[oom] an indentation in the shape of you

[from_the_outside]

Her room is closer. If he had to get up to take care of the goats, she'd walk them back down to the little hut by the lake, but K'Senge will still come by in the morning, and her room is closer.

"Follow me," she says, and steps back to take his hand in hers, then walks with him through the quiet halls of the Citadel until they reach her door. She unlocks it and draws him inside, then closes it firmly behind them again. 

Her heart is racing, anticipation chasing sweet fire through her veins as she puts her arms back around his neck. "Welcome to my humble abode," she murmurs, smiling, and kisses him.

Comments

[nerves_of_ice]

The feel of her hand on his skin is steadying.

"It was the only way to know. To really know."

[from_the_outside]

"It was."

No matter how fraught, how stressful. She can't even imagine how he'd felt in those moments, waiting for the veil to fall, waiting to be sucked under again. And if it had gone wrong. "You would have gone crazy worrying otherwise."

[nerves_of_ice]

He shakes his head, denying that, but says nothing else at first.

[from_the_outside]

Hm.

She flattens her hand on his stomach and moves it in soothing circles. "Baby," she coaxes.

"What?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"There was always going to be a test."

[from_the_outside]

A small frown pulls between her brows as she looks at him.

"What do you mean?"

[nerves_of_ice]

Finally, he glances at her.

"I didn't know Ayo had been thinking about it, too. When I started planning."

[from_the_outside]

It makes sense. He would always have needed to be sure.

But there's something she doesn't like about it all the same. She watches him with serious dark eyes and keeps up a steady grounding touch of her hand on his stomach.

"What was your plan?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He sighs, very quietly.

"I had a couple of them. Just in case." Bucky shifts, putting his hand over hers, holding on.

"For one, I thought I'd try a recording. I didn't know if it would work if they were recorded, but it seemed reasonable enough to try."

Another slow breath, in and out.

"Including a command, for if it did work."

[from_the_outside]

That frown digs itself a little deeper into her brow. "A command?"

Oh, she already knows she's not going to like this. "What command?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"There's a cliff," Bucky tells her. "Risk avoidance doesn't seem to have ever been part of the programming, so I should have been able to jump. It's possible to survive the fall--"

Probably. After all, T'Challa had.

"--but the shock would have knocked me out of it. I think."

[from_the_outside]

She was right. She hates this plan.

(She hates that risk avoidance wasn't part of the programming.)

Her hand tenses under his before she forces it to relax again.

"Well, I'm glad it didn't come to that," she says, as calmly as possible. Considering the situation and the topic, she thinks she does a passable job. "Were the others along the same lines?"

[nerves_of_ice]

"Not exactly," he says, well aware of the increase in tension. "But we don't have to talk about it. It doesn't matter now, right?"

[from_the_outside]

"It still matters," she tells him, and her voice is quiet but firm. "Baby. Of course it still matters. It's all part of... all of this."

She leans down to kiss his shoulder, props herself back up again to watch him. "Even if you never have to use any of them, I still want to know."

[nerves_of_ice]

He's not sure she really does, but after studying her face for several seconds, he decides to take her at her word.

"If the recording didn't work, I'd still have had to have someone try in person. Just in case that mattered," he tells her.

"If it had... I'd have had to go back under, find someone else who could help--"

He grimaces slightly at that, before his expression goes carefully neutral.

"--or remove the source of the problem."

[from_the_outside]

She watches the expression drain out of his face and her stomach clenches.

"Why do I get the feeling you're not talking about the trigger words?"

[nerves_of_ice]

He doesn't answer her directly.

"I promised Steve I wouldn't run again. And I promised you I'd keep trying. Even if...well."

Bucky shrugs, very slightly.

"But I wasn't going to let myself be a threat. Not any more."

[from_the_outside]

There's a long moment where she struggles with the what might have been, her stomach in a sick knot, and almost laughs when she realizes that the thing she wants to do is argue with him about it.

To tell him that if they really were partners, she'd be a part of any of those plans, just like she was part of this one. And even though it's not a fight they need to have, for a second she's just fearful enough all over again that it's the first thing that comes to mind.

Instead, she leans down and kisses him, soft and deliberate, and tries to wipe the thoughts of the things they'd escaped away by focusing instead on his warm lips and breath. "So," she says, when she pulls back again.

"Very relieved it worked, then."

[nerves_of_ice]

"I am, too," he says, very quietly, watching her face.

[from_the_outside]

She turns her hand beneath his so she can lift it and press a kiss to his fingers, his knuckles, his palm. "More than relieved," she admits.

"Even though I don't know what else there is."

[nerves_of_ice]

"What else?" he echoes, a little confused. He brushes his fingers across her cheek.

[from_the_outside]

"What's past 'relieved'?" she asks, smiling a little.

"How did it go with Ayo? We got the final word, but no details."

[nerves_of_ice]

"Ah."

He dips his head to kiss her shoulder, then rolls out of bed and to his feet.

"Wait here a second, okay?"

Bucky goes across the room to find a glass, then fills it with water and carries it back to her before retrieving a second one for himself.

It buys him time to think.

[from_the_outside]

She watches him move around the room before propping her pillows up against the headboard and sitting up to take the water. "Thanks," she says, and waits until he's come back with his own.

"You don't have to talk about it," she tells him, gently. "If you don't want to. But if you do want to, I'm here."

[nerves_of_ice]

He sits down beside her, stares into the glass, and says nothing.


"I don't know," he says, finally, after several seconds of watching the water ripple slightly.

Doesn't know if he wants to. Doesn't know if he can. How to describe how it felt to climb that mountain in the dark behind Ayo, the other Dora having stayed at the bottom of the path? To sit, waiting in an agony of fear and suppressed hope, watching the fire spark?

To hear the first word uttered in that soft, implacable voice?