[oom] the rest of you, the best of you, honey, belongs to me

[from_the_outside]

It's been a little over a month since Bucky brought her to that training space and told her he was making good on his promise; a little longer since she's met Ayo for an hour a day to spar and train and meditate and learn. In that time, Shuri's updated her suit and Bucky's prototype arm, and Nakia's successfully launched the first of her outreach centers in the place where a young N'Jadaka had once had his whole world shattered.

Ayo prefers to train with her either early in the morning or late in the cool of the evening. Today was the latter, and steam is lifting off Sharon's shoulders as she walks back from the Citadel, her hair a sweat-damp mess in a ponytail, her muscles aching pleasantly. 

She's back on top. Between Bucky and Ayo, she's faster now than she ever has been; more adaptive, more thoughtful about her approach. She still can't beat Bucky one on one, but Ayo had tested her against Aneka, another Dora, recently, and she'd more than held her own. She's flexible and strong and her cardio hasn't been this good in years.

More than that, she's happy, the way Bucky wanted her to be. She has some direction, and that's all she really needed. What she'll do with it is the next step, but she's not quite there yet. For now, she strolls down the path toward the hut by the lake where she's been more or less living with him, the sunset light just now dying from the sky. She's so lost in her thoughts it takes her a second even to realize that there's a buzzing coming from the pocket of her tote bag.

And it's not like she was expecting a call, anyway. Who would it even be from?

Comments

[from_the_outside]

"I'm good for now."

She leaves the laptop running its search, then comes over to join him. "The thing is, baby, I don't know that we'll be able to find anything Hill and Fury haven't already found. They have the same intel."

If she can't give them information, then she hasn't been helpful at all. But what else is there for her to do?

[nerves_of_ice]

"Not all of it." His expression is truly rueful. "But those last files are gone now. I'm pretty sure they are, anyway."

[from_the_outside]

"But none of that was on moving any of the product," she points out. "Not that I remember, anyway."

She moves the food around her plate with a fork, morose, wondering if maybe Bucky will remember something else overnight. "Fury said it was old information. Why look into it now, unless there's been some kind of development?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"No," he murmurs. "It wasn't." Product. He stifles his weary revulsion and makes himself focus on the problem at hand.

"Good question. Did the auction contact give up some new intel, maybe?"

[from_the_outside]

"Gray? Maybe."

She picks at her food and looks up at him. "I can ask when I call Fury back. There must be some reason for it."

[nerves_of_ice]

“I’m pretty sure Fury never does anything without a reason.”

He watches the way she toys with her food, distracted, and doesn’t like what he’s seeing.

“When are you supposed to call him back?”

[from_the_outside]

"I didn't give him a timeframe, but I don't want to wait too long," she tells him. "Tomorrow morning, maybe."

She taps her fork on the edge of her plate, thinking. "If it's just following up an old lead, it might not be too complicated. But I don't know if Giulietta would even know what to look for."

[nerves_of_ice]

“If she wouldn’t, why would he send her?” he points out.

[from_the_outside]

"Who else has he got to send?"

She ticks off names on her fingers. "Nat's in the wind with the Secret Avengers, and the Accords are gunning for her. Hill hasn't done field work in years. 19 is retired. So is May. And I'm – "

She stops short and drops her hands, shrugging. "My guess is she's the best of a bunch of bad choices."

[nerves_of_ice]

Who else, indeed.

He doesn't wonder any longer why Fury called her. He's sickeningly certain he can already guess.

"Maybe."

[from_the_outside]

The thing is, with Kwan dead and Gray contained, Irma is still a viable cover. It might be hard, seeing as she dropped off the face of the earth after winning the auction, but it's just possible her name could be used to make a few connections.

But she doesn't know how to even begin broaching a subject like that to Bucky. He'd been worried enough about the auction. "He said this Green was selling to mercenaries," she tells him. "I might have a few old contacts who know something about that."

Not mercenaries themselves – exactly – but familiar with the world.

[nerves_of_ice]

He sets down his fork, all appetite lost, and reaches to catch her hand in his.

