[oom] something in my mind freezes up from time to time

[from_the_outside]

She hardly has any time to protest when Nakia appears like a vengeful storm sweeping into Shuri's lab and hauls Sharon away like a child who has snuck out of bed.

"Nakia –!"

"I will return her once she is ready," Nakia tells Shuri, who looks like she's barely holding back laughter, and then drags Sharon down the short corridor to the train platform, tapping out an order on her Kimoyo beads as she does.

"Do I get to know what's going on?" Sharon complains, and Nakia gives her a flat look.

"Stretch your arms up as high as you can," she commands, and when Sharon hesitates snaps: "Well?"

Annoyed, Sharon does as requested, but can only get her left arm about halfway up before wincing and letting it drop again. "As I thought," Nakia says, patronizing, and ushers her onto the train.

What follows is a series of tests and scans Sharon submits to with poor grace. "I'm fine!" she protests. "It's been six weeks!" But the Wakandan doctors either don't believe her or are too scared of Nakia to ignore her orders, and Sharon finds herself on the business end of a needle or two and several strangely warm lights that do something uncomfortable to the ribs she'd broken and then re-broken.

"Why does it hurt more now?" she complains, and Nakia smiles peaceably. "Because you did not take care of them before and now they must heal properly. You will be fine tomorrow or the day after."

And whatever arguments Sharon makes, she refuses to hear.

---

Nakia keeps her resting for the remainder of the day, feigning deafness when Sharon asks about going either to the lab or to see Bucky, and the evening and night pass without incident. She does manage to see him the next day, but it's brief: Nakia had swept in shortly after sun-up with coffee and breakfast and informed Sharon she would be taking her to meet several of the different tribes. And that it would likely take all day.

So Sharon contents herself with waving to Bucky from a distance as she and Nakia pass by: the children must have been freed from their lessons because they're clamoring around him. She meets a slew of people whose names she tries her best to remember and returns to the Citadel that evening with a few colorful braided and beaded bracelets around her wrist and several yards of beautiful cloth one of the village women had pressed on her. She doesn't know what to do with it; Nakia takes it with a secretive smile and promises to find a purpose.

But the next morning, she's up and out before Nakia can show up with plans again: the doctors had said she would be fine today, and she has somewhere she needs to be. After she's made use of the coffee maker she'd wheedled out of the kitchen staff, showered, and changed, she's heading down the halls of the Citadel to the station.

Shuri had said first thing. They may already be there.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's peaceful," he says, simply, then looks back at Steve. "It's been a long time since that was even an option."

A beat of silence falls, and he glances up at the sky.

"It's nice to know it's here, is all. That it exists somewhere."

[from_the_outside]

"Kind of puts everything into perspective, doesn't it?"

He looks back up, too. It's so clear here he can see the Milky Way stretching like a river across the sky.

[nerves_of_ice]

"Sure does."

He leads Steve over the top of the hill and onto the long slope down toward the lake, then stops and points at the hut.

"See that? Home sweet home, for now."

[from_the_outside]

He nods approvingly. "I like it. It's got quite a view."

It's nothing he would have ever expected Bucky to want, back when they were young and brash and full of themselves and the beating heart of the city around them –

But that was a long time ago. A lot has changed since then. "Seem like you've got everything you need," he says, as they walk slowly down the slope, then smiles. "Including the best fake nurse I know practically on call."

There's a pause, and he reconsiders. "Actually, I don't think she knows anything about nursing at all. Better not to chance it."

[nerves_of_ice]

"It's simple," he says, dryly. "Simple's about what I can handle right now. You saw the flat in Bucharest."

He huffs out a wry breath at Steve's next observation. "Yeah, no. She came to the lab for the scans today, but I think it shook her up a bit."

[from_the_outside]

"Yeah?"

It's difficult to imagine Sharon Carter being visibly shaken by anything. "Why do you say that?"

(He's not surprised to hear she was there for the new scans. It fits with what he'd guessed and she'd confirmed.)

