[ WWII AU ] a ghost story

[from_the_outside]

It's been almost two years since she's been home, and little by little, the grief has gotten easier to live with.

It hasn't gone away. But she's able to focus on her job, watch movies, chat with friends, sleep most nights. She still dreams about him, but the dreams are tinged with wistful longing and only sometimes does she wake up with tears on her cheeks. She can't have his picture out in this apartment, Kate's apartment, but it's safe in the mountain house, along with his last letter to her, and she has a scan on her phone to look at when the long day is over and she's in bed, the stars from the lamp he'd given her filling her dark room.

Steve has helped, more than she could ever explain, and she hopes she's helped him in return. Aside from a few deeply classified missions here and there, they haven't worked together all that much, but she still sees him almost every day. In the halls, she's undercover as his mild-mannered neighbor, Kate, but in her secure apartment they can talk over anything, everything.

And it works. Every day is a little easier. They lean on each other when they need to, and they spend hours remembering and reminiscing about Bucky, talking shop, chatting about how Steve's fitting into the future. It's nice. She still misses Bucky, an ache that never really goes away, but they can both breathe through it, work through it, live through it.

She's on her way up from the basement laundry machines when she hears a familiar step in the hall, and has to smile to herself – first her own, then Kate's sweeter, more open one. "Hey, neighbor."

Comments

[from_the_outside]

"Maybe not right now," she says, grimly determined. "But I defy even him not to smile at Steve Rogers, one day."

Now that he has his memories back. Or some of them, anyway. She has no idea how much or how little he remembers, but it's a start. It has to be.

But for the moment, her focus is on the woman in front of her. As Nat tenses, Sharon leans in to give her a warm hug before she pulls back again. "How bad?"

[marvel_npc]

She's distantly surprised that Sharon hasn't pulled away from her on hearing that they'd loved the same man, in their own ways, at different times. She can't keep herself from hugging her friend back, grateful that she's in her life.

"Bad," she says again. "There's a reason I knew what my Bites... what electricity would do to his arm. When they found us together that last time, it was clear they'd already known. They came prepared."

A faint shiver runs over her skin. "They dragged me out of the room in front of him while they piled people on him. Bodies to hold him down. Hit him over and over again with taser rods, with anything they could to stop him, so that he couldn't - couldn't fight - he tried, but--"

She grips Sharon's hand, tight. "Even after they shut the door, I could hear him screaming. It... it was the last time they let him out of cryostasis between missions, I heard."

[from_the_outside]

Each word feels like a punch to her gut, but she grips Nat's hand and holds on tight. "It's not your fault," she manages, finally.

Every horrible thing that happened to him, it happened because there were evil men using him for their own ends. She grasps Nat's hand and gives her friend a determined look. "They did that to him. Not you. I'm... I'm glad you had each other."

[marvel_npc]

"I know." Most days, she even does. Most days. "But now..." She shakes her head. "Just... don't get your hopes up too high, Sharon. You know?"

[from_the_outside]

"Who, me?" Sharon digs deep and finds a smile from somewhere, one that says I have a hand full of aces when she's actually holding nothing at all. "I always keep my hopes manageable."

[marvel_npc]

Nat gives her a skeptical look. "You remember who you're talking to, right?"

[from_the_outside]

"Yeah." Her smile's sweet, even though it hurts her mouth. "One of the best friends I've got."

She takes a breath and gives Nat's hand a little shake. "And he's going to need us both to help him now."

[marvel_npc]

She squeezes Sharon's fingers and lets herself take a slow sip of coffee before she answers.

"I'm not saying no," she murmurs, finally. "I'm not. But if he doesn't want to be found, he won't be. You need to be ready for that. I looked for him until I had to stop. I had to make myself stop."

[from_the_outside]

"You were on your own," Sharon says, firm. "And he was still in their grip. Things are different now, Nat."

She glances over at the photo, then at her friend, something complex and rueful shading through her eyes. "Do you mind? What I told you?"

[marvel_npc]

She's not as sure as Sharon is that things are different, but surely she can allow them both a little hope.

But at her friend's question her eyes narrow, and she gives her hand a little shake. "Don't be silly. Of course I don't mind." Nat hesitates, then, and searches Sharon's face. "Do you?"

[from_the_outside]

Her glance drifts back to the photo, and she doesn't answer at first. "I took that photo the day Howard tried to send me home," she murmurs. "It didn't work, but... every minute I was there, we both knew I had to try to get back to my own time. I knew if he lived, he'd have a whole life without me."

She takes a breath and looks back at Nat, her smile sad but fond. "Like I said. I'm glad he had you. I can't think of anyone better."

[marvel_npc]

She leans in and hugs Sharon, holding on for a few long seconds before she pulls back again.

"So," she says, deliberately bright. "We're going to have to figure out how to keep Steve from running off after him, you realize."

[from_the_outside]

"I think I can help with that," Sharon murmurs. "For a little while, anyway."

Her glance flickers to the window, then back again to Nat. "He told me to tell Steve he'd be in touch."

[marvel_npc]

Her eyes narrow as she sees the way Sharon looks at the window. "He was here again? Tonight?"

[from_the_outside]

Sharon nods at her. "For a little while. Yes."

[marvel_npc]

"Idiot man," she mutters. There's complex fondness underlying her tone, but real annoyance, too. "You realize he's probably still out there, right?"

[from_the_outside]

"If he is, then I reserve the right to be mad at him for letting me cry all on my own," she mutters, before she lets go of Nat's hand and gets up to peer out the window.

[marvel_npc]

"Oh, you definitely have that right," Nat says, coming to join her. "Pretend you're looking down at the street," she says, tilting her head a little to the side as she does the same. "Point out something down there to me."

[from_the_outside]

She does as Nat requests, nudging her friend's shoulder and pointing down to something just around the corner of the other building.

"See anything?"

[marvel_npc]

"Give me a-- got him," she says, breathing it out without moving her lips. Natasha makes them curve up in a brilliant smile and says, casual but clear enough to carry, "You're right, Steve loves that bike. It's a good thing he likes to keep it over there."

Metal glints from above as someone shifts, trying to follow the angle indicated. "He's on your own roof," Nat breathes.

[from_the_outside]

Grief and longing and exasperation all war with each other in her chest. "Idiot," she mutters.

"Guess he's keeping an eye out for any lingering HYDRA goons."

[marvel_npc]

"Probably," she agrees. "Which isn't a bad idea, that much I'll admit."

She turns away from the window as casually as she'd approached it, not wanting to put his wind up, and makes sure Sharon's the only one who can see her lips. "Do you want to go after him?"

[from_the_outside]

More than anything, she wants to say yes, but she thinks of the way he'd dropped his gaze, how gently he'd touched her cheek. I'll be in touch.

"Yes," she murmurs. "But I don't think we should. He's not ready for it."

Her smile quirks, wry. "It's nice just to know he's there."

[marvel_npc]

There's quiet understanding in her eyes as she nods. "And this way you can also tell Steve you saw him, that he's okay."

As okay as he's likely to be, given everything.

"Come on. Let's pack up and get you to Sam's so you can get some rest."

[from_the_outside]

"Yeah. Good idea."

She still has to tear herself away from the window, but she manages it, leading Nat into the bedroom. Sharon digs out a tote bag and starts shoving clothes into it, then carefully lifts the ceramic lamp and wraps it in a shirt, adding it to the pile.