from_the_outside | [AU] even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course

As predicted, Steve was concerned when she told him Tony was working on something he refused to tell her about. It's not a conversation they could have while Ross was here, but as soon as she could let him know, she did.

Whatever it is, she doesn't want to worry Bucky about it until they have some idea of what Tony's up to. Even she doesn't think he'd be so stupid as to try to activate Bucky again, but it's Tony Stark. He's not exactly known for making good decisions.

That's why she and Steve had opted to go see him in person, and why Steve's knocking on Tony's door, trying not to look concerned. "It'll be okay," he tells Sharon while they wait.

She's not so sure, but hoping so is better than the alternative.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

nerves_of_ice

A puzzle he can't solve, and a mistake he can't fix. He thinks over Natasha's assessment as he stares at Tony Stark.

"Am I a lab rat to you?" Low and tight. "A puzzle? Why are you doing this?"

From:

marvel_npc

"No."

He throws up his hands and goes to the wall, putting his palm against it and leaning there for a second before he pushes away again, eyes on Barnes as he gestures with both hands. "I'm trying to – you're not a lab rat. And I fucked with you, and I'm sorry, and I can't fix that but you shouldn't have to live with, with, with this. With never knowing if somebody knows the words, if Zemo told anybody else. I have power over you right now and I don't want it, I want to get rid of it, I want to make sure nobody else ever has it because it is just so, so unbelievably wrong. It's wrong."

He's at his chair, puts his hands on the back and leans on it, gaze boring into Barnes. "If I can do this, then I should do it, because that's the right thing to do. Right? Isn't that our whole deal, using our powers for good and not evil? And I haven't, I was wrong. I was evil. So I just – I want to do the right thing. By you. If I can."

From:

nerves_of_ice

Bucky stares right back at him, trying to read him. Trying to tell if he's sincere. He seems to be, but--

"Agent Carter thought I could give you the program manual," he says, abruptly. "Steve, too. What would you do with it? With something like that?"

From:

marvel_npc

"Uh, translate it, first, probably," he says, before Natasha makes a face and leans over to whack at his arm with her hand. "Ow!"

He frowns at her, rubbing his arm with his free hand. "I wasn't being sarcastic, that's what I'd have to do, I assume it's in Russian."

Looking back at Barnes, he shakes his head. "Study it. Try to figure out how they did what they did and what problems they ran into, because those, those I can work with. Like the, the cryo chamber, right? They had to refresh you after it so the programming would stick. Because there's a, a, a time limit, or something – it deteriorates, right? Over time? You, the real you, starts surfacing. So that's something. Or, uh, you – "

That's aimed at Agent Carter, who narrows her eyes at him. "You said something about hypnosis, right?" He snaps his fingers over and over, trying to think of –

"Subconscious implantation. Maybe there's a way to tweak that so you hear something else instead of the trigger words. Would they still work? Are they linked to your conscious mind or your unconscious mind? So there are cracks, right, because everything has cracks. We just need to find the one that crashes the program."

From:

nerves_of_ice

"You sure you wouldn't want to start a new Project Rebirth?" Something dark and flat and bitter is in his eyes now, a bitterness that bleeds through into his words. "Complete with control mechanism?"

From:

marvel_npc

Tony looks visibly ill, lines drawn deeply into his face; he pushes himself back without letting go of the chair and hangs his head between his arms for a second. "No," he tells the floor.

He hates it more than anything. More than the Unite States government trying to take away the suit.

But it's a question that had to be asked, and he has to answer. He breathes in sharply through his nose and pulls himself back up to standing, meeting Barnes' sharp gaze with his own flickering one; he tries to steady it.

"No," he says. "I'm not in the business of making weapons anymore. And even if I were, the answer's still no. I can give you a million reasons. Financial? Sure. Ethical? Definitely. Considering I already tried creating an army of programmed soldiers capable of independent thought and adaptability – I don't know if you heard about that one, it didn't go too well. But it all comes down to this: I would rather gnaw every finger of my hands off one at a time than see that damn program at work again."

He's breathing heavily; has to push back from the chair to standing. "I don't know what the hell my dad was doing with that stuff. I pray to God he wasn't involved in anything like what they did to you. And I – no. The answer is no."

From:

nerves_of_ice

He's silent for what feels like ages, watching the tremors run through the other man, judging his breathing and the way he's holding himself, seeing the quick glances that Sharon and Natasha trade out of the corner of his eye.

"You're right," he says, without warning. "It's a cascading effect. Each word sends me deeper, like -- like drowning."

A beat of silence.

"I don't know why those words. I can guess, given a couple of them. You'd have figured it out too, eventually. The-- the last one," he says, carefully, seeing Sharon tense. "When I fell, all those years ago. That's where I fell from. Each word has a meaning beyond, beyond meaning."

Another beat, and a slow breath.

"The rest of it I have to think about first."