[nerves_of_ice]

"Yeah. You were quiet when you were looking around, before it all went to hell, but I saw you. I know how it looked." Bucky slants a glance at him and shrugs. "I'm still figuring out how to live like a person again, rather than a thing. Simple helps."

He says it matter-of-factly, without weariness or rancor. Since they're talking about this, Bucky decides to lead Steve to the hut so he can see for himself.

As they reach the bottom of the hill and start that way, he explains,

"Not all the memories are good. Hit a pretty bad one today - nobody's fault."

[from_the_outside]

"There's a lot to be said for keeping it simple. For anyone."

He stays at Bucky's shoulder as they head towards the hut. "I can see why that might upset her," Steve says, tactfully. "That kind of thing's not easy to watch."

Harder still to live, but Bucky knows he knows that. And there's an added helplessness when you see someone you care about suffering, knowing there's nothing you can do to stop it.

From what he knows of Sharon, she hates to be helpless.

[nerves_of_ice]

He nods to that, and then, with a wry smile, silently points out the sleeping goats in their pen on the other side of the hut before he continues.

"I guess not." He shakes his head, and looks sideways at Steve. "I brought her up to speed, so you won't have to go through all of that again with her. She knows everything, pretty much."

[from_the_outside]

He nods, firmly, after smiling at the goats, and looks at Bucky. "Good."

There's a pause, and then he says, in the serious, straightforward way of someone used to charging straight into the line of fire: "I'm glad you've got her here with you, Buck. She's a hell of a woman."

[nerves_of_ice]

"She is," Bucky agrees, without hesitation.

"I know how much she means to you."

[from_the_outside]

"About that."

It's at least a little easier broaching this subject with Bucky than with Sharon herself, but he still wishes he were a little better at it. "Talking with Sharon's one of the reasons why I came tonight. You, too."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Yeah, I didn't think it was just because you were in the neighborhood," Bucky tells him. He gestures toward the door of the hut, then toward the lake shore, giving Steve the choice of where he wants to go.

"What's going on?"

[from_the_outside]

"Something Nat said the other day got me thinking."

He's actually not sure the two of them can fit comfortably inside the hut, and this fresh air is nice. He doesn't get a chance to just walk around at night very often anymore.

He tips his head toward the lake and starts strolling that way. "You know, after everything last month – the funeral, Bucharest, Berlin – when she came to give us our gear, I got a little...carried away."

It's not that what he felt – feels – for Sharon isn't real. It's just not what he thought it was. "You're right. She means a lot to me – for a lot of reasons. Just not in the way I thought maybe she could."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Something Natasha said?" His tone scales upward in surprise before he gets a handle on it. He glances over at Steve, keeping pace at his side.

"Steve, listen. You won't be in hiding forever. Neither will she. There's time to figure everything out."

He knows what Sharon's told him, but he also knows what he saw that day in Leipzig. It's him that's the problem.

[from_the_outside]

"It's okay, Buck." His voice is gentle but firm, ignoring Bucky's question about Nat for the moment. "There's nothing to figure out that I haven't already thought about. I already talked to her about it. We both agreed it's better this way, as friends."

He chuckles under his breath. "God, she reminds me so much of Peggy." A little ruefully: "Maybe too much of Peggy. I don't think I'd ever be able to stop looking for Peggy in everything she says and does, and that's not fair to either of us. She deserves someone who sees her for herself. That's not me."

That ruefulness fades away, replaced by that same satisfaction he's been radiating all night, now with a slight air of smugness. "But maybe it's you."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Steve," he starts to protest, but then his best friend compares Sharon to her aunt Peggy, and the words stop in his throat.

That's not fair to either of us. It's not. It's really not. Nothing at all is fair about how much Steve loved Peggy Carter, and how much it'd seemed she loved him in turn, and how little time they had together.

It's even less fair that Peggy's memory might be standing between Steve and future happiness. He's sure she wouldn't have wanted it that way. Unfortunately, he's also deeply, deeply certain that Steve's right: if he sees Peggy so clearly in her niece, he'll never be able to see Sharon as herself, and they'll both be miserable if he tries.

