes, I'm quite certain."

From:

nerves_of_ice

"Yes, ma'am," he says, a little abashed.

He shouldn't accept. It's not - it wouldn't be an intrusion, not if he's actually invited, unbelievable though that may be, but he can't think that Sharon would want him in her family's home, not after what he did to her. But maybe it wouldn't hurt just to - to see it. Just once. For a day or two, while he figures out where to go and what to do next.

They're not expecting him to come see Peggy. She might not even remember his visit, with her mind betraying her so cruelly in the way he's seen. (Maybe that'd be better, for her.) There's no reason they'd think to ask, or her to tell them. He should have the time. Just a little time.

"Thank you," he murmurs, very low.

From:

marvel_npc

She finds the book and flips through the pages with a fragile hand. Finding the correct address, she leans forward and offers it to him. "There's a gate code, there, beneath the address," she tells him.

"It isn't much, Sergeant. But I hope it helps."

From:

nerves_of_ice

He takes the book from her with care, holding it in his gloved left hand, and studies it for a second before he pulls out his phone and takes a picture of the page.

Bucky hands it back and looks up at her. "I'm sure it will. It's kind of you to offer. Thank you."

He hesitates, struggling with the chains and restrictions in his mind, then speaks again, carefully feeling his way with each word. "You asked why I came. It wasn't for - I wasn't looking for, for help. I... I was glad to, to know you were, were here. And thought it would be okay to - to see you. Again."

From:

marvel_npc

She listens to him, doing her best to pay attention to each careful word. "Sergeant," she says, once he's finished.

It's difficult to put what she's feeling into words: seeing him again, realizing that even though he's alive, he's still not found. "I'm... I'm very glad you came. I hope you'll visit again, soon."