"Contacts you could pass on?" He has to ask it, but he's afraid he already knows.

[from_the_outside]

"I could," she says, but she's dubious. They aren't exactly the most trusting of people.

But he takes her hand in his and she's horribly afraid he's seen right through all the excuses and complications she's drawing like a veil over her own thoughts. As usual, he sees right to the heart of her, and it means she has to take a hard look, herself.

Sharon curls her fingers around his. "I can't help thinking this would be a lot easier if he could just send me."

[nerves_of_ice]

She's right, it would, but that's not the point.

When it comes down to it, the point is that she's incredibly skilled, she's been training as hard as she ever has in her life, and what's a refuge for him is in the end an exile for her, and always has been. No matter how much she loves Wakanda, no matter how much she loves him, it always has been. She is who she is, and if he's going to be honest with both of them he has to accept that.

Bucky makes himself take a slow, steady breath, and meets her eyes. "Do you want to go?"

[from_the_outside]

I don't lie to you.

"Yes," she says, quiet. And it's true but so is this: "But just wanting to isn't a good enough reason to risk it."

Which isn't to say there aren't good enough reasons, but she needs him to know she wouldn't do it just to salve her own longing for action.

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods, slowly, and fights the urge to grip her hand tighter, to try to keep her with him, here, safe. It wouldn't be fair; it wouldn't be right.

It was always coming, he realizes, this moment or something like it. A distant, deep part of his mind has to admire how neatly Fury'd maneuvered things.

"Then I guess we better figure out if there is a good enough reason."

And if not, well, maybe that spot on Steve's team that he'd offered to her before is still open. Maybe that'll be enough. He'd feel better knowing she had someone he trusts watching her back.

[from_the_outside]

"I guess so."

That lightness he'd had to him before has dissipated. She squeezes his fingers, wishing that it didn't have to be like this. "And I'm not doing anything without a solid risk assessment that you're a part of. I've learned my lesson."

[nerves_of_ice]

"That's all I could ask for." He squeezes her hand in return, studying her expression.

"Sharon, I don't---" The words choke in his throat, and he nearly growls, angry with himself. It's been a while since his own weaknesses have yanked him up this short, but then again, it's been a while since there was something he felt was this truly high stakes.

"--I understand. I do. You know that, right?" Bucky tries for a smile, and thinks he gets there, although it's a little rueful. "I won't be able to help worrying, but that's just the way I am. I worry about Steve, too."

All the time, in fact.

"And Natasha. And hell, even Wilson sometimes, I guess, but don't tell him I said it."

[from_the_outside]

"I know you do," she promises. "And I'd worry just as much about you."

She curls her fingers securely around his, holding on. "But at least this time I'd be going in with my eyes open and as on top of my game as I've ever been. And that's because of you, baby. You've spent so much time helping me get back to feeling like myself again."

[nerves_of_ice]

He runs his thumb lightly back and forth over her fingers. "This is part of who you are," he murmurs. "It always has been. I w-- I want you to have that part of yourself back. All the way back."

[from_the_outside]

"We'll see," she says. "One step at a time."

One mission with Fury wouldn't make her a field agent again, wouldn't clear her name or give her a job and purpose, but it would be something. And he knows as well as she does that she's been climbing the walls here, looking for something to do.

Sharon takes a long breath to steady herself, then studies him. "So maybe we should talk pros and cons tonight."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Looks like." He squeezes her hand again. "Eat something, okay? And then we'll figure it out. All of it."

[from_the_outside]

She smiles at him and lifts her hand away. "You, too," she says, looking pointedly at his plate.

Her appetite is almost non-existent, but if it'll help him, she'll eat as much as she can stomach.

[nerves_of_ice]

He's not hungry, not anymore, but it'll worry her if he doesn't have something. Bucky nods and picks his fork back up.

"So how do you want to run the op?"

[from_the_outside]

"I don't know enough yet to even start making a guess," she points out. "But it's possible Irma hasn't been burned yet. And if it's still a viable cover, I might be able to use it to get some intel on Green."