He opens his mouth again to tell Steve how sorry he is, and that's when the bombshell lands, scattering his thoughts entirely.

"... what."

[from_the_outside]

Steve grins and claps him on the shoulder. "I was surprised at first, too," he says, all genuine amusement and satisfaction. "Even after you told me about France and Greece, I didn't think anything of it. I only started putting the pieces together after you two called the other night."

Ohhhhh, he can hear Nat, clear as day, and it makes him laugh. "Anyway, I was catching Nat and Sam up on everything and Nat made a comment about the tracker in your boot. And why Sharon might have put it there."

That's a politic way of putting it; Bucky doesn't need to know about Nat's teasing, or the conversation Steve had with her the next day. "And the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. On her side, anyway. I wasn't sure about you."

He chuckles again and squeezes Bucky's shoulder before letting go. "So I thought I'd come see for myself."

[nerves_of_ice]

Bucky stares at him.

"Steve, I didn't -- "

It feels like every once-clear thought in his mind is crashing into every other one, shaking everything up and letting the pieces fall into a new pattern. Steve doesn't look upset, but he has to be sure.

"I knew you cared about her, I wouldn't, you know I wouldn't --"

[from_the_outside]

"I know you wouldn't," he agrees, with absolute faith. He's certain that Bucky would never have made any kind of move on someone he cared about if he thought Steve cared, too. He's never once questioned Bucky's loyalty to him, just like he hopes Bucky's never questioned Steve's for him. "That's one reason I had to be certain, both of how I felt and of how she felt. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if you stayed away from something that might make you happy because of me. You're my best friend, Buck."

He grins, suddenly. "And you've set me up on way too many dates for me to think you'd ever try to steal one away from me. But I promise, I don't feel that way about her. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't feel that way about me, either."

He's watching Bucky very closely now, trying to make sure Bucky can see the truth of everything he's saying, everything he feels, in his face. "The question is...how do you feel about her?"

He'd spent a lot of time this evening watching Bucky watch and react to Sharon, and watching Bucky very carefully keep himself from watching and reacting to Sharon. He's no expert, but he's pretty sure it all means something.

[nerves_of_ice]

He studies Steve's face carefully, and then the breath sighs out of him in a rush.

"I don't know," he admits. "I haven't let myself think about it."

Bucky shakes his head, his own expression shading both rueful and wry, and tells Steve, "Before Leipzig--"

Both times in Leipzig, in fact, but that's not the point.

"-- after Greece, I started to think maybe, maybe there could be a chance to at least see, if I wasn't such a mess. But then, well." He shrugs, as it's obvious what he means by that, and he knows Steve knows it.

"And I am a mess, Steve. I'm a wreck. You know it, I know it. I'm working on getting better, but I'm not there yet."

[from_the_outside]

Steve listens, and reaches to put his hand on Bucky's shoulder again, warm and supportive. "Maybe it's time to let yourself think about it," he suggests. "I know you're a work in progress, but you, the core of you? You're still right there. I can see you there, right now. And if she can, too, that's not something to push away."

It's his turn to get a little wry, but his eyes are absolutely sincere. "Take it from maybe the foremost expert in the world on waiting too long and letting a good thing get away: don't. You might not get another chance."

[nerves_of_ice]

One look at Steve's face, and Bucky shifts position to wrap his arm around Steve's shoulders for the first time in a very long time.

"You're a good friend, Rogers. The best," he says, quietly. A beat of silence. "Even if I still can't believe you flew all this way to try to set me up on a date."

[from_the_outside]

Steve's arm comes up around Bucky's back just as easy as it always used to, and he chuckles.

"Well, I've got a lot of set ups to pay you back for, pal." He pauses in a moment's thought, then laughs. "Hopefully this one works out better for you than any of those did for me."

[nerves_of_ice]

He huffs out an answering breath of laughter.

"They just didn't know what they were missing."