From:

marvel_npc

Tony stares at him, almost uncomprehending, before his brain kicks into gear and he realizes what he's hearing.

"Right," he says, quickly, to that last statement. "Yeah. Of course. Think about it as long as you need. But they're – meaning beyond meaning. Okay. That makes sense, that's, that's the anchor, right?"

He grips the back of his chair with one hand and turns the other at the wrist, over and over. "They connect to you. To memories, maybe. Things that matter. That's what makes you you, right? What makes anybody anybody. The things we remember. That we care about. That we want."

He pushes off the chair and starts pacing again, but this time his frown is aimed inward, at his train of thought. "Maybe that's how it suppresses you – sorry." He blinks back out of it, shoots a hunted glance at Natasha and back again at Barnes. "I'm just spitballing. But it makes sense."

From:

nerves_of_ice

He shrugs. "I'm not the scientist. But sure, as much as any of it does, yeah."

He glances at Sharon.

From:

marvel_npc

"No, fine, sure," Tony says, waving that aside. Agent Carter's mouth tightens, and she meets Barnes' glance with one of her own that he can't quite read, then looks at him.

"Can you work with what you've got for now?" she says, and he nods.

"Yeah. Sure. I can run some simulations and FRIDAY's working on an analysis – yeah," he says again, quickly, as her eyes narrow. "I'll keep going. I mean, if, if – "

He gestures towards Barnes. "It's okay with you."

From:

nerves_of_ice

He nods assent, sets his coffee cup aside, and gets to his feet, glancing over at Natasha. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," she murmurs. Bucky moves to stand by Sharon, and waits in silence.

From:

marvel_npc

Tony glances between all three of them for a second before he realizes he's being dismissed, and straightens.

"Right," he says, and looks back at Barnes. "Uh. Thanks. For – thanks." He looks at Natasha, then leans forward to pick up the cup of coffee he hadn't touched and holds it out to her.

"Here. Thank you for, um, hosting."

From:

marvel_npc

"No problem," Nat tells him. "We'll talk soon, okay?"

From:

marvel_npc

Tony nods, then flicks a last glance around the room before he heads to the door and opens it, then nearly pelts through into the hall.

He takes a moment once the door's closed behind him, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes –

But only a moment. "Right," he says, softly, and pushes himself up and down the hall. "FRIDAY? We've got a lot of work to do."

From:

nerves_of_ice

He lets out a long, slow breath as the door closes behind Tony Stark. He could almost pity the man.

Almost.

"That," he starts, and can't find anything else to say.

From:

from_the_outside

She'd gotten to her feet when Bucky did; now there's a clatter as she adroitly sets her cold coffee mug down on the table and turns to him. Everything in her is yelling for her to go to him, to put her arms around him and draw his head down to her shoulder and let him lean on her for a little while –

But Nat's right there. And she doesn't know what he cares if she sees.

But she can't do nothing. She comes close and lets just the tips of her fingers rest at his side. "Yeah," she agrees, and looks up into his face, her eyes full of concern.

"Are you okay?"

From:

nerves_of_ice

He nods. "Yeah." Bucky thinks that over for a few seconds before he says it again, with more certainty. "Yeah. I'm okay. It's just ... a lot to think about."

"It is," Natasha agrees. "And you should take your time doing that. I don't think he'll push you - he'll probably run off with the new information and bury himself in it with renewed energy, at least until Pepper drags him out of it for a bit - but if he does, we'll make him stop. All of us."

From:

from_the_outside

"Yes, we will," she says, firmly, and lets herself put her palm on his chest, briefly. He's warm and solid, breathing steadily, and he looks okay; she studies him for a moment before reluctantly drawing her hand away and turning to look at Nat.

"It sounds like he has plenty to keep himself busy with for the moment, anyway."

From:

marvel_npc

"Mm-hm. This, and however he was working on it before," Nat tells them. James is trying to look unaffected, and she thinks maybe he's doing better with confronting Tony than he thought he would be.

Maybe. It's been a long, long time since she could read him like one of her cherished books. It's entirely possible that he's gotten better at hiding. If that's the case, she hopes Sharon knows better than she does.

"For what it's worth, I think he was telling the truth."

From:

from_the_outside

"You know him better than we do," Sharon tells her. "I trust your read on him."

She actually thinks Tony is probably a terrible liar. He's lived his whole life out loud, unapologetic and obnoxious. If he's good at lying to anyone, it's only to himself.

She looks back over at Bucky, looking for any hint that he's just putting on a good show for the two of them. "Now what?"

From:

nerves_of_ice

“I don’t know,” he admits.

From:

from_the_outside

She studies him for a moment, then looks back at Nat.

"Is there a spot here where we could get some fresh air?"

From:

marvel_npc

"The roof," Nat tells them. "As long as you don't mind the height, it's got a good view."

Bucky nods. "I know the way." It's only one of the corners he'd explored during those first days, although he'd hesitated to open the door in case it set off an alarm of any